I don't know where to start. I'm a shawol, not from the beginning, but close enough.
I don't even like a lot of their songs if I have to be honest, but I never called myself anything but shawol thanks to the people behind the group.
I don't have the arrogance to think I know them, cause I don't, I'm just a fan, one of many. Jonghyun was my favorite, well Jonghyun is my favorite.

I always liked being alone, I'm what you would call a cold person, it's hard for me to make friends, and I mean a real friendship as I don't like to open up, because I'm "strange" and I never been understood, so I keep everything for myself, I know it isn't good for me, but still I consider myself mentally stable and happy.

But I feel the need to write this now, and open up, even if it's just through a comment.
Shinee had always been my comfort, even in my welcomed loneliness. They make me happy, they make me smile even in the bad days.
Now I feel lonely, not in a pleasant way, and I will feel that way even with people around.
I don't know what to think of myself for being affected so much. Even if I don't know them, the way they make me feel it's overwhelming always in a good way, until now, and I don't know what to do now, with all this pain. I've been crying ever since and it won't stop, it hurts so bad.

It hurts so bad, and I don't know what thought hurts the most, how much he had been suffering to think what he did was a solution, how much the people close to him are suffering right now, his family, and the ones I know the most, the other members; or the egoistic feeling of loss I'm feeling right now.
I've passed these ours refusing the idea, and still even writing this I just desire to go back in time, I don't know even why, I don't think I would be able to do anything, but that's still what I'm whishing for.
My heart cries as much as my eyes do, and in time like these I almost want to belive in something bigger than us, call it God or what you want, so to belive he is somewere better, the truth is I don't.
I do belive something good can born from this though, even if I can't see it yet.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm determined to do something good, something I wasn't going to do, in his honor, to give a new meaning of his death, at least for myself.

I just want to say the last thing, for all the people in the same situation as what was Jonghyun's that might be reading this comment, I'm truly deeply sorry for you, you need to get up and call someone, if not someone close someone that can help you, and you need to be completely sincere and direct about your thoughts. I don't know you, and I will not pretend I do, or pretend to know what kind of problem you might have and I will not minimize by saying everything can be solved because it's not true.
You will smile one day, a sincere smile, it will come; don't let yourself take that moment away from you.

I miss you.