Hi jonghyun,
My message is late cause i couldn't say it before cause it's selfish plus i was afraid it would harm others or you.
First i know about you by chance but i read it & continued work & laughed like my mind didn't believe that
The moment i reached home & closed the door i was in the ground crying but quickly i slept & for 4 days it was hard to eat however i tried
But i said "goodbye, you did well jonghyun-ah" in your funeral day the sky was beautiful
I wasn't even that close to you but it hit me hard that i left everything in the KPOP world that i thought it's the reason for your struggles
I was angry at the fans the most, if your company & paparazzi was cruel i thought (We) the fans know that and choose to be blind. Cause( hey, when i saw your picture with black ribbon the first second it's suicide for sure before i read anything)
But i was stupid for that not any reason in the entertainment world or anything you have caused suicide
You know that, and I from all people know that better WHY?
Let me introduce myself i'm depressed psycho who tried suicide more than ten years
When i was young, i used to think that because i don't have that (love, friends, success, beauty, money, family) i didn't want life
But after i saw you i realized not any thing i don't have or anything you have is the reason
It doesn't worth, Not anything or anyone worth somebody's life
I didn't let myself cry cause i didn't want to get weak or depress more cause i know what i'm gonna think about .....
I went to parties & laughed & drank but i found myself suddenly broke in tears
It's hard for me cause i know exactly your feeling when you try to end your life better (kill yourself). Even this month i tried suicide twice ( guys, i'm trying that before jonghyun suicide a lot of times not because of him) every time i think, it's cruel for someone like you to have this feeling. Last time in 01/18 i tried inhaling burning coal for an hour till my eyes and chest got burning & felt dizzy, all place was hot and i was thinking did that what you feel jonghyun ? It's hard i knew (i just stopped cause i was home and it started to fly around & burn things around me, i didn't want to harm anyone by firing the place)
But i forget to transfer the coal to liquid but i will this time ( even that doesn't work, i'll try till it work)
I know that you guys who might read that would say ( who is this drama who look for attention? Or You're that selfish to write about yourself while we're trying to help each other Or Are you really sending that to jonghyun? )
Yes, i think that ONLY you jonghyun NOW understand me
Like i understand you that NOT anything you had or you didn't had was the reason
No One jump to suicide just because it doesn't work
We try everything we can or can't, We Should or shouldn't, Right & Wrong..... Till we had enough and all our strength gone, hold on in every hand, all our tears drenched us, asked for any help, breath till even breathing is hard & ripping our chest, our feeling become numb.
We didn't go there except that the only way to be free, happy & peace.
The only choice we have in life to end it cause we had already taken all other choices.
I pray No one go this way ever.
Now if i went there at least i'd find you jonghyun like i dreamt that your name became now EUNHYUN 은현 which mean the shining hyun
Thank you jonghyun, you were brave No blame on you, you did well, hope to see you soon, wait me there.