Chapter 42

While driving on our way pauwi sa bahay, I couldn’t help but feel nervous. A part of me felt I wasn’t ready by all means pero a part of me also thought na, kelan ba talaga handing sumugal ang isang tao? Kapag wala na lahat?

Kapag wala na yung rason kung bakit kailangan mong mag intay?  Ano pang point at para saan pa? Naisip ko kung hindi ko to gagawin ngayon. I’ll miss my chance. Baka bukas, magbago pa ang isip ko. Kaya it felt as if it’s either now or never.

Today, I need to take my chances. Ma disown man ako o hindi, bahala na. I have to come clean and face my fears. For the first time today, I will truly be myself sa harap ng mga magulang ko. All for the sake of my happiness, All for the sake of fighting for love.

Sana noon pa. Sana noon ko pa naisip to but It’s pointless to look back and regret sa past mistakes. Maybe it all happened for a reason, but now, I only have one purpose, one goal. That is to be me.

It was one of those days na my parents are both home conveniently. They usually aren’t, pero they’re here in Manila for a few weeks before they need to go elsewhere again. I’d take my chance today.

“Jen, sure ka na ba talaga dito? Baka nabibigla ka lang sa ginagawa mo?” Tanong ni Jisoo. “I’m not, pero I have to. It’s now or I’ll never be able to do this Chu.” I said. “Ok, andito lang kami sa labas. Intayin ka namin ni Chae.” Sabi niya naman.

“Jen, we got your back. Don’t worry, whatever happens, we’ll be here. If for some reason, we need to get you out of there, we will. Okay?” Sabi naman ni Chaeng. “Thanks guys. Sobrang thank you. Okay, here goes nothing.” I said and lumabas narin ng car.

Before I went inside our house, huminga ako ng malalim. Mentally preparing myself for the worse possible outcome of this entire thing. Whatever happens, whatever comes, I’ll be me. For myself and for my happiness.

“Oh, Jennie, It’s a surprise seeing you dito sa bahay, don’t you have school today?” My mom asked. “Tapos na po. Si Dad?” Tanong ko naman. “Nasa study anak, nakatulog na ata doon.” My mom replied.

“I need to talk to both of you po sana. It’s something important, mas mabuti if we talk in the living room.” I said and my mom looked at me with curiosity. “May problem ka anak? Bakit?” Tanong naman niya. “Mom, please, sa living room nalang, tawagin mo si daddy please.” I said and made my way sa living room.

I held my hands together at umupo in one of the single couches sa living. I played with my fingers contemplating about things that I will say. These are the times where I wish I didn’t have to do it alone pero since wala si Lisa, I’m on my own. I know, I have my friends waiting outside for me pero this is not their fight.

I’m supposed to be with Lisa all these time. Yun yung naimagine ko in my head eh. Yung hahawakan niya yung kamay ko when I finally tell my parents about me. IN a perfect world where you expect everything to happen according to your plan, siguro, yun ang mangyayari pero it’s not. Things just don’t always go according to how you plan them to be.

May mga changes, differences and a series of misfortunate events katulad nalang nito. As my parents approach, unti-unting umiiksi ang oras na sa tingin nila kilala nila ako all these time. Unti-unting tumataas ang mga posibilidad na baka pagtapos ng lahat ng to, hindi na nila ko kikilalaning anak and worse, wala narin akong babalikan pagkatapos nito.

Its funny and not funny at the same time. I’m doing things na wala namang kasiguraduhan. Way out of the calculations and analysi I’ve made. This goes against everything I planned for myself. But I’m already running out of time. I’d like to think na may oras pa ko to save everything to save what I have with Lisa kahit napaka liit na posibilidad nalang ang meron, I’d take what I can get.

After all, sakin naman talaga nagsimula ang lahat ng to. If I did things differently, talagang iba ang magiging outcome. I wished I was stronger. I wish mas narealize ko ng maaga what’s at stake. I wish narealized the importance of telling the truth.