Chapter 24

Just like that, I lost the girl that I love right before my eyes and it's all my fault. , it's all my fault. I should have seen this coming. I probably did but didn't do anything about it. I kept hurting her and today, with all the things that happened today, it probably pushed her to the edge. I couldnt blame her. It was my fault but at the same time, I felt kahit anong gawin ko, nothing good came out of whatever I pulled. I was an idiot. I am an idiot.

I let someone like Lisa slip away. I let something good slip away. She's the only constant thing I have in life tapos nawala pa. Ang tanga ko. Our last encounter playedback in my head repeatedly. How I lost her, how she broke up with me and how she turned her back and walked away. I didn't want it to happen. I saw it coming but I didn't think na mangyayari talaga.

Akala ko kaya namin, kaya niya. But I put a lot in her plate. It's like I was hurting her intentionally for my own sake and she was letting me hurt her because she wanted to understand and protect my interest. Pero anong ginawa ko? I was so busy of trying to get Mino off my back para hindi ma out sa parents ko and at the same time, I was also turning a blind eye with the things happening around me.

I was hurting my girlfriend and thought lilipas din to and eventually someday magiging okay din ang lahat, not realizing that it was already all too much for her. Agreeing to be Mino's girlfriend was probably the last straw for her. Including the things that I hid behind her back and at the end of it all, I lost the girl. I lost my bestfriend and I lost the only person that mattered to me. I screwed up big time and I didn’t know where to go from here.

How do you move on from someone who did nothing but love you? How do you forget someone who’s been there the whole time? I got so used to her presence whenever I needed her, whenever I was hurt, she’d pick me up, she’d comfort me, she’d love me and I couldn’t even give her the same in return. Instead, I hung onto her and threw everything on her shoulders.

I broke her and what’s even more ed up is I knew I was doing that. I just didn’t know na bibitaw na siya. I thought I could make up for it. I thought I had time. I thought it was temporary and we’ll get through it. It’s never right to expect her to carry a burden for me. It was selfish. I’m so ing selfish at kasalanan ko lahat. I was desperate. After she walked away, I wasn’t thinking anymore. I followed her hugged her tight from behind. We were at her door sa dorm nila ni Jisoo. “Please Jennie. Let me go.” Malamig niyang sinabi.

I felt finality in her words pero umasa ako na baka magbago pa ang isip niya. Na baka kahit konti pwede pa. I wanted to save our relationship. Wala na akong iniisip I didn’t care if I have to face my parents tomorrow and tell them I’m gay I didn’t care if I lose it all but I couldn’t lose Lisa. “Lisa please don’t do this. Wag ka muna sumuko please. Diba sabi mo hindi mo ko iiwan?”

I sounded desperate. I didn’t care. “I know what I said, Jennie. But I can’t keep hurting. I can’t have you like this and I can’t love you like this. Hindi kita kayang mahalin ng ganito yung situation. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kelan ko kayang mag tiis. Pakiramdam ko, walang natitira sakin. I can’t go on like this and we both know if we stayed together, we’ll have a very toxic relationship. I don’t want to keep blaming you and myself everytime nahihirapan ako because you can’t out yourself just yet. I don’t want to end up resenting you.” Sabi mo and I couldn’t argue.

Lahat ng sinabi mo tama. It all made sense kahit my heart couldn’t except it. Ang sakit. “I don’t want to lose you Lisa. Please, don’t let me go.” One last time. Isip ko sa sarili ko. I had to try. “I have to.” Sabi mo and with that, inalis mo ang mga kamay ko sa pagkakayakap sayo. You cupped my cheeks and kissed my forehead while your tears fall from your eyes. I did all of this. “I wish you nothing but happiness Jen. Always. Kaya think about what I said. Do the right thing.” Sabi mo and I stopped begging.

“Okay.”