Chapter 48.2

Seven months na pala ang nakalipas since we broke up. Sobrang dami ng nangyari since then. One realization after another. When something happens, parang lagi nalang may awakening na nangyayari. Yung mga iniisip mo before, biglang it wont make sense nalang on the next one and then another, and another, and so on. Parang hindi natatapos. Parang neverending cycle lang.  I’m not sure when it’ll end. I’m not sure if I already have the final answer or if I’m still in the middle of an equation.

Madali lang kasing humanap ng solusyon sa bawat problema. Pero, hindi lahat, madaling gawin. Hindi lahat, tama at hindi lahat, gusto mo. When I saw Jennie sa ball, I couldn’t help but feel guilty sa mga nangyari. Parang nabaliktad ang sitwasyon namin. Pero this time, it’s even worse because may mga taong naapektuhan sa mga pinili kong desisyon.

May mga taong nasaktan, and things just hasn’t been the same since. Sa totoo lang, simple lang naman talaga ang rason ko kung bakit si Joohyun ang pinili ko at hindi si Jennie. I got tired of hurting. I got tired of being broken.

I didn’t want it anymore. Siguro naman may karapatan pa akong mapagod masaktan dahil tao lang naman ako. I didn’t want to keep looking for an escape whenever masaktan ako. Gusto ko nalang matapos ang lahat. Nakasama din siguro ang pagmamahal ng sobra because I didn’t have anything left para sa sarili ko, and I couldn’t go back to who I was before.

I couldn’t go back no matter how much I try. There’s going to be a part of me that will always feel afraid. Kasi, you with Mino, on your dad’s birthday, broke me. I was your girlfriend then but our relationship was the problem and you thought Mino was your answer kasi he knew something about you that you didn’t want your parents to find out just yet. I should have been more understanding. But I was pushed a little over the edge. Akala ko, I was going to get over that but no matter what I do, I couldn’t. Funny how things work because now, it’s me who’s seeing someone else. I didn’t want to hurt you. I never planned to hurt you. Parang ikaw, I know you never meant to hurt me. Yung mga ginawa mo was supposed to be for us. But I wasn’t able to handle it. Kala ko kasi I can endure anything basta para sayo. 

But as it turns out, I underestimated my limits. I  couldn’t handle the pain and I wish I did. Sana mas nilakasan ko pa ang loob ko to wait for you. Sana, hindi ako naging mahina. If I endured everything baka maging worth it in the end because finally, I get to be with you. Akala ko it will be easy to wait hanggang maka graduate tayo, but look what happened. Nagkanda letche letche nalang lahat ng bagay na inakala nating malalagpasan natin.

And here I am, doing the same exact thing to you. Except, we’re not together anymore. Except, she is your friend. Except she used to be my friends girlfriend. It’s twice as ed up as what you did to me. Napagod akong masaktan, I have no other excuse. Joohyun was my answer in spite the circumstances.

Maybe it wasn’t even entirely about Mino anymore. Maybe it wasn’t even because we’re hinding our relationship from your parents. Baka, it was everything. From the moment I fell in love with you, I was already enduring a lot because I couldn’t tell you I love you. I felt hopeless for a long time. Seeing you cry for someone else hurt me everytime. Wishing na sana ako nalang para hindi kana umiiyak. It fuelled everything and I got tired of hurting.

And now, it’s me that’s been hurting you. I can’t let you wait five years. I can’t do that to you when I’ve been through so much uncertainty with you sa mga nag daang taon. I can’t make you wait. It’s not fair and you don’t deserve this.

Maybe now is not our time, I can’t let you put everything on hold for me while I’m starting to find happiness from someone else. I don’t think I can ever be fully happy kung alam kong nasasaktan kita.

I know what I said. To fight for your happiness. But I’m not making you happy. I’m hurting you. Truth is, we’re both broken. Siguro sa 9 years nating magkasama, hindi talaga natin alam how to be without each other. Which makes things a lot more difficult because you’re my ing bestfriend.

I thought the world of you. I’ve loved you so ing much, nakuntento ako noon na mahalin ka ng walang kapalit. Kaya nga siguro I grab every chance I get noon para makalimutan ka. Starting with Tzuyu, and then Chaeng, and then Tzuyu again and when everything went haywire, I found Joohyun. Unexpectedly. And it became so very serious. A lot more serious than I thought kasi I thought that time when we kissed, baka talagang alak lang and we we’re both sad. But weather we admit it or not, a switch had been . A switch both of us didn’t knew existed and then everything just became out of control.

She wasn’t really single when things developed between her and I. It wasn’t pretty. However, it happened. And right now, I didn’t want to find myself crawling back to you again kasi I don’t want to keep doing it over and over again just because we couldn’t let go of each other.

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