To Jonghyun Hyung:
Hyung, I am finally here. I am sorry it took so long, certain events prevented me from coming sooner. I cannot believe it has been 29 days since you departed us Please forgive me... Please allow me to introduce and share my story fully. My name is Gordon Xiong. I am 23 years old and currently reside in Fayetteville Arkansas. This is beginning. My date of birth is August 9th, 1994. I was born 27-weeks early with a twin, but sadly, my twin did not survive. My medical diagnosis is as follows: prematurity, cerebral palsy, and low muscle tone. Because of my condition, I received multiple surgery operations (which resulted in my G-Tube). I guess you could say I’ve started with extreme difficulties. I am the oldest of six siblings (The second of seven children in reality) My nationality is Hmong. I would say that growing up in a Hmong family is extremely difficult. Throughout my life so far, I would say that I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family. There were plenty of arguments and fights between family members. Over the years, I would remember being jealous of my siblings because of the fact that they could walk and would fight with them. I found it hard to cope. Flash forward to the year 2008 and 2009.... I am now in junior high. The family situation is still the same. My dad is a difficult man to please. He would constantly ridicule me for my disability (telling me that I made it hard for the family. School was no different I was made fun of and was teased because I cried a lot and sometimes wet my pants. That is when it all began. Being unable to cope with my family situation and the teasing at school made me feel inconsolable. That is when I started cutting myself... I started cutting my upper arm with a small pocket blade I found. As I did so, tears streamed as I questioned my worth. I would hide the cuts by telling my family and peers that my younger brother had done it. At that time, he was very young and had a habit of scratching me very deeply. One day two of my cousins who attended my school found out. They were furious and I was afraid they were going to tell my parents. But suddenly they started crying with me. After some time, they told me they would not tell my parents, if I stopped immediately. My cousins told me they would be there for me through my sad times. I agreed. That same summer in 2008, my aunt officially introduced me to K-POP. ( I already knew about the Korean Culture when I was 10 because my mom had a habit of watching KDramas). The first band I was exposed to was Big Bang. My first song was Haru Haru. I later found SHINee through Boys over Flowers and Prosecutor Princess. I was in awe and fell in love with K-POP. I then took a short break from it after being ridiculed by my dad. I also decided to focus on school. I resumed in 2012, that was when my friend Lyda introduced me to EXO. K-POP began to be a major part of my life from that point on. The next few years were a struggle with college and dealing with my father's constant disapproval. Those dark feelings began to slowly resurface. But I held them at bay for my cousins. Hyung, on the day you departed us. I was more sensitive than usual. It was as if I knew something was going to go wrong and it did. I saw the headline that night and it felt as though the wind was taken out of my soul. I was sad, but I could not cry. Then on December 23rd, my siblings and I got into a heated fight. By then, I already saw your suicide note and my heart broke. It reminded me of my cousin. He committed suicide in 2011, over difficult feelings on a family divorce. He was 19. My regret was that my last memory with him was awful. I only remembered teasing him and scratching him really hard. After the fact, I was wishing that it was me who died, I who was so useless. He who had a bright future. Take me instead. My brother was teasing me and my sister exploded: "Shut up! You guys are making me P.O.! You guys start over the smallest things. Gordon you are so useless. You do not do a thing to help this family. Upon hearing this, I started crying from my combined grief of what my sister said and your death hyung. My dad came in and was furious. He demanded an answer, but I was too distraught. He left the house in a rage. However he came back and interrogated me. It got heated and he snapped at me. Saying that it was my fault that his life went downhill (along with other degrading comments). My personality was to blame. My heart broke remembering the letter you left behind. Through tears I thought: "We are the same... It should have been me instead." My dark feelings he surfaced and I sent a message to my friend Lyda. What she said took the darkness away. Below are the actual messages:
Me: "Noona... Those feelings have surfaced again for me... This morning my sister jumped in between a fight that I had between me and Kendrick... She told i was a lazy individual who couldn't do a thing for myself... I then started crying... My dad then came in and blamed me telling me I should've just been patient with my siblings, he blamed my personality, and me for hindering his life. No wonder I understood Jonghyun hyung so well... noona please tell me I did well."
Lyda: "Gordon, you didn't just do well. You did awesome. You are awesome. You've accomplished so many things that I have only dreamed of. And, I know that you will only continue to accomplish more awesome things.
Don't ever belittle yourself, okay? You're a great person. I love your passion to do things. I wish I had that much passion. You're awesome, Gordon. Don't ever think otherwise."
Now as time goes by: I watch your videos and memories with a bittersweet smile. Please watch over me, your brothers, your loved ones, and your son Yoogeun. I do not blame you. You worked hard. When we meet again, tell me I did well as well hyung. Saranghaeo!

Your Dongsaeng,
Gordon Xiong