Chapter 26

Paano ba gumawa ng weng weng?

Ingredients:

2 jiggers of vodka

2 jiggers of empie light

2 jiggers of tequila

2 jiggers of whiskey

2 jiggers of gin

2 jiggers of grenadine syrup

1 cup of orange juice

½ cup of pineapple juice

½ cup of pomelo

Ice

At maraming iyak.

Sabi nila, it takes time to heal a broken heart, it takes time to recover from the pain you’ve been through lalo na kapag minahal mo ng sobra ang tao. In my case, I’ve given a lot more than I could take for myself. After Jennie and I broke up, my life had been dull. It lost it’s only remaining color and my plans weren’t as important as before.

Before everything happened, I was dead set sa future ko with Jennie. It was picture perfect and now that I realize, it was just too good to be true. For a college student like me, to plan something like that for the future seem reasonable lalo na kung may purpose ka. Meron kang will to pursue things, to work on something that you know will go and will be worth it. Pero paano nga naman kung all of a sudden biglang maglaho ang lahat?

What will I do after college? I thought of things that’ll distract me. It has been weeks since I’ve last seen my friends. I know there were there to help me pick up the pieces of my sad broken heart. But at the same time, I hate the feeling of people feeling sorry for me. Pinaka ayoko sa lahat yung kinakaawaan ako because nothing feels as bad as your friends hanging around you because of pity. Takot silang mag is aka, dahil baka you might do something stupid. I’m not. I was when I was in a relationship but now, I’m not. I’m hurting but I’m far from stupid. I broke up with Jennie. That’s that. Would I take it back? No. Do I miss her? Yes.

I was saving myself from pain. I couldn’t do it anymore. All these time, Nag pigil ako, nag tago, nagparaya, I kept quiet about my feelings until I eventually came clean when she came running to my door  confessing her feelings for me like one of those cliché movies you see today. I was a fool. I became one of those people who hoped and prayed for a miracle.

I prayed for her to look at me lovingly, to kiss me like there’s no tomorrow and to hold me like we’ll never see each other again. As a matter of fact, nangyari naman lahat yon. I was in cloud 9 putang ina. Kung alam mo lang kung gano kasarap sa feeling to wake up next to someone you love whom you thought you can never have even sa dream.

I felt lucky. She made me happy, she made me feel so many things and then in return, she tortured me slowly until I couldn’t take the pain anymore. The pain was unbearable and my bestfriend since the 5th grade broke me. Hindi ko alam kung anong ginawa ko to deserve something like that. To be kept in the closet, to be kept as a secret and then she gets to have suitor that actually became her boyfriend just because she was blackmailed.

Just because she was so afraid of being outed. I could have protected her if she let me. God knows that. If I disown man siya ng parents niya, she has her friends, she had me and most especially, my parents would have accepted her regardless of the circumstances. She will never be alone but she acted like she was alone all these time.

She took matters into her own hands and being the Jennie that she is, thought maaayos niya ang lahat without needing anyones help. Such a prideful person that she is. Eventually, I had enough of it. I didn’t feel I was enough. She didn’t let me in. That was that and it’s time to take the hard way. So, I broke up with her.

Weather she realizes to fight for her happiness or not, it’s completely up to her. I can only hope na sana marealize niya that her happiness is worth fighting for. I was willing to fight for her. All in, all or nothing, winner takes it all type of thing. Betting against all odds, lahat na. Whatever you can think of, I was willing to do it for her. With her. But I also had limits and I reached that limit. It hurt. It still does. I don’t know when I’m going to get over this, over her. Or if I’m ever to get over her. All I know is I need time for myself too.