Chapter 48.4

Mangilang beses ko narin pinag isipan kung talaga bang ready na akong makita silang magkasama ng walang halong bitterness sa katawan. Ilang beses ko narin naisip na baka kapag sinuot ko ang coat na plinano niyang isuot ko noon para sa event na to eh, biglang magbago ang isip niya at marealize na mahal niya parin pala ako all these time.

Parang tanga lang no? four months na pala ang nakalipas mula nung sinukuan niya ako. Masaya na siya, ako miserable, trying to get by. Although, compared before, I’m actually in a much better place now. I wasn’t angry anymore. But, I’m still in pain.

Hindi naman siguro kadaling kalimutan ang four year relationship mo sa isang tao diba? Honestly, hindi ko alam kung pano niya nagagawang maging masaya ngayon. Wala naba talaga ako para sakanya? Baka naman kahit konti, naiisip niya pa ako?

When Joohyun and I talked, pakiramdam ko, gusto kong lumuhod sa harap niya. Para magmakaawa na bumalik siya saakin at subukan naming ulit. Para mag sorry dahil alam ko din naman, nagkulang ako. Pero, in truth, isang malaking suntok sa buwan nalang ang lahat after ng mga nangyari.

*flashback*

“Hyun, can we talk?” I approached her after ng class niya. She was hesitant at first. Can’t blame her. Ikaw ba naman, batuhin ka ng sarili mong phone at gamit, hindi k aba mag dadalawang isip makipag usap sa taong gumawa nun sayo? “Hindi ako gagawa ng gulo. I swear. I just want to talk.” Sabi ko naman. Not really believing myself na parang kailangan ko pang mag makaawa para lang makapag usap kami ng maayos. But I had to.

Wala namang next class sa 301 kaya inantay nalang naming lumabas lahat ng students sa room niya before kami pumasok sa loob to talk.  Meron pa namang 30 minutes bago pumunta ang guard dito para mag lock ng classroom. Inisip ko, kung thirty minutes lang ba ang itatagal ng usapan namin.

Ang 4 years naming relasyon, katumbas nalang ngayon ng 30 minutes na limited time.

“Kamusta kana?” I asked not really knowing kung san magsisimula. Tangina, yung level of comfort ko ngayon sa pakikipag usap sakanya, umabot ng negative fifty. When it was the complete opposite before.

Where, I’d tell her about my day, kahit di niya naman tinatanong, How I’d tell her stories about things that I thought were funny, O kaya naman kapag may bagong joke. Isa sa mga narealize ko how I tell things to her na akala ko maeentertain siya. But I never asked about her day. Now that I thought about it, tang ina ko pala talaga.

“I’m okay.” Sagot niya sakin. “Gusto ko lang mag sorry sa mga nasabi ko before. Hindi naman totoo yun lahat, I was mad at the situation ang I guess tired kasi I waited all night pero hindi ka dumating and when you did, I saw you with her and it just triggered everything.” Page explain ko naman. “Hindi mo naman kailangan mag sorry. I know you were mad, and you had every reason to.” Sabi niya naman sakin. “Ako ang nagkamali between us, I should have talked to you and I didn’t but I guess, things do happen for a reason.” Page explain niya. Owning everything that she did.

Hanggang ngayon, gusto kong magalit pero hindi ko na magawa. Not when she completely owned everything that she did. Pero ako, eto, hindi ko matanggap na nagkulang ako. Hindi matanggap na somehow, I fuelled everything, I’ve had my fair share of ups and I wasn’t even fully admitting it. Maybe it’s time that I do admit my faults. Tang ina ko ulit.

“I don’t blame you either. If ayaw mo na. I thought about it and I get it. Although, naisip ko, sana nalaman ko ng maaga. Baka hindi tayo umabot sa ganito. Baka sakin ka parin hanggang ngayon.” Sabi ko sakanya. Ang hirap palang magsabi ng totoo. Lalo na kung alam mong wala rin naman patutunguhan. Ang kailangan ko lang naman, marinig niya galing sakin na hindi ko siya sinisisi sa mga nangyari samin, kahit pa hindi lahat sa mga yun eh naiintindihan ko.

Lalo na’t nakita niya sakanya ang wala sa akin. Ang tanong ko lang bakit siya? Bakit hindi nalang iba? Sana sa ibang tao nalang. “Gusto ko lang itanong, kung bakit si Lisa of all people?” Tanong ko sakanya. “It’s not like pinili ko siyang magustuhan. It really just happened. Hindi ko naman ginagawang excuse yon. It’s just that, yun talaga yung nangyari. I just felt it and believe me, I fought hard. To avoid whatever it was that I was feeling for her. Kaya lang, it wasn’t enough and I’m sorry kung naging mahina ako.” She explained.

“Hindi mo na ba ko mahal?” Tinanong ko siya but she didn’t answer me. “Hyun, apat na taon. Wala na ba talaga yun sayo?” Kinailangan kong itanong. Kinailangan kong marinig. Kung ano mang sasabihin niya. Ito na yon. Point of no return sabi nga nila. “Hyun please. I need to know. Wala na ba talagang chance maging tayo? Kung babalik ka sakin ngayon, kakalimutan ko lahat ng nangyari. I promise, I’ll be a better girlfriend for you. Gagawin ko lahat to make it up to you.” I said as I tried to hold her hand pero tangina, she pulled away.  I guess, ayaw niya na.

“Seul, let’s not pretend things didn’t happen because it did. Let’s not pretend I didn’t make a mistake because you’ll end up resenting me in the long run. Forgetting about everything doesn’t fix anything. It will only cause ourselves resentment baling araw. Because you will eventually blame me sa tuwing mag aaway tayo.

What happened sa labas ng dorm, nung galit ka, will happen again, because you can’t control yourself kapag galit ka. Do you remember noong maghiwalay kayo ni Krystal before? You’ve become physical with her. I thought, baka dahil sa mga nangyari. Because let’s not forget, Krystal was never a saint. You’ve to