I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I was one of your biggest fans, because I wasn't. I knew that you were a part of Shinee, and that was all I saw you as for a considerable amount of time. As time went on, I started seeing each of you more as individuals instead of five guys in a group. Each time I did, I would eventually become distracted by a new group or idol debuting. I continued listening to Shinee and watching videos of you all. Shinee's music has been some of the catchiest and most memorable songs I've heard in the loop world, and I've often found myself constantly going back to watch live performances, dance practices, and behind the scenes footage. Shinee was one of the first groups that made me like and get into kpop, the first song I'd ever heard was Ring Ding Dong and I was completely obsessed with it. As time went on, I often stumbled across things about you and something that I frequently saw mentioned was about you suffering from depression. I knew what depression was and the effects it had on people, but for some reason I wanted to ignore it and not believe that you actually suffered from it. I wanted to believe that you were completely happy and that someone such as yourself who was in a huge kpop group and wildly famous couldn't possibly be struggling with depression. So that's what I did, I let myself sit and believe that for years, it was just occasional sadness that everyone gets. A few years go by, and we're nearly done with 2017, I'm sitting at school having just finished a final, I pull out of my phone and start to see news about. Of course, I just assume that it's something about you or Shinee performing or having some type of come back. Then, I start to see the words 'rest in peace', thinking it was a joke I roll my eyes as people often joke about things like this involving idols. Out of curiosity, I decide to google the words 'shinee jonghyun dead' assuming that it would just be some hoax or joke started by people online. But it wasn't, thousands of articles pop up about it, and I see the official statement by SM. I don't want to believe it, it's just a hoax started online by people with nothing better to do. I'm in shock at first, after learning the circumstances, not wanting to believe that you had actually taken your own life. It starts to sink in later in the day, and I start to feel awful. Just the day before, I had made a joke about Shinee being 'dead', as in they were losing popularity and would soon not be relevant due to other SM boy groups. Of course I know that I didn't mean it in a bad way, or that I actually wanted them to die, it was just a dream coincidence that this happens the day before you end your life. What made it hurt more is the fact that only a few days before, I had been watching several Shinee videos on YouTube. The one the stands out the most is of you and the rest of Shinee performing 'Replay' 8 years after your debut. I notice you specifically looking very sad and emotional, but I choose to ignore it. 'This was last year and it was their debut song, of course he looks emotional'. That's what I choose to wave it off as, and now I question myself for doing so. Was my sudden interest in Shinee and seeing you like this a sign of something? As the news really begins to sink in, I go back and begin watching several videos of you, coming across one in particular which details you speaking about how sad and unhappy you are. There are cameras around, yet no one does anything but record you. I listen to solo songs you've released, closely paying attention to the lyrics. I go on to your Instagram and see several posts about being in pain and death, and that makes it even worse. You have all of these signs and directly spoke about a lot of things, but no one did anything to try and help you. You sat and suffered alone for years, trying to pull through and pretending to be happy. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that, and all on your own. I'm sorry that you tried to get help but people ignored you or only tried to invalidate your feelings. I'm sorry that you had to pretend to be happy for so long. I'm sorry that you constantly tried to help others, but couldn't help the most important person, yourself. I'm sorry you had to go do soon. I'm sorry that you felt you had no other choice but to end your own life. I'm sorry, but I'm glad that you get to be at peace now, you don't have to suffer anymore. You will definitely be remembered, not for the circumstances of your death, but for your artistry and genuine personality. Rest well Jonghyun, you definitely deserve to.