(W) The War In My Head

Hey angel jonghyun.. :) I hope you safe and in peace.. You know I'm bawling in tears since the news spread out... At that time, I was lying on my bed, scrolling on my IG, and I saw the Taeyang and Hyorin wedding announcement. I was so happy for both of them.. Not more 1 minutes of my happiness, I was shocked when I saw the article about you. I was so shocked until I raised from my bed. Trust me. I did not believe the news at all ! How can someone like you hurt yourself? But as hours passed by, and your agency confirmed it.. At that night, I couldn't even sleep.. I just too shocked and speechless.. But in the morning, I scrolled my IG again, your pictures and videos flooded my timeline... At that time, I cannot hide my tears anymore.. So it is true that you left us.. Why? You were such an amazing person, a singer with angel's voice.. Why? Then I know, you must so in pain until your decided to make that decision... You know what dear, what hurting me the most the the reason why you left us because I knw how it felt suffering depression... I am struggling with depression, eating disorder.. The demon voice is so loud, telling you are not enough... I still remembered I was slept with b tears because I kept hearing "I hate myself. I hate myself.. You such a failure." That voices were kept ringing in my head, even now.. I'm still in the battle, dear.... Oh, did I ever have same thought like you? Of course I am... The only way to make that voices stop is shutting your life... But you know why I can not ever take the decision.. I knew my parents will be sad. My siblings will be sad.. And that why it is okay I'm suffering if my presence makes my family happy... My tears keep falling down while I typing this.. Ahaha..I have been crying for you since the morning... I just too hurt .. The war in my head .. Oh its killing me.. You know what dear, I'm so devastated and hurt until I hear the voices again.. Telling me that I'm alone.. Nobody loves me.. And like you had done, I trying to reach my friends but no one willing to see me.. Am I that worthless, dear? And I know what makes you did that, people are not willing to hear... They have their own life, we should never disturb them right dear? I am having thought to join you, dear... I am...

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Redofthedawn #1 Aug 7, 2023 07:53:21

I'm aware that it isn't December but I just thought of this post. December will never be easy for a lot of us. I'm more aware of my depression around that time. I just became an adult and the realization that a lot can change has finally hit me. I'm not sure how to feel. People within my family have died or are dying and it seems like the only thing I'm allowed to do is move on. I'm no longer given the luxury of grieving the way I had with Jonghyun. There are so many fond memories that I can go back to with Jjong but for them I only have memories. So much has happened these past few years and while I'm not completely okay I can say there's plenty of room where I've healed.

As year 6 approaches I want my fellow Shawols to know that healing is hardly a linear task. It's okay to not be ready but where you are there's always going to be SHINee.

And Dear Author thank you for keeping this space for all of us.

luv_kero ^{2441 streak} #2 Dec 18, 2022 09:15:11

Thank you for keeping this space for us for so many years <3 This milestone hit me a lot harder than expected, but seeing this brought so much comfort. Miss you to the moon and back, Jonghyun <3

Viola_Ella #3 Dec 18, 2022 03:56:50

Chapter 818: When I saw in newfeed I just realised today is the day. He is a sweet,kind and precious soul. I miss him.

Evelyn_64 #4 Dec 18, 2022 00:55:41

It’s been five years today and just a few days ago I turned 27, the age Jonghyun-ah was when we had to say goodbye to him. I have long since had to “become an adult” and learn what growing up means; yet every year I come back to this little space, and read some of the messages that people wrote for him, and think back to the letter I wrote at 22 and never shared with anyone. I think back to a memory of me looking at the full moon and talking to him for hours, telling him I missed him terribly. We still miss you, friend. I still remember you fondly. I still remember me at 17 dancing to Replay in my room. I’ll always cherish those memories of our Spring.

Author, I hope you have been doing well. Thank you so much for keeping this space running for so long, it brings comfort to some more than you’ll ever know.

OdetteSwan ^{927 streak} #5 Dec 18, 2022 00:11:36

I'm so glad you won the bid. I will start collecting karma points again.
Good work.

OdetteSwan ^{927 streak} #6 Dec 18, 2021 15:31:45

Chapter 818: I just really paid attention to SHINee this August. Yet, when Jonghyun passed away four years ago, I felt sad that another beautiful and caring person chose to leave this place. In fact, I didn't want to listen to any SHINee songs then.
Now, watching SHINee's MVs, I feel like I have accepted what happened and hope that he is really happy now.

Redofthedawn #7 Dec 18, 2021 15:23:33

Time keeps moving on and I wonder why I can't just go back and fix things to when it was so peaceful. So much has happened in the last four years and it feels as though there's only SHINee left to comfort me. Jonghyun for so long I've written my letters to you and I couldn't this year because I couldn't find the strength or will to when I was feeling down. I haven't cried this much since I was a baby. I promised last year that I would tread the new year with caution and that didn't work out so great. There's more I wanna say but I just wish you knew how much I love you. Thank you for being born and sharing your light with the world. Sincerely I love you. 𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒍𝒍 𝒂𝒍𝒘𝒂𝒚𝒔 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 ❤️

lovelyfeisty #8 Dec 18, 2021 05:29:15

It’s been 4 years now and so it’s hard to believe that you left us, but I still do remember you as SHINee’s Blingbling Angel and as the brightest star that shines in the sky.

I used to feel so lonely after knowing that you left us, that I was listening to Lonely everyday for about a year, but now I just remind myself that you’re still with us, as the bright shining star watching over us from the night sky. ❤️
I will always love you.

wonpokemon #9 Dec 17, 2021 22:21:02

i was InMemoryOfJonghyun!
just thought i'll let you know so you don't add this username again~ =]
anyways, good luck with the add and for all those who come here and are thinking of Jjong and of others and themselves.

aseulmonsta #10 Jul 21, 2021 15:41:11

❤️