Chapter 56

The night turned out better than I expected. To be honest, I was assuming the worse. I know I’ve said na gusto ko naman na din talagang kausapin si Jennie, I just didn’t expect that it would be tonight. I guess, Jisoo and Wendy found a way para magkita kami ulit and that was tonight sa bahay nila Jisoo.

Kahit naman ilang beses kong idefend yung sarili ko, sa mata ng ibang tao mali parin yung relationship naming ni Lisa. I can’t change that anymore. Things already happened and we’re all moving on from it. I was starting my life with Lisa and everything had been great so far. Yun nga lang, I can’t really expect everyone to be happy for me.

Alam ko naman may mga nasaktan. I didn’t forget. Siguro part of me just wanted peace of mind. Kasi since Lisa and I started, parang it had been me and her against the world. Kahit pa malaya ka na sa mga bagay na gusto mong gawin, hindi mo magawang maging masaya ng buo dahil alam mong may mga sinaktan kang tao. Hindi naman ako bato para hindi makaramdam.

But because of Lisa, kinaya ko. Because she welcomes me with open arms. Because she kisses me without hesitation and because she looks at me like no other. I didn’t think I could give her up for the sake of my friendship with Jennie. I had to be selfish because she picked me up and made me whole again. I had to be selfish because she was starting to matter. I had to be selfish because I was falling relentlessly in love with her and I thought, yung mga sampal na inabot ko tonight was worth every pain because I had to ask for forgiveness, for redemption, kahit hindi kayang ibigay sakin ni Jennie yun. I had to try for Lisa.

Because she stood by me nung mga panahong gulong gulo ako. Nung mga panahong hindi ako nakakapag isip ng tama, she was there at inintindi ako. She faced Seulgi kasama ko, and I couldn’t even do that with Jennie. It took time para mag build up ng courage. And I guess, tonight, I get a taste of what it feels like ng masaktan. I know, it’s nothing compared sa naramdaman ni Jennie, I wish it didn’t have to be the way it did, pero nandun na tayo sa nangyari na ang lahat. You cannot undo, delete or erase anything that happened because that’s not how it works.

Sana kasi pwede mo nalang kalimutan basta lahat ng hindi magagandang nangyari sayo eh. I finally got what I wanted. I got the girl but in exchange, I lost my friend whom treated me like a real sister. I lost Seulgi who did nothing but love me. Only that, her love wasn’t enough. I didn’t even try to fix it when our relationship could have been saved. Nakaramdam ako ng takot ulit. Akala ko hindi ko na mararamdaman yun when Lisa and I finally got together. But it wasn’t the case. I guess it’s too good to be true because it’s even scarier now.

We started of wrong, I’m afraid, it’ll end the same way. Mas lalo akong natakot and I felt na mas lalo akong mag ci-cling kay Lisa because I don’t want us to have an ugly ending. I don’t want us to have an end for that matter because I’m already in too deep.

Akala ko, after the series of slaps Jennie gave me, wala na talagang chance para maging okay kami. Kneeling in front of her is something na hindi ko ginawa sa kahit sinong tao. But I had to do it. I had to put my pride aside because wala akong karapatan magkaron ng pride afterall the things that happened. I had to it up and accept whatever the consequences are. Weather she forgives me or not, I had to do it. I had to let Jennie know how I felt and how everything came down to where it did. In hopes na baka maintindihan niya kahit na impossible.

When she told me na alam niyang hindi na babalik sakanya si Lisa, her voice broke. I almost couldn’t believe I played a big part as to why Lisa isn’t with her. When dati, ako pa yung tumutulong sakanila to fix things.Now, I’m the one keeping them away from each other. Nung sinabi niyang pagod na siyang masaktan, I did feel like it’s true. I couldn’t blame her. I couldn’t invalidate the fact na nawala yung tiwala niya sakin and not just her. Kahit naman hindi aminin nila Wannie, I knew somehow, nagbago dun yung relationship ko with everyone. I knew they were all against this. Against the idea of me and Lisa getting together. I wasn’t blind.

But there they were. Trying their best to be fair as friends for me and for Jennie. When we finally hugged it out, I couldn’t help it.  The feeling was all sorts of mixed emotions. Relief? Happiness? Peace of mind? Maybe all of the above but I knew it  was the start. Of acceptance and moving on from the past. For the first time, since mangyari ang lahat, I felt a lot more at ease. Sana talaga this is it.

In between our get together with the girls, I would sneak away every now and then to update Lisa. Sabi niya kasi to call her from time to time para masundo niya ako if ever hindi ko na kaya mag drive pauwi. I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to pick me up now lalo na when Jennie and I just made up.

I didn’t want to seem like bastos ako. I knew kahit naman nag usap na kami ni Je