Chapter 34

I just rushed back in without thinking further. I knew I couldn’t leave Jennie behind like that. They didn’t know how she was when she’s in her drunk state. I’ve dealt with it so many times already. The reason was all the same. Her, broken over someone else, but this time, she’s broken because of me, and I was too.

It’s as if my feet had a mind of it’s own. Pumasok ako sa loob and I knew exactly where to go. Parang pakiramdam ko, all these time, I still can’t shake the fact na I will always come to her. I hated myself for it. Hindi pa nga lumilipas ang isang araw since I saw her, and I’m already acting out. Against all the things that I’ve been trying to do.  It’s too hard to stay away from you.

Tumigil na ako sa kakaisip. Ang alam ko nalang, kailangan kita puntahan. You do so many stupid things when you’re drunk and I didn’t want you to regret things the next day because I was sure as hell, you probably will. I know you. I know you a little too well and that’s the tiest things right now. Kasi I can’t not care. Not when you’re being like this.

Baka nga we’re doing the same thing. If it wasn’t for Seulgi’s call, baka nasa loob parin kami ng KTV room ni Tzuyu ngayon with me drinking my sorrows away. Just like you. Pareho lang tayo. Ang pinag kaiba lang siguro natin eh mas mataas ang alcohol tolerance ko kesa sayo. If I’m not mistaken, baka ngayon, basag na basag kana with how Seulgi’s voice echoed behind that phone call, she was frantic.

I didn’t have time to feel bad for leaving Tzuyu inside my car, my thoughts spun around like crazy. Mababaliw ata ako ng dahil sayo. Loving you was great and deadly at the same time. It was dangerous and I fell inside a trap I have a hard time getting out of. It’s not easy. I don’t think it ever will be. Wala ng in between.

 I twisted the knob and swung the door open papasok sa loob ng party room niyo nila Seul. You were crying alone sa corner. All of them huddled trying to comfort you but you wouldn’t stop and I knew how to make you stop. I’m just not sure if the same thing applies now that I know your tears had a lot to do with me. I don’t know but I’m going to try anyway.

I knew I won’t be able to avoid you. Kahit pa anong gawin ko, our paths will always cross, we have the same friends, our parents are well acquainted and we’ll always have people that’ll keep us connected no matter how much I avoid you. It was pointless.

It served as my most difficult test, seeing the person that hurt you and then taking their pain away at the same time. I was about to do that and I need to be okay after that. I need not to fall into this trap again especially now. Not now when I know na you still can’t fight for me.

You’re still struggling and it shows. I am too. pareho lang tayo and we both need to do this in our own separate ways. Only time will tell kung talagang tayo pero I don’t think I’ll wait and put my life on hold for you. Not anymore. I believe, marami pang mangyayari. In a perfect world, pareho tayong makaka recover, maybe magiging friends ulit, or maybe magigig tayo ulit and then we’ll live a happy ever after. But that’s not the case.

This is our reality. Pareho nating hindi alam ang future natin, parehong walang kasiguraduhan. Walang permanente mapa- tao man o bagay. Yung mga taong kasama natin ngayon, possibleng wala na sila sa buhay natin 2,3,4 or 5 years from now. As much as we’d like to keep them, things change, people change and the world doesn’t revolve around us alone. It revolved around everyone.

At my drunken, tipsy and maybe sober state, I feel like I can see things clearer. Na wala talagang kasiguraduhan ang lahat ng bagay sa mundong to. Parang ako lang at ikaw. And still, like a stubborn person that I am, went against everything I thought was for the better.

I came running back for you. Again and again and again. Like a broken toy with damaged goods. I wasn’t the master of my own when it comes to you that’s why it’s always been a struggle. Tangina din ano? We’re so called humans that have their own free will to live pero it seems like I don’t have the freewill pag dating sayo. You’ve trained me so well. I thought.

Everyone was quiet nung pumasok ako sa loob ng room, Joohyun tried her best to comfort you, Seulgi did the same and the rest but I’m not them. They don’t know you like I do. Lumapit ako and they gave us space. “Labas muna kami.” Seulgi said and I nodded.

I stood right before you. You wouldn’t even look at me. You kept your head low. Malamang ayaw mong makita kitang umiiyak. “Jennie.” I said finally talking to her. Finally saying her name, she looked looked at me. It’s the same as before. Walang nagbago. I knew. Mahal niya ko and she knew, mahal ko parin siya.  But sometimes, love just isn’t enough to make one stay.

“Tumahan kana.” I said. Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ako huminga ng malalim just to be able to say those words. Pakiramdam ko kasi, I’d break too and both of us would end up like a crying mess. “I can’t stop.” She barely uttered those words.

I sat next to her and cupped her cheeks, I held it feeling the tears coming out from her eyes. I wiped it with my thumb. I at least tried to. Alam ko kung bakit umiiyak siya. It was killin