I was on the way home, sitting on the train, when I learnt this shocking news through the SNS. I was hoping it was a fake news, but as my fingers tried to find the truth, I prayed "as long as he is not gone yet". I kept praying that I could find 1 source that would say he was just in a critical condition, but I found nothing. All of sudden, I felt the emptiness. I realized at that moment, "Ah, this is the feeling when you lost someone". It didn't hurt like a stomach pain, but it was just a sudden emptiness that I couldn't describe. It was as if there was a hole in my heart.

I immediately checked his SNS, to see whether there were any suspicious post. But what could I do? My Korean was not good enough to understand what he wrote. I then began to question the whys, he was successful, he had a bright personality, he was talented and he was not involved in any scandal. What does he lack of that it made him so tired of living?

I was suddenly reminded his radio programme, Blue Night with Jonghyun. I clearly remembered the reason he took a role as a Radio DJ was he wanted to give strength and help those who are struggling with their lives through music, because we all know He loves music so much. Years later, never once crossed in my mind that he would be the victim, the one who needed help.

Somehow I felt guilty, for not born as a friend of his - but this was ridiculous because we can't choose who we want to born as. But I felt more guilty for not being able to thank him and his music. I wish I could have let him know how inspiring his music is. I wish I had the chance to tell him, "You're a great person. You have helped me overcome my struggle". But I can't, because of language barrier and because I thought it wasn't really necessary to say those words. But now we all learnt, how meaningful to affirm someone for what they have done and given to us, be it our idols, parents, friends, colleagues.

Last year was a rough year for me, I graduated from university and I couldn't find a job for a year. But his songs really gave me consolation and courage, especially End of a Day. I had no one to talk about my situation, but his songs accompanied me during that period. It was as if someone was saying, "You are not alone, I can give my shoulder to lean on when you are tired" and it gave me courage to not giving up in finding a job. When I finally found a job, I was faced with difficult boss and again, the song that he wrote give me strength, Breathe. The lyric is still lingering in my mind until now, "It's okay to make mistake sometimes, everyone does too. If I tell you it's alright, they are only words". I realized how powerful words are, the word 'it's alright' is not merely words, it's a consolation to someone.

I was once a Shawol until 2010, but at a point I found kpop was boring so I stopped listening to kpop. Once I heard Jonghyun was doing a solo, I immediately listended to his songs, merely because I like his voice. The more I listened to them, the more I was drawn to it. Until recently, I listened to his songs because it is his songs, which full emotion and inspiration. And from that time, I started to cheer on him and became his fan again.

After learning about his will, I realized how judgemental I am. We all never knew what had happened to him, yet we keep asking him why. If he told us, will we understand enough? He wrote the reason there, the battle between him, his expectation and himself. Even now, I still wanted to ask why did he have that kind of thought, but I have no right to. Because the one who feel the pain is him and I would never know how painful it is. And that is when I stopped seeking for answers and trying to accept this. It's not easy and I never know I would be this affected, strange enough because we don't even know each other.

I wrote this while I listened to his other songs, like Elevator and Let Me Out. If only I listened to them earlier, I might have realized earlier of his pain and depression. They were depressing song but I believe these songs will give much strength in the future as I was reminded of him again.

Once again, thank you for existing and for being a musician. Thank you for bravely enduring the pain by yourself. Of course, I wish you could share it with someone and that someone can console you too. But as you are in a better place now, may you rest well and happily. Thank you for the music that has accompanied me throughout my youth and the songs that give me much consolation when I was lonely. We will never forget you. I wish you could hear me, because all I want to say is "You did well, Jonghyun. You have worked really hard. I am proud of you. 수고했어요, 정말 고생했어요. 그댄 나의 자랑이죠".

Goodbye.