Chapter 79

I once read a passage somewhere that says— “There ain’t no way you can hold onto something that wants to go, you understand? You can only love what you got while you got it.”  It never left my mind since the day I came across those words.  I have been living in regret for the past four years, thinking of how I could’ve made things better for me and Joohyun.

Kung mas naging better girlfriend siguro ako, I wouldn’t have lost her. If I knew how to stand in my own two feet maybe she’s still here cheering for me and maybe if I showed her I can love her better, baka she’s right next to me, enjoying tea in the afternoon on a wintery weather dito sa Seoul.

I guess, I just ran out of luck when it comes to love. Kasi ever since we broke up, I don’t think pinalad pako makahanap ng papalit sakaniya. I guess, you can never really replace a person that never left your heart. Paano mo ba naman kasi kakalimutan ang babaeng nagpabagal at nagpabilis ng tibok ng puso mo? I, Kang Seulgi, have never been the same after Bae Joohyun left me for another woman.

Sa totoo lang, nung una, hindi ko magawang makita kung saan ako nagkamali. I’ve decided to point fingers kasi sa sarili ko, alam ko ginawa ko naman lahat mapasaya lang siya. But that wasn’t completely true. Kasi, she wouldn’t have left me just like that if I made her happy. Worse part of it all is I had to compare myself to a friend I trusted the most. Lisa.

Anong meron siya na wala ako? Anong nakita ni Hyun sakanya na wala sakin? 4 years of relationship down the drain, kinalimutan niya lahat for her. And now, 4 years after that, hindi parin ako maka move on, habang naka move on na ang lahat. To be honest, nagulat ako when I heard about Joohyun and Lisa’s break up.

Kasi diba? Joohyun dropped everything for her, tapos si Lisa na mahal na mahal si Jennie, also gave up her chances na magkabalikan pa sila ulit para kay Joohyun. It must’ve meant something right? Pero ang ending, hindi din pala sila nagtagal. Their relationship never lasted a year and from what I heard, si Joohyun ang nakipag hiwalay and then moved out of their unit after the break up.

Naisip ko that time, baka narealize niya na mahal niya pa pala ko, na baka bumalik siya sakin. Tapos magsisimula kami ulit. Na she’ll reach out to me, tapos sasabihin niya sakin sorry, na kung pwede kami nalang ulit. Sa totoo lang, umasa ako. Pero siyempre, hindi ko nanaman na sinabi yun sa mga kaibigan ko.

Umasa akong babalik siya. Pero months passed, years passed, and I never heard anything from her. Kahit hi, kahit hello, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Birthday, lahat ng possible holidays, wala. Kahit mahal na araw ni ha ni ho wala. And that’s the time where things became clear for me. Ayaw niya na talaga sakin.

Hindi ko din naman kasi talaga siya masisisi. Sa apat na taon naming relasyon, most of the time, siya naman talaga ang nagsalba saming dalawa. If you were to ask me, she’s the very reason kung bakit nag survive kami ng ganun katagal. Kasi, she had been nothing but patient with me. Sa mga kabaliwan ko, sa pagka childish ko, sa lahat ng bagay. Lahat ini-asa ko sakanya. Kaya siguro nung napagod na siya, point of no return na din talaga dahil nakita niyang meron pa palang iba maliban sakin that would treat her better.

Because I never did. Kahit naman sabihin kong mahal na mahal ko siya, na hindi ako tumingin sa iba kahit minsan, hindi naman ibig sabihin non, perfect lover ako. Kasi siya lang ang umintindi sakin sa maraming pagkakataon. Isa sa mga bagay na hindi ko nagawa para sakanya. Kasi kahit minsan, hindi niya pinaramdam sakin na nahihirapan na pala siya sakin. Something that I should’ve been more sensitive about kasi alam ko naman sa sarili ko that I’m a piece of work. What made me think na hindi niya ko susukuan when I,myself am aware na hindi naman talaga ko great girlfriend kasi needs ko palag