Chapter 50 

It was a well known fact that Seunghyun didn’t like showing skin unless necessary. He preferred to wear long sleeves to short, pants to shorts, and he almost always had socks covering his feet when he was without shoes. He didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, he liked to be covered, he liked to sweat. He didn’t understand why some fans were always asking him to show more skin than he already did. It took a lot for him to even roll his sleeves up on a hot day.

Seunghyun thought something was wrong with himself every time fans, interviewers, or friends asked him why he was always so conservative. Why couldn't he be like other idols?

Jiyong knew that nothing was wrong with the man. He had perfectly valid reasons to cover up at all times. Digging deeper into the wounds that the older man held onto, he was lacking in confidence when it came to his body. As confident and attractive as the man acted, Jiyong knew that the man often questioned if he was attractive enough to hold the status of visual in their group. It worried Jiyong when he would return home late after a day in the studio to find he man standing in front of the mirror, chest bare, staring idly at his already thin frame as if judging his own faults.

It worried Jiyong more that the man wouldn’t take to him about it. If the man was insecure about his body then he should trust Jiyong enough to talk about it. The members were all aware of the man's innermost turmoil but they often wondered if the man himself was. It made sense that he had the turmoil. He was a man full of talent but he was rejected solely because of his looks by not only the president, but by many people who have crossed his life. It was one of the reasons he tried so hard to let people laugh, he opted to be the comedian rather the prince. Looks weren’t everything but he wasn’t stupid enough to believe they weren't important.

“Hyunnie, are you okay?”

It was one of those late nights again, they were happening more often. Seunghyun turned to face Jiyong before quickly putting his discarded shirt back on. Jiyong sighed as he moved to stand behind the taller man and wrap his arms around his waist. He wished that Seunghyun was comfortable in showing skin around him but he would have to wait until the older man was ready.

“I’m fine, how was work?”

Seunghyun wasn’t really asking about how work was, work for Jiyong was the same everyday. All the man was looking for was a change of topic. It was a system they had fallen into for two and a half years of being together, a system that worked well between the two.

Jiyong was ready to break that system. “Why do you do that?”

He felt Seunghyun stiffen in his arms and he attempted to kiss the stiffness away by placing light butterfly kisses on the man’s covered shoulders. It worked, but not as well as he would have liked.

“Do what?”

Seunghyun's voice was strained and he cursed his inability to lie to the younger man. He grew up lying on a regular basis, why couldn’t he lie now? Jiyong would see right through him.

He waited anxiously for the answer he so dreaded to hear. He didn’t want to wear the answer. He wasn’t ready to confront the feelings that he knew Jiyong had caught onto.

“Stare at your reflection when no one is home? Or put your shirt on when you catch me watching?”

Seunghyun gulped. He looked up at the ceiling and blinked his watering eyes. He couldn’t cry about his problems. He hated being a nuisance to others, he didn’t want to be a nuisance to Jiyong. It was his fault that he hated his body but it wasn’t his fault that every time he saw his skin he saw the fat that was once there, or heard the voices of the taunts that either kept him up a night which in turn fueled many of the times he snuck out in order to rap in some underground tournament. Unless that was his fault. His body was his fault, the taunts were his body’s fault. Everything was his fault.

“It’s not your fault.”

Seunghyuns breath caught in his throat as he chocked back his tears. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, he hadn’t meant to be open with his feelings. He put his thoughts, troubles, and pain on paper and produced music with it. If no music went with it, there was no point to it.

“It’s not your fault that people are pieces of . Life is cruel, people are crueler. You didn’t deserve that. No matter how you look.”

He allowed Jiyong to work his hands under his shirt and caress his abs. It wasn’t the first time he let Jiyong contact his skin but this time felt more intimate with the gentleness of the caress and the intimacy of the atmosphere.

He allowed Jiyong to slowly lift his shirt over his head, only to stop to insure it was okay to remove it completely, Seunghyun didn’t stop him. He never planned on it. It was the first time Jiyong was given access while the light were still on.

He allowed Jiyong to turn him in his arms and closed his eyes as the shorter man cupped his face in his hands and placed light kisses on his lips. His shoulders shook as he held back the cries that he knew were going to fall in waves.

“You’re beautiful.”

The dam broke. He wanted to scream no, he wasn’t beautiful, there was nothing about him that made him beautiful but Jiyong wouldn’t let him. The smaller man simply led him to the bed and held him in his arms all night as he whispered sweet nothings and placed lingering kissed on the trembling man.

From that point on, Jiyong swore to remind Seunghyun how beautiful he was until he started to believe it, and after that.

Yep. Half way there. 51 is half way done.