Chapter 31

I saw Lisa for the first time today sa parking. She actually got thinner. Her eyes were darker, her face visibly nervous, and at the same time, she still looked beautiful. My heart began to race, thoughts came gushing all over me. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to confer with her. Pero it might not be a good time. Kakabalik niya lang.

Ayawy ko siyang pilitin sa mga bagay na alam kong hindi ko pa naaayos. As much as I miss her, as much as I want her back, mauulit lang yung nangyari before. I couldn’t fight for our relationship dahil alam kong I don’t have the guns and equipment yet. It would be stupid to go to a battle with nothing but yourself. Hanggang ngayon naman I’m still trying to build the courage, para pag graduate ko, I can finally tell my parents na I fell in love with a woman. Still am.

I love Lisa, but I also can’t keep hurting her if I can’t give my 100% sakanya. I’ve caused too much damage sakanya,not only that, I feel like somehow, I’ve also lost my bestfriend. We were two inseperable people before all of these happened. Yung tipong tatandang magiging magkapit bahay, we’ll become god mothers to each others daughters and so on. Pero all of that changed when I realized I didn’t only want that with you. Instead, I want to wake up next to you every morning.

We talked about our future together nung maging tayo. You have everything planned sa buhay mo and I felt so happy kasi kasama ako sa mga plano mo. I wanted the same. I still do. Pero how can I do that kung simpleng pa gamin sa parents ko hindi ko pa magawa. Siguro it wouldn’t be such a big problem if hindi umepal si Mino sa buhay nating dalawa. We could have been fine. I didn’t live with my parents so okay lang na maging tayo kahit hindi nila alam. Pero Mino happened. He came back and that was the truest test we both had. For the most part, it was my test.

I hurt you in so many occasions ever since. I’ve lied about things na akala ko, hindi mo na kailangan malaman. I’ve decided on certain situations na sa tingin ko wala akong choice but I was so wrong. I wish I asked for help. I wish I talked to you. Maybe things would have been different. If anything, baka it would make us stronger pa. But my decisions made you leave. My decisions broke you and I couldn’t take those tears back anymore. Kahit nga siguro before nung friends palang tayo, I don’t think I was fair to you at all. I don’t think I’ve ever been fair to you to be honest. It was always me who needed something from you and all you did was be there for me. You loved me as your best friend, you loved me as your girlfriend, you loved me for me. Loved.But I hope, somehow, you still do. As selfish as that sounds, I still hope after all of these, when our heads are both in the right place na, sana, the heart still feel the same. I don’t think I can ever stop loving you. I may have hurt you, I may have been the tiest friend and girlfriend, but that doesn’t mean I love you any less.

I could have dealt with things better. It was my fault, I admit. Pero things already happened and I can’t change any of that anymore. For now, I’ll give you the space that you need if yun ang gusto mo. I don’t have to like it, It’s my fault kung bakit tayo nagka ganito after all. Pero I hope I can still be a friend to you at least. I know I can’t have you back now. I still have a lot of self-overhauling to do. I want to be the person that you deserve and right now, I’m not.

I’ve learned na people will not always be there for you. Hindi pwedeng palagi ka nalang umaasa sa iba to put you out of your misery. They also have limits. I became selfish, and you were selfless. It left us both hurt.

“Give her time.” Bulong sakin ni Joohyun and I nodded. Seeing you was a lot harder than I expected. I suddenly forgot how to talk. Parang pakiramdam ko, hindi ako marunong magsalita and I couldn’t open my mouth. Feeling ko kasi, if I did, all the emotions would pour out again and I’d end up begging you to come back to me.

The selfishness would jump out of me all over again. Pag dating sayo, I get so weak. Siguro dahil nasanay ako na nandiyan ka to catch me whenever I was feeling down and now, I’ve got to be a big girl and own up to the I pulled. Sa ginawa ko sayo. I hurt you and I have no excuse other than I was stupid and allowed myself to get dragged further with Mino’s own personal agenda.

Speaking of which, I’m glad he’s not b