Chapter 27

5 Stages of Grief

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Pakiramdam ko I’ve been going through all these stages everyday, ever since our break up. Except for one. Acceptance.  I’d wake up feeling in denial over the things that happened and then when I realize the that I did, I began to feel angry towards myself for being a coward and for not knowing better. After that, I’d contemplate about life. Kung anong pwede kong gawin to distract myself, to keep myself occupied, to keep you away from my thoughts and then by the time I forget, before I sleep at night, depression creeps in like a mother er.

I’d remember how you’d tuck my hair behind my ear kapag magkatabi tayo in bed, I’d remember the way you look at me. The way you look into my eyes, the way you made me feel, your kisses, your touch, how I feel your breath linger on my skin, how we just lay in bed and talk about the little things, stupid things, us, you, me. I miss the way you love me.

I miss everything about us. Not just the things that we do when you became my girlfriend. It’s just everything you and I did together through the years. It flashed right before my eyes and then I remember reality. I lost you. Why? Kasi I became selfish.

I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I feel like para akong si Nemo. Lost in the sea, trying to find its way back home. What is home anyway? To me, it’s you. It’s always been you. You’ve always been my home. Even before everything got complicated. Even before I made complicated.

Siguro nga tama yung sabi nila, na kapag nawala na sayo yung tao, saka mo nalang marerealize ang mga nagawa mo. Saka mo nalang marerealize na napaka laking tanga mo. Bakit ganun ano? Why is it called human nature? Is it because of Adam and Eve? Is it because they ate the forbidden fruit? Since humanity started with them, The rest of us, would have to be born as natural sinners who keep doing stupid until we realize we’re wrong?

In that case, humanity . I wish I was born an otter. I’d just float in the water, sleep all day and not give a . Bakit ang hirap maging tao no? We do we all have to be complicated? It’s so easy to tell people what to do especially when it’s not us in a tough position. Pero when we’re actually the ones experiencing it, We do things we don’t advise. Parang tanga lang din. I guess we’re all stubborn in a way.

I still don’t know how how I’d fight for my happiness. Well, I kinda do. But sa tingin ko, its really not the time to come out to my parents. For the sake of pride, I wanted to have that diploma in my hand first as the start of my battle. Afterall, pinag aral ako ng magulang ko. The least I could give them eh yung maka graduate ako. I’m an only child. I want my happiness but I also don’t want to neglect my parents hard earned money para makapag aral ng maayos.

I grew up with in comfort. We didn’t struggle financially. My parents were good business people. Strict, ideal and depressing. Kasi in the midst of all that comfort, all that material things, I didn’t think I was ever happy at home. The only person that made me happy was Lisa, other than the friends we have met through the years; She stuck right by me like a super glue. We were inseparable. Were.

I called her so many times. She never answered any of it. Mabuti nadin siguro yun kasi most of it were drunk calls. Me crying my heart out because of my stupidity. I’d probably beg her to come back to me. I sent random texts kapag namimiss ko siya. Which is often. Desperado nga siguro akong makausap siya kahit through text lang. I tried going back sa dorm niya. Pero Jisoo said hindi siya nag s-stay doon. Ang sabi, she’s renting a place near GMA para hindi hassle everyday. Partly true, pero it’s probably because ayaw niya rin akong makita.

Akala ko before, masakit na yung niloko ka ng boyfriend mo. When you get cheated on. Pero may mas masakit pala dun. Mas masakit palang maging tanga and I basically cheated on her too when I agreed to be Mino’s girlfriend. I regret that happened. I regret so many things. I wish I could turn back time to make bet