Chapter 82

Just like that, parang nagbago nalang ang ikot ng mundo. My grey had turned into something vibrant and bright. My life had gone complete 180 all because Jennie came back to the picture. I took it as a sign. My chance to make things right. My chance to love her right. And to let myself free fall into the unknown.

Technically though, hindi naman talaga falling into the unknown because it’s Jennie and I’ve always known the fact that I love her. But it’s more like embracing the idea of not really knowing what comes after loving someone so openly. Kasi, I never had that chance with her before due to the circumstance we were in back then.

Now, without restrictions, without really worrying who’s looking or who’s eyes are watching, I can love her the way I want to. I can show her that it’s always been her and I hope and pray, that it isn’t too late for us yet. Kasi, marami naman na talagang nagbago sa loob ng apat na taon. Pwedeng hindi na siya ang Jennie na nakilala ko noon. Kasi I know to myself that I’m not the same Lisa as I was four years ago.

Kahit naman alam kong mahal ko siya, it’s still possible that she’s not the same person that I fell in love with many years ago. I guess, right now para kaming bumalik sa getting to know stage, which we never had before, kasi we thought we already knew each other. We were bestfriends for crying out loud. We’re supposed to know each other inside out.

Pero what we didn’t realize is how we didn’t know each others versions when it comes to relationships. Kasi nga, we’ve always been bestfriends. Hindi naman girlfriends. So may difference pala talaga. Bestfriends don’t hide from each other but when we got in to a relationship, that’s where secrets and living up to each others expectations occurred.

Ibang iba pala talaga and I didn’t realize those things until after everything got so ugly between us. Siguro nga tama din ang sinasabi ng ibang tao. You don’t really notice the things that you don’t want to see until after it comes and hits you like a truck. Oh well. At this point, we’ve gone past the heartbreak and misery. Ayokong ikulong ang sarili ko sa nakaraan at natapos na.

All I need to do is keep moving forward. With Jennie. It has to be with her. It’s all or nothing. It’s now or it’s never. I don’t think kailangan ko pang mag intay eh. Kasi wala naman talagang nakaka alam kung ano ang tamang oras. You just gotta bet against all odds and hope you get the right set of cards in hand.  Andito ka na, aatras ka pa ba? It’s Jennie after all and I’m betting all the odds kahit pa matalo ako in the end. Maipakita at maparamdam ko man lang sakanya ang mga bagay na hindi ko nagawa dati.

Kasi noon, I didn’t have much to show. I didn’t have much to be proud of. I’ve always been so insecure sa sarili ko and the people she dated. Kaya siguro I blew up like crazy cause my past insecurities broke me and my relationship with other people. Iniisip ko palagi, paano ako? Ako. Ako. But what about Jennie?  It didn’t occur to me that she was having a hard time as much as I do and maybe twice as much at ako tong gagong pa-victim sa situation.

I’m actually lucky, kasi after all this time, Jennie never treated me like kahit anong sakit pa ang dinanas niya sakin. Tangina, kung tutuusin, wala naman na akong mukhang i-haharap sakanya sa lahat ng nagawa ko. Biruin mo, harap harapan lahat ng ginawa ko all because gusto kong makalimot at sumaya.

Of all people, it had to be Joohyun. Our friend, Seulgi’s ex girlfriend at parang kapatid nadin ni Jennie. Napaka ed up for me to even think of pursuing her dati and I did kahit pa maraming nagalit. Kahit pa nasira ang friendship naming ni Seulgi, kahit nakasira ako ng relasyon at kahit na nasaktan ko ng sobra si Jennie. Walang matinong taong magtatangka pang makipab balikan sa isang katulad ko. Ang selfish kasi talaga. Pinagsisihan ko naman. Hindi ko sinadya pero ginawa ko, I’m not gonna point fingers kung bakit ko ginawa para lang may masisi because it was all my decision.

Joohyun loved me. I believe she really did. At isa din siya sa mga taong ginago ko ng hindi sinasadya. At least I’d like to think so. Kasi I’ve been living in guilt for years. Nasaktan ko siya, that time, akala ko kasi tama ang ginagawa ko. Akala ko, yun ang dapat. In the end, isang malaking sampal nanaman ng reyalidad sa akin na mali pala ang lahat. Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung kailan ako matututo. Kasi everytime, sa tingin ko tama ang ginagawa ko, hindi naman pala. I’m just so very ing sorry sa mga nagawa ko. I didn’t reach out to Joohyun because it’s not really needed anymore. Anything that I’d say wouldn’t justify the fact na nasaktan ko parin siya at mali ang naging relasyon namin nung una palang. Something that we both realized when things got really bad for her all because kahit na magkasama kaming dalawa,