Chapter 73
UnrequitedChapter 73
These past two weeks have been hell to say at the very least. Dalawang linggo na ang nakalipas mula ng makipag hiwalay sakin si Joohyun. Dalawang linggo narin pala ang nakalipas mula nung bumalik ako exactly where I was before our closeness began.
But this time, alam ko, wala ng dadating para sumalo sakin. Wala ng dadating para umintindi sa akin at wala naring makakapag paintindi sa akin sa kung ano man tong mga pinag gagagawa ko sa buhay ko. Funny how I keep depending on other people para bunuin ang kung ano mang kulang ang hinahanap ko sa buhay ko. Well, hindi naman talaga nakakatuwa yon, pero nakakaloko kung iisipin mo.
Bakit nga ba kasi? Bakit ba pilit na kinukumplika ng isang tao ang isang bagay na kung tutuusin eh napaka simple lang naman.Katulad nalang ng sitwasyon namin ni Jennie. Bakit hindi ko maintindihan na nag desisyon siyang mag isa para sa sarili niya, bakit hindi ko maintindihan na it’s not really as bad as I thought it would be minus the Mino problem, kung naging malawak lang ang pag iisip ko, we could have fixed things. Baka nga kami pa ngayon, baka masaya pa kami, at baka hindi rin nasira ang friendship namin ni Joohyun.
But because I allowed my heart to think without the presence of the brain, nagkanda gago-gago na ang lahat. Ripple effect, domino effect, lahat na ng klaseng effect, parang nangyari na. Ewan ko din. Parang science experiment, chemistry to be specific. You mix two chemicals together not knowing kung ano naman talaga ang probability at reaction ng each substance kasi hindi ka naman talaga expert kaya eto ka, sumusugal with every element that you mix without safety.
Kapag sumabog, kapag kumapit sa balat mo, o kapag nagkaroon ng bad reaction, We’re left vulnerable kasi nga we’re a bunch of quacks trying to be experts, winging everything and hoping na we have the right formula everytime. That’s how it is for someone like me at least. Jennie was my first element. Nasaktan ako ng sobra kaya I didn’t want to use that element anymore no matter how pretty it looked in the eyes kaya when I found another element, like the quack that I am, nag experiment ulit ako. Ang ending, mas malala pala kasi, the elements I’ve tried are both connected to each other. Sama mo na din ako. Gets niyo? Ang gara ng logic ko no? Pero I’m just saying in comparison.Hindi naman talaga literal na nag experiment ako.
Siguro parang ganun na din ano? Kasi ang gago eh. May magsasabi,” Eh mahal mo pa pala si Jennie eh, bakit kasi hindi mo nalang balikan kesa nakakasakit ka ng ibang tao. Kesyo ganito, kesyo ganyan. Marami din kasing expert pag dating sa love pero ang nakakalimutan kasi natin, hindi naman din lahat ng tao, pare-pareho. You may be in the same exact situation or may have witnessed a similar situation pero, we’re still different. So ing different.
We believe and talk like we’re experts when it comes to other peoples lives kasi we’ve seen it but then when it comes to our own selves, walang nag aapply ni isa sa mga pinag sasasabi natin kasi we believe we can do it differently everytime. That we can conquer whatever odds there is kasi nga nakita na natin eh, sa tingin natin alam natin ang gagawin natin pero hindi naman pala. Tapos pag nagkamali ka, mapapa “ay” ka nalang. O di kaya naman parang yung famous line lang that is used by everyone. “Akala ko kasi…”
I love Jennie. That’s a fact. Alam ng mga kaibigan ko, alam pati ng ex girlfriend ko maliban nalang sa sarili ko. It was something that I’ve tried to forget. Yung feelings ko sakanya pilit kong kinalimutan because I wanted Joohyun and I to work so bad. Ayoko na kasing balikan ang dati kong sitwasyon where things were filled with uncertainty. Hindi ko alam kung san ko ilulugar ang sarili ko eh. Something that I’ve never felt with Joohyun because she always knew kung anong gusto niya.
Part of me envied her kasi the risks that she took seemed calculated. Alam niyang malaki ang possibilities na masasaktan siya but she took the risk anyway kasi gusto niya eh. Habang ako naman, in desperate need of change. In desperate need of acceptance and in desperate need of someone that would love me without precautions. Tanginang kaselfishan yan. Bobo, sobrang bobo. Wala eh, bugso ng damdamin ang pinairal ko. Hi my name is Lisa, nung araw na nagpaulan ng impulsiveness si lord, sinalo ko lahat. I thank you.
Akala ko kasi, kapag si Joohyun ang pinili ko, everything would slowly fall to it’s rightful place and everything would eventually make sense. Kaso hindi pala eh. Odiba? Akala... Marami nga siguro talagang namamatay sa maling akala. Katulad ko. Iniisip ko kung ilang bese pa kaya ako magkakamali bago mamatay ng tuluyan because I kept making t
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