Chapter 21

Naexperience niyo naba yung minsan pakiramdam mo nalang lahat ng tao sa paligid mo andaming expectation sayo? Dapat ganto ka, dapat ganyan, dapat sakin ka, dapat ako yung kasama mo, dapat makatapos ka muna, dapat sundin mo ang parents mo, dapat hindi ka nag tatago ng secrets sa girlfriend mo, dapat open kayo. Lahat na.

Ang daming dapat gawin, dapat sundin at dapat i-prioritize. Sa totoo lang, gusto kong patahimikin muna nila sana ko sa kakaisip kung anong mga dapat kong gawin. I wanted to be alone for myself para mag contemplate at mag focus sa kung anong “dapat” kong unahin. Pero sa isang banda, I’m also scared na I’ll lose people that are important to me in the process.

They say life is all about choices and whatever you do, reflects in that choice that you made. Kumbaga, in every choice nga naman, there’s always a consequence. Pero that’s the thing eh, kaya ang hirap din mag decide because kasi in every choice that you make, the consequences arent always good. You win some and you lose some.

Just like my relationship with Lisa. I knew before na pareho pa kaming hindi ready to come out sa families namin. We were on the same page about focusing sa studies namin until we graduate and then pag pareho na naming kaya, we’ll tell our parents about us. Pero when I found out she’s already thinking of coming out to her parents, I felt pressured.

I know she’ll have it easier compared sakin. Her parents are way more understanding if you compare them to Mom and Dad. I felt pressured kasi she felt na she’s ready to take the next step. I know sabi niya she’s not going to tell about us yet. Not until I’m ready but still, If she’s already thinking of coming out, I’m sure magkakaron din ng idea ang parents niya about me.

We’re always together.Went to the same school, same set of friends, same everything. Bestfriends nga, they say. So, for adults like them these days, they’d assume I’m gay too. They’re not wrong. Well, not entirely. I still havent figured that part out yet. If I’m a lesbian or kung Bi ba ko.

I still find guys attractive in a way but not like how I have my eyes on Lisa. Does that make sense? It’s just different when it comes to her.It’s always been different kahit dati pa. Maybe deep inside, alam ko ng iba yung nararamdaman ko sakanya. Maybe I’m Bi? I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I’m in love with my bestfriend and maybe, I always have been. Maybe yung nag trigger ng feelings na yun is the time when we first kissed.

I felt fire burning inside of me. I felt butterflies and my heart was beating at a ridiculous pace. It scared me. It scared me a lot when I felt it for the first time because it felt so dangerous, so wrong. Kaya naman I made a decision to date Hanbin then which not only made a mess, but may nasaktan din when I made that decision.

You see? Every decision has a consequence and I don’t want to keep hurting people around me just like what’s happening now. Mino being the persistent motherer who kept on courting me kahit alam naman niyang  I don’t feel anything for him anymore. But he has something against me that’s why I couldn’t stop him entirely. I tell him off as it is. I curse at him even but I couldn’t not take his gifts.

Kasi sabi niya, If I don’t take it or let him do those things, He’ll talk to my dad about me and Lisa. I felt jaded. I didn’t have any other choice. Wala akong magawa and this time, I kept it again from Lisa. I know we agreed na no more secrets pero kasi, I also know how impulsive she can be. Pag sinabi ko yun sakanya, she might take things in her own hands again and lalong magkaron ng gulo.

I know she means well, she always had my best interest. Kahit nung hindi pa kami. I knew I could count on her lagi. She always had my back. Sinakyan niya rin yung story ko nung fifth grade when I broke an arm  because I did a stunt para maging si power ranger pink. I told people I got into a fight kaya I broke it. I earned an untouchable reputation and she went along with it kahit alam niya yung true story behind it para hindi mabruise yung ego ko.

I remembered how she comforted me everytime a boy breaks my heart.  How she’d let me cry until I’ve got no tears left and then she’ll buy me icecream after. Sabi niya kasi nabasa