It has been 4 months and 20 days, I wonder how you are feeling. Kim Jonghyun, how are you going? Up there in heaven, are you still lonely? You gave me a Christmas present that I would never forget and I don’t know if I should thank you for that. Australian Christmases are always so boiling hot, but why did I felt so cold last December? That’s right… because you’re gone.

December 18th, 2017, a week before Christmas, a week before the holiday that everyone was looking forward to. It was supposed to be a “Merry Christmas” as it should always be, but the news of your death flooded my Facebook feeds, sending chills down my spine and tears down my cheeks. “Singer Kim Jonghyun passed away from carbon monoxide poisoning,” the headlines screamed, but I didn’t believed the nonsense. I remembered laughing at the news because it was such a ridiculous claim. The smile didn’t last long though as more and more news of your passing plagued my phone. I recalled throwing my phone away and questioning, “What was going on?” I couldn’t believe it. I chose not to believe what the mass media was saying.

“What? Why? How?” Those three words repeated over and over in my head like a broken record. My lips chanted the words like a prayer, hoping that this was all a massive joke, but it wasn’t. You really have died, died in the most tragic way. Why did you decide to end your own life? I thought you wanted to pursue your dreams as an artist, as a singer. Why didn’t you hold fast onto those innocent dreams? For if it dies, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. Was that the reason why you plummeted from great height?

Maybe it was the fame that came with being a K-pop star that drove you to the edge of no return. You stated in your final letter that you felt so utterly alone despite being surrounded by millions of fans. What if we could be able to understand how you felt? What if we could share the pain that depression brought? What if we heard your cry for help? Would you still be here?

I couldn’t understand your pain. You even personified your depression as a black dog tattooed on your torso and voiced your dark thoughts in your songs, still, no one realised it. I thought I would never be able to understand your thoughts, but that was until those same inner demons paid me a visit. They left in their wake a lifeless me and I was astonished at how easily an otherwise normal person can succumb to devastating thoughts. I let my tears flow because crying is the eyes’ way of communicating sadness when the mouth can’t speak. I realised nothing was permanent, old friends moved on and so did you. As you ascended the stairs to heaven, you took away a chunk of my childhood with you. I thought you’ll always be here, reminding me of the fonds memories of you. I was wrong, oh a fool I was.

It’s been 4 months 20 days, by letting my thoughts flow onto paper I realised you’ve never left because you’ll always be here in my heart. Your beautiful golden voice is forever engraved in my mind. Your bright and gentle smile is always there when I closed my eyes. Everything about you will be saved into my memories for eternity. A photograph can capture a moment that’s otherwise gone forever and your photographs will forever remind me that depression can affect anyone, at any time, a silent killer it is. I hoped that you’ve found your own relieve and I hope you know that your fight with depression open many people’s eyes and let them see pass those smiles to the broken heart inside. Your story helps us learn, although you’ve lost the fight, but know that you’ll forever be remembered as one of the greatest singer, whose songs provide an intimate insight into human nature. A masterpiece like that will transcend time and forever be priceless.