Chapter 81

Dalawang linggong naging palaisipan kung papaano ko ulit haharapin si Joohyun. It’s been four years na din kasi since the last time I saw her, at nung graduation pa namin yun nung college. Umalis na din kasi ako agad after ng ceremony because I didn’t want to get stuck in the same country after what happened.

Pakiramdam ko kasi that time, kapag namimiss ko siya, it would be easy na puntahan siya. Because it’s one car away. Mahal ko siya, pero nasaktan ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko, if and when alcohol takes over me. I didn’t want to be the loser in this story. Hindi naman kasi ako yung tipong maghahabol pa kung alam ko namang ayaw  na sakin nung tao.

Kaso, siyempre, pag nakainom ka na, iba nadin kasi ang usapan. Most of the time, lumalabas kung ano talagang totoong pakiramdam natin, kung anong tunay nating saloobin. It’s just that, we’re braver when alcohol takes over. At yun ang bagay na pinaka iniiwasan ko dahil ayokong magmakaawang bumalik siya sakin, kahit pa mahal na mahal ko siya.

When I moved to Jeju, lalong naging tahimik ang buhay ko. Siyempre may mga times na I’d find myself lonely, well, most of the time naman ganun, pero it was a lot tolerable. It was better than staying sa Pinas because I wouldn’t be able to run after her whenever things go bad for me. Sa tuwing mafufrustrate ako, sa tuwing mag isa lang ako, at sa tuwing gusto kong maramdaman ulit kung paano niya ako mahalin.

Iniisip ko, kung pano ko siya kakalimutan, iniisip ko kung kalian dadating ang araw na mararamdaman ko sa sarili kong okay na ko. Yung tipong magkakaharap na kami ulit without me, falling apart. My relationship with her had been the best but I was too blind to see the red flags along the way. Sayang. Sobrang sayang. But it is what it is.

As soon as my plane landed back in Manila, I felt nervous. Hindi ko alam if it’s because Joohyun and I agreed to meet a day after I get home or if it’s because I’m seeing her again very soon or if it’s because hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko pag nagkita na kami ulit. Alam niyo yung ganong feeling? Antagal mong hindi nakita yung tao eh. Tapos feeling mo, may unfinished business kayong dalawa because things really didn’t end well between the two of you.

The last time we talked about us was back in college nung sinabi niya saking “minahal niya ako.” Past tense. Therefore, noon palang, she already stopped loving me but I didn’t. Obviously. It was a hard thing to accept pero hindi ko narin ipinilit dahil alam kong hindi naman na ako ang kailangan niya that time. Masakit lang talagang tanggapin na hindi na ako, and I don’t think it will ever be me again.

Mahirap lang talaga mag move on sa part ko because I didn’t realize the problem until after she left me. Hindi ako nabigyan ng chance to change things, or to correct things man lang,kaya siguro sobrang unsettled ng feeling ko and I never got over it. The only question that I had left in me was how do I forget her?

Siguro malalaman ko kapag nagkita na kami ulit. Maybe yes, maybe I’ll love her even more after all these time, and maybe it just wont be the same anymore. Either way, I’ve put myself together and thought this might be the time where I get an actual closure. Either I get her back or I don’t. Either, I still love her or not.

We have been texting back and forth para sa details kung san kami magkikita. We’ve decided to meet up nalang sa TWG since yun ang nearest tea salons sa area ng pinag s-stayan ko and she said ayaw niyang ma-hassle pa ako. I didn’t protest kasi, if there’s one thing na hindi ko namiss dito sa Manila, it’s how horrible the traffic is. Kaya I was relieved I didn’t have to travel for a long time. Hindi pa din kasi ako makakapag drive ulit because expired na ang license ko dito. One of the many things na kailangan kong asikasuhin as I return to the motherland.

I got her a box of chamomile tea that was home grown by one of the villager sa Jeju. May matatanda kasi doon na ito na ang business na minana pa sa mga ninuno nila kaya alam mong, it’s one of the best kasi it’s not commercialised. I was 100% positive na magugustuhan niya to because she has this not so subtle love for tea. Hence, yung meeting place namin. So go figure.

Nung makarating ako sa meeting place namin, I was surprised na nauna pa siya sakin. Akala ko kasi, ako ang mauuna because I arrived 30 minutes before yung oras na pinag usapan naming dalawa. Kasi sa isip ko, I wanted to relax first and pull my together before seeing her again and mentally prepare myself for what’s about to take place pero I guess, mukhang ganun din ata siya. She looked hella nervous nung matanaw ko siya sa loob ng TWG.

I can’t say I wasn’t kasi kahit ako naman sobrang kaba ko din. It’s been a while since we saw each other but something changed. I realized yung kaba ko was not because I was afraid to see her again but because I was afraid kung anong mararamdaman ko kapag nakita ko siya ulit and as crazy as it may sound, I wasn’t the same as before. Not in the slightest.

Naglakad ako papunta sakanya without her really realizing na andun na ako. She was looking around until our eyes met. She’s still so beautiful. She looked exactly the same as she was four years ago but something changed. I can’t point a finger on it pero the feeling was different. She was different, not by looks because hindi naman talaga nagbago, sobrang ganda niya parin, but I guess, something about her aura changed.

“Hi, kanina kapa dito?” I asked and she gave me a smile, a little uncertain kung okay lang ban a ngitian niya ko, but then again, I smiled too. “Hindi naman, halos kadadating ko lang, I had less work today kaya napa aga ako dito.” Sabi niya naman sakin. “Ah, ako din kadadating ko lang.” Sabi k