P.S  POV ni Lisa to.

Chapter 76

Matagal-tagal nadin pala mula nung huli akong magka girlfriend. After kasi ni Joohyun, hindi nadin nasundan pa ng iba ang lovelife ko. Although, I did go on dates, usually, hindi na talaga nagkakaroon ng kasunod.

I’ve poured most of my time dedicating myself into work. Lumipat nadin pala ako ng place. After naming maghiwalay ni Joohyun. I just couldn’t stay there. Wala naman na din akong narinig na balita tungkol sakanya after naming maghiwalay and that’s probably my fault. I’ve actually not heard much from my friends kasi, I’ve distanced myself sakanilang lahat.

It’s like avoiding the topic at all cost kasi ayoko ng paulit ulit pang pinapag usapan ang mga bagay na natapos na. Because it’s always a painful reminder of how I failed as a friend, a girlfriend and as a person in general. I did so many mistakes to a point where I didn’t know where to begin. Where to start fixing what was wrong and I have been in the dark for a while.

Eventually, I’ve come into terms that I can never change what happened in the past. Nangyari na eh. It’s something that I’ve got to learn to let go or it will eat me up and break me over and over. I didn’t want to be like that forever so I did what I thought was best. I picked myself up and focused on myself.

Hindi ko naman masasabing mas naiintindihan ko na ang sarili ko ngayon because I don’t think I’ve fully understood myself to be honest. Kasi naman hanggang ngayon, Isang tao parin talaga ang hindi mawala sa isip ko. Kahit ata ilang beses ko siyang subukang kalimutan, she managed to imprint herself permanently dito sa puso ko. As crazy as it sounds, kahit hindi kami nag uusap, walang communication, walang anything, nothing ever changed.

Pakiramdam ko, kung makikita ko siya ulit, it would still be the samething. Could be more. Why didn’t I go after her though when Joohyun told me to? The reason was simple. I didn’t want to be broken while loving her. Because it will never be at a hundred percent. If hinabol ko siya at that time, I don’t think I will ever be okay because I didn’t know how to love myself. Baka wala lang ulit matira sakin at ang ending, she’ll resent me. And I probably would resent myself to for not being enough.

Time. Yun lang naman kasi ata talaga ang solusyon. You can’t always have everything in a blink of an eye. Hindi porket gusto mo, dapat mo ng kunin agad. Parang prutas lang, hindi naman porket may bunga na, pwede mo ng kainin agad. Kasi, baka hilaw pa. Ang ending, hindi mo makakain. Pwede rin, itapon mo nalang din dahil it’s far from edible. Same application lang din sa situation ko.

Though, kailan mo rin ba malalaman kung ready ka na ulit? Kailan mo ba talaga malalaman kung handa ka na talaga? Is it the gut feel? I don’t know. I guess, I’ll just have to find out. Siguro kung  sakaling magkikita kami ulit, alam ko na ang magiging sagot. I’ve been missing her everyday and I tried my best not to reach out to her. Where do I even begin diba? Kahit naman friends kami sa facebook, how’d I know if gusto niya kong makausap din when she did the same. She didn’t talk to me either so I guess, it’s understood na both needed time away from each other, hoping it’s for the best.

I just want to be able to see her again in flesh. I don’t know kung mangyayari pa yun, or baka eventually, she’ll meet someone a lot better than I am because I was never perfect. If anything, napaka ty ko pa nga. It’s amazing how she managed to fall in love with me in spite my crazy flaws.

But I guess, like her, I also fell hard.  And I’ve realized na natakot ako to face the fact that this feeling will never go away. Natakot akong maging miserable nab aka in the end, mas masasaktan ako lalo If I kept being with her kaya