To my sunshine Jonghyun,

I honestly don't know how to start this off. I wanted to write some type of message to you but didn't really have anywhere to say it. Uhhh, okay. I wasn't a Shawol, to be honest, I didn't know you very well either. I knew about SHINee and was more familiar with Minho and Taemin. But a Shawol friend of mine mentioned you this one while showing me Minho's hyena laugh and how you made him laugh. I realized then that you were a happy and caring type of person. After I heard news of your death I was utterly hurt. Even though I didn't know you well enough to be that hurt. But for some reason I was. And then I read your letter to us. I didn't know how to feel because the first time I felt that someone understood how I felt. I never thought I felt depressed, but I HATED myself. I hated the way I looked, the way I acted. I hated the fact that I couldn't do anything right. That I couldn't even fix the problems with myself. I felt like I was responsible for the problems in my family b/c I had some type of input in them.

A couple weeks passed and then there was your tribute at the Golden Disc awards. When Lee HI started singing Breathe, and you were talking to us, at that time I didn't know what you were saying because it was in Korean. The moment I started to read the English subs I started to cry. This had been the first time I cried like actually spilled more than a few tears in a very, very long time. You wrote Breathe so people who were having a time knew that it was okay to take a step back and breathe. That there was nothing wrong with letting go of yourself.

I asked myself after, why am I crying? I don't know you well enough to cry over your death, I've only known you. But I felt like I've known you my entire life. Last night I was watching videos of you and your smile blows me away. I wish someone would smile at me the way you would. Last night I came to the realization that I will never be able to see you smile in real life. And that broke me inside. No matter how hard I wish I will never see how your eyes light eye up when you smile. I'll never hear that loud contagious laugh that gets everyone else going. I wish I would've become a Shawol earlier. My biggest regret is that I couldn't tell you that you ARE worth it. After Shinin came I came I realized you were really gone you weren't coming back. But you'll always be with me, right? No matter what.

It's okay though, I can still see by all the cracks fellow Shawols, shows you've been, and lives you've done. Jonghyun, I hope you're finally happy and don't detest yourself. I hope you realize that there are so many people who wished they could have noticed and tried harder to help. I hope that you that you know that you did better than well you did fantastically. You helped a lot of people in many ways. You let us know that it was ok to be sad to want to let things go but do not linger on it. Jjong you helped me a lot and I want to thank you so much for it. I know now it was okay to let go because keeping things in is not okay because at some point everything will come out whether you like it or not. I'm doing okay now, I will still likely cry sometimes when I think about you but that's just grieving. I'll always remember you as bling bling jjong who made everyone smile.

Always be with you jjong.

"It's alright if you run out of breath. No one will blame you ... Though I can't understand your breath, It's alright I'll hold you."