Chapter 40

Hindi ako makapaniwala sa mga narinig ko, sa mga nangyari sa harap ko. Si Lisa at si Joohyun.  Never have I thought na magkakaroon ng something sakanilang dalawa. I never saw it coming, I never saw it happening. Pero ngayon, hindi ko magawang maniwala. I didn’t think any of it were true.

Baka nananaginip lang ako. A bad dream I’ll eventually wake up from. Sana panaginip lang. Sana hindi totoo. I stood there in between everything. In between Joohyun, Seulgi and Lisa. Parang hindi ko alam kung saan ko isasaksak ang sarili ko sa mga naririnig ko. Magagalit ba ko? Bakit? It’s not like Lisa and I are together.

Do I slap Joohyun? I want to. Nakinig ako sa mga advice niya. To take my time, and to confide to her and our friends kung kaylangan. I was trying hard. I was trying hard to be better for Lisa I was trying hard para kumuha ng enough na lakas ng loob, I was getting ready to be myself. I was working hard pero yun pala, while I was in the middle of trying, nagkakaron na pala sila ng something ni Lisa.

Since when? Kelan pa nag umpisa? I knew they’ve been hanging out a lot often nung mga panahong busy kami pare-pareho sa internship. Magkalapit lang yung work area nila kaya madalas sila magkita and Joohyun would update me kung kamusta na si Lisa. Kung anon g ginagawa niya and all that jazz. I should have known when Joohyun suddenly stopped updating me sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ni Lisa.

I should have know when she started talking less na may nangyayari ng ganon. I.should.have.known. I felt stupid. Sobrang sakit. But who do I blame?  In the first place, if I didn’t allow myself to fall for Mino’s trap, baka hanggang ngayon kami parin ni Lisa. Our relationship was never perfect. May problems here and there but I’ve always felt she was my home, my comfort, my only love.

Pero tangina, ako tong gaga eh. Sinaktan ko siya. I was too afraid sa sasabihin ng parents ko. I was too afraid to lose my parents trust. Afraid sa mga sasabihin nila sakin especially my dad. I was so focused on waiting for the right time to come out, to finally be happy pero in exchange of waiting, the love of my life walked away, because it hurt choosing myself and my personal interest over ours. Over her.

Nauna ang takot ko. Sumobra ang pagiging maingat ko. I never risked losing anything and in the end, I was losing my everything, I was losing my Lisa, my bestfriend, my soulmate and my home and I witnessed it right before my eyes. When I asked Lisa if gusto niya si Joohyun, her answer almost killed me.

She said yes. And when she said it, she didn’t look at me. Kay Joohyun siya tumingin. With sad eyes, hindi dahil she was forced to. She said yes beause it was the truth. It was the truth none of us want to hear. It was the truth that broke me into a million pieces.  Naramdaman niyo  na ba yung biglang parang tumigil nalang ang lahat? Parang tumigil ang mundo? Hindi dahil masaya ka, kundi dahil nasasaktan ka at gusto mo nalang tumigil ang lahat.

Nung umalis si Joohyun kasama ni Lisa, Parang pinipiga ang puso ko. Seeing them walk away like that, walking away from us, walking out from everything that screams what they have is wrong, hurt me a lot, and ! Pakiramdam ko, nauubusan ako ng hangin sa katawan.  Nanlalamig, hindi makapaniwala, hindi makapag isip.

“Putang ina, meron ba sa inyong may alam nito?” Tanong ni Seulgi habang tumutulo ang luha sa kanyang mga mata. “Seul, Sinabihan ko si Lis, sinabi ko sakanya, whatever it is, tigilan nila. Na off-limits si Joohyun.” Sagot naman ni Wendy.

“Wan, tangina, bakit hindi mo sinabi sakin? May alam ka pala?” Sabi naman ni Seulgi. “I know nothing Seul, I just sensed na parang may something and I didn’t want to assume anything and then you and Joohyun started to fight kahapon, alangan na gatungan ko pa, makikisali paba ko sa away niyo? Magkakaibigan tayo dito.” Pag eexplain ni Wendy.

“Wan, tangina, ganun na pala nararamdaman niya, bakit hindi niya sinabi sakin, kaya naman naming ayusin yon. Tangina bakit ganon?” Sagot naman ni Seulgi. “Magpalamig muna kayo, utang na loob, andami ng nakatingin oh, nakakahiya na. Wag niyo ng dagdagan yung eksena dito baka makarating pa sa dean na may away nanaman dito.” Sabi naman ni Wendy.

Seulgi then leaves without a word pabalik sa loob ng school while I remain standing in the same place I was when everything unfolded between the people concerned. “I need to see Lisa, kaylangan ko siyang kausapin.” I said and walked out following their path hoping n asana maabutan ko pa siya.

Gusto ko siyang pigilan not to go, to stay with me, na pag usapan namin, I didn’t have the right. I’m not her girlfriend and we’re barely friends thes