Chapter 39

Hindi ko na alam kung ano pang ginagawa ko. Kung tama ba to, o kung mali. Kung anong dapat kong sundin at kung anong dapat kong gawin. I felt my system shutdown from everything. Today had been too much for me and for everyone.

Words had been said, hearts have been broken and the truth has surfaced from the bottom of the ocean. As much as I’d like to keep everything hidden, I can’t. Yung nangyari sa parking a few weeks ago, Nakita pala ni Seul. It was too good to be true for me to believe na paniniwalaan niya yung excuse Lisa that day. Who was I fooling?

Observant type si Seulgi. She did know something was up but she didn’t exactly knew everything. She barely scratched the surface. Like how she didn’t know our relationship had been falling apart for a while now. She refused to talk about anything that involved what happens in the future. Everything was uncertain and I can’t live in uncertainty. It’s been eating me up kasi I was too afraid of her reaction if I were to bring it up. Afraid na baka mag away lang kami, afraid na baka it will be a little too much for her. Afraid that she might feel smothered and afraid na baka one day, she’ll turn her back on me and decide it’s just not worth it and she wants to be free.

Well guess what? At the end of the day, I’m the one who gave up. I’m the one who stopped trying and I’m the one who hurt her. Ako ang tumalikod, ako ang nang iwan at ako ang sumuko. I guess, I’m not who they thought I was afterall. I had my own frustrations, own issues and own ups.

Siguro in the midst of trying to help other people with their problems, I was crumbling inside. Not able to fix her own self. Madaling tumulong ng ibang tao, pero mahirap tulungan ang sarili. We become hypocrites when it comes to ourselves. We know what’s best for others pero pag dating sa sarili natin, those things don’t seem to apply. We know what’s wrong and we know what’s right. We know what we’re supposed to do and we know the precautions but we end up being stubborn anyway until magkamali na tayo.

After that, we’d feel bad and then we’d think of the should have, would have and the could haves. We’d mope around for days, weeks, months, feeling sorry for ourselves and then after that what? Do we really learn?

Sabi nga nila, it’s the heart that’s the most difficult part of the organ na mahirap turuan. Kahit anong gawin mo, it’s going to do whatever it feels. Weather it’s wrong or right. Kaya nga meron tayong utak. Because the heart never learns. The brain helps the heart. The brain keeps it alive. Pero what happens when the brain decides to shut down because it can only handle so much? The heart does everything to feel without restrictions. without fear, without limits. Hence the word; love kills.

But does it beat again after love kills the heart? Maybe. Maybe not, maybe it will never be the same again, maybe it wont be the way it used to, but it needs to feel, it needs to hold on to something, to someone, it needs another heart to heal what’s been broken, it needs to resurrect what died inside.

After leaving Seulgi, I felt numb. Like my heart had stopped, like my world had stopped. Never have I thought of breaking up with her. Pero it hurt how easy it was for her to tell me,  to tell her the truth already because she was going to leave me anyway.

It hurt how she didn’t want to hear the reason behind the mistake. It hurt to know that she was willing to let me go when I’ve been trying my best to keep her, kahit unti unting namamatay ang puso ko, I stayed. Kahit unti unti akong pinapatay ng konsensya ko dahil nagkamali ako, I clung onto her as much as I could. Pero she was willing to let me go after she hears what she wants to hear from me.

I hurt her. I have no excuse. She hurt me too and It was my breaking point. I chose to leave. I chose to end it because the brain wouldn’t help the heart anymore. The brain couldn’t process anything anymore and then, the heart decided to feel, so it poured everything it was feeling. The heart made sure everyone knew what it felt and after it did, it got exhausted and died.

I felt numb after everything. My ears were ringing, I couldn’t feel anything. I was beyond my limit. I didn’t have the energy to explain myself anymore. And then there was Lisa. Looking like she’s done with everything. She turns her back and was about to leave, but then, the heart that I thought had died, started to feel again. Although feint and barely there, it pulsated. It had to hold on to something that would keep it alive, and so it did what it wants to do.

I walked up to her and took her by the wrist. It didn’t matter kung saan kami magpunta. I knew, I had to be with her. The heart wants to be with her, the heart needs her rescue. And slowly, almost naturally, her hand  clasped into mine. It was warm, it was soft and it was everything I never thought I needed until she held my hand.

After that, she stopped walking. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. I was way too focussed sa paglalakad, makalayo lang sa school. “Joohyun.” She said my name as if it was the most delicate thing in the world. “This can’t be” Sabi niya. The heart didn’t care. I didn’t care. “Alam ko.” I said and none of us said a word.

Not long after, She pulled me close to her almost forcibly, but gentle and warm at the same time. She wrapped her arms around me, trapping me and my everything inside her  arms. She hugged me tenderly and I felt her heart beating fast. It’s as if, it was helping my own beat again. Like an infrared that connects the signal between our hearts. And so, mine started beating almost in sync with hers.

“Balikan mo si Seul, make things right with her.” She said and the heart was stubborn enough to listen. It didn’t want to die again. It barely survived. “Please, pagod na akong magsinungaling Lis.” I replied and she understood. At least I hope she understood.  She asked me kung san ko gustong pumunta. I really have no idea where. All I know is I have get away. I needed to be somewhere else and I know yun din ang gusto niya.

She broke away from the hug. But I knew the heart needs it’s contact, and so, It was me who held her hand and clasped it together