Dear Jonghyun,

I never thought it’d be so difficult. When I imagined everything I could say in this letter, my thoughts seemed to form perfect sentences, but every time I’d read them again, it would sound too dry, as if I wasn’t sad. I’d sound robotic and I hated the thought.

I started this letter over a hundred different ways, each try more disappointing than the previous. I kept searching my words, cynical for an aspiring writer.

The truth is, there are so many things I wish I could say. There are so many things I want to thank you for, so many things I want to apologize for and I don’t know where to start.

I want to thank you for being an inspiration, for giving me strength, for making me smile on those days I thought nothing could. Thank you for speaking up about mental illnesses, for defending the LGBT community, for making us smile even though you weren’t. Thank you for caring, for singing, for existing. Thank you for being you.

I used to think it was silly to cry over the death of a celebrity, now I understand. I don’t think I’ll be able to forget this one day. Even when my hair turns grey and I can’t walk or see properly anymore, I’ll remember all of this.

Now I want to apologize. Apologize for not being able to help, not being able to save you from the darkness that was surrounding you, for not being able to be a shoulder for you to cry on. Apologize for all the people who didn’t listen to you, the help you didn’t receive. Apologize for all the things that could’ve been done to save you but didn’t happen.

I wish we could’ve learnt more about you, the real you.

I hope you’re at peace now because you did well. Oh, you did so so well, Jonghyun.