Chapter 44

The Art of Letting Go

Sabi nila, when it comes to love, you do the stupidest things. Sabi rin nila, when it comes to love, we don’t see things in others perspective. We only see ourselves with the person that owns our heart. We only see ourselves spending our time with that someone.

Parang nothing else matters, kasi nga we’re so busy falling in love with them. Pero sometimes, it’s the other way around. Minsan, we’re so busy worrying about what other people think. We’re so busy trying to mask the relationship away from other people to the point na hindi natin napapansin, nasasaktan na pala natin sila.  I feel like yun ang nangyari samin ni Lisa.

I was so busy worrying about my parents reaction. Sa mga sasabihin nila, yun naman pala at the end of the day, kaya ko naman pala silang harapin para sakanya. But it was all a day late. I should have followed her that day, baka things would’ve been different.

Pero hindi eh. Everything I did was a day late. —

After coming out to my parents, Sumama ako kela Jisoo pabalik sa dorm nila ni Lisa. Nagbakasakali ako na baka nasa dorm nila siya pero wala siya don. I’ve decided na dun nalang sakanila matulog. Kasama ko naman si Jisoo.

All those time, she never left my mind. Kung asan siya, if magkasama parin ba sila, anong ginagawa nila, iniisip niya pa ba ko just like how I think about her? Mahal niya pa kaya ako? Uuwi naba siya? Kasama niya kaya pabalik dito si Joohyun? Makakausap ko kaya siya?  Makikinig kaya siya sakin? Babalikan pa kaya niya ko?

Parang pakiramdam ko, pagod na pagod na ang utak ko sa kakaisip. Ever since maghiwalay kami, I have been restless. I’ve been restless because of the fact that my bestfriend walked away from me. She walked away because I let her.

I can’t even bring myself to be mad at her sa mga nangyayari ngayon. How am I supposed to be mad when I did it first? How am I supposed to be mad if I allowed someone to be my boyfriend dahil natatakot akong ma-blackmail? Those were all for nothing. Sana pinaglaban ko nalang, It could have saved us from all of these.

Baka hanggang ngayon, si Joohyun parin at si Seulgi. Baka hanggang ngayon, Ako parin at si Lisa. They said karma’s a . It really is. And it’s been saying hello to me since I’ve realized how it’d be easy for Lisa to find someone new. Because I know, there are people out there better than me. For her.

It was already a losing battle for me and It only just began.

“Jen, wala pa si Lisa, gusto mo text ko nalang na nag iintay ka dito?” Tanong ni Jisoo. “Hindi, wag na Chu. Mag iintay nalang ako dito, wala naman akong ibang gagawin.” Sabi ko naman. She rolled her eyes at me and fished for her phone sa pocket niya. “Hay nako. Hinde. Mag usap na kayong dalawa ngayon. I’ll call her para umuwi na dito.” She said at lumabas ng dorm.

Wala narin naman akong nagawa, I basically just sat sa living area nila. Before, this was one of the happiest place I’ve been in. But now, I’m dreading it because I know mamaya, when Lisa comes home, it’ll be the moment of truth between her and I. Either I win the girl or not and that .

Ngayon, I’m like this pathetic girl who’s dying to be with the one that she loves. A girl who made a mistake and is trying to make everything right, hoping that it’s not too late. Akala ko yung pagharap at pag amin ko sa parents ko na ang pinakamahirap na part na pagdadaanan ko.

Pero hindi pala. It’s waiting for Lisa that’s the hardest part of it all. Hindi ko kasi alam kung tatanggapin niya pa ako ulit. At least my parents will be there kahit pa hindi naman kami okay ng daddy ko. Pero Lisa, I could really lose her forever. May possibility na nagbago na ang isip niya at ayaw niya na. I didn’t want to think of that possibility pero it’s something na baka talagang mangyari and I have to prepare myself for it.

I can’t be mad like Seulgi, I can’t feel betrayed like her. Lisa and I are not in a relationship pero I feel betrayed by Joohyun. She was my friend and alam niya lahat ng struggles ko. Kung paano ako nahirapan, she even helped me overcome those fears. She gave me advice, she helped me break things off with Mino, to the right path para maayos ko ang relationship naming ni Lisa pero in the midst of it all, both of them ended up liking each other.

How am I supposed to feel? Ano bang dapat kong maramdaman? Hindi ko na alam. All I know is, I need to talk to Lisa, I need to at least give it a try. I need her to hear me out and I need her to know na mahal ko siya. Nagkamali man ako, I never stopped loving her. Not once.

As I sat there waiting, naalala ko how she and I started. Before I felt the way I did with her. We were in fifth grade when I first met her. Transferee student ako, I had an arm braced because I was an eleven year old kid who still believed that I can be power ranger pink.

I had to be be tough kasi nga bagong school, I had no friends and I didn’t know anyone. I entered the room and scanned the new faces na naka-upo. And then she was there. Lisa. That was the first time I laid my eyes on her. That’s where we met and that’s where it all began.

I immediately had this feeling that we’re going to be friends and we did. She became my bestfriend and we did everything together since then. As time goes by, I’ve grown attached to her. Wayyy attached than I expected. She became the reason kung bakit I had fights with my exes back then.

How I’d drop everything I’m doing if Lisa calls, How I talk about her often, how annoyed I am when she ignores me and how I miss her kapag hindi kami magkasama. It was selfish to make her the third wheel everytime I go on dates. It was only because I wanted to be with her too. I should have known back then that it’s really her I want to be with. I should have been more sensitive.

Pero I’ve let her go through all that while she was secretly loving me. I let her pick me up everytime masasaktan ako because of someone else while she hurts for me. I let her make me whole again until I find another guy to date and then it’s back to square one. Rinse and repeat. Baka nga siguro Mino was only a small part sa break up naming ni Lisa.

It might be because I kept hurting her over an over until she couldn’t handle it anymore. Tang ina. I did all of these. Why should I feel sorry for myself? If anything, I should be sorry for causing her pain, not for me.

I remember everytime iiyak ako, she would go out of her way to do stupid things for me para lang mapatawa ako. I remember how she’d hold me close in her arms. I remember how she’d tell me I’m worth it, and I remember how she’d tell me na any guy would be lucky enough to have me, not realizing all these time, I’ve been looking at the wrong people when I should be looking at her.

I was pulled out of my own thoughts when the door opened. It was her. The woman I’ve been waiting for all these time.  She went inside with Jisoo and then she looked at me with her face full of uncertainty. “Kunin ko lang  bag ko, I’ll be out for a while. Mag usap kayo diyan.” Sabi naman ni Jisoo and not long after, umalis nadin siya.

Before it sinks in – Moira Dela Torre (Thanks to ohsaphy for the song inspiration hehe)

Suspended in the air

I hear myself breathing

Hanging by a thread

My heart is barely beating

Then it all comes down between Lisa and me. The only two people left inside this room. All of a sudden, I didn’t know where to begin. Last night, sa isip ko, until moments before she arrived, Alam ko na ang sasabihin ko sakanya. How I’d pour my heart out to her para lang bigyan niya ako, kami ng