Chapter 48.1

Ano ang ginagawa ng taong hindi maka move on?

1. Uminom ng alak
2. Umiyak
3. Subukang kalimutan siya
4. Mag reminisce
5. Back to step 1

Not that it mattered pero I actually took the time to look good para sa grad ball. HIndi ko naman talaga balak pumunta. Kasi, ano nga namang point if I don't get to go with the person I thought I'd go with after lahat ng nangyari. Totoo nga siguro yung sabi ng iba. Na may mga bagay talagang hindi mo ineexpect na mangyayari sayo. 

Patuloy tayong naniniwala na ang mga taong nasa kasalukuyan ay mananatili sa mga susunod na araw. Kaya naman most of us take advantage of the people that love us, knowing that they'll stick around until the very end. But that's the opposite of everything I thought it would be. So here I am, being my most pathetic self, barely hanging in there. It hasn't even been a year yet. Nakakatawa lang ang pag-eemote ko. 

Pero, I think unti-unti naman, nakakapag adjust na ako na ganito ang magiging sitwasyon ko sa mga dadaang taon. Ewan. Bahala na. I'm really not looking forward sa mga araw na iintayin ko habang wala ka. But I'm looking forward sa araw na babalikan mo ako. Oo na, tanga na kung tanga. 

"Huy ang cute mo jan sa dress." Sabi sakin ni Jisoo. "Thanks unnie. Kala ko sabay sila Wan satin?" Tanong ko naman. "Eh susunduin daw siya ni Joy eh. Mauuna na daw sila sa venue kasi mag hohost ang gaga." Sabi niya naman. "Ay oo nga pala no. Okay." 

"Hoy, bat ganyan mukha mo?" Tanong sakin ni Jisoo. "Ano meron?" Tanong ko naman sakanya. "Ayan, yung ganyan mo. Bakit parang di ka sigurado kung pupunta ka? Don't tell me mag baback out ka ha! Huy Jen, baka hindi na maulit to. Ngayon lang tayo ulit magiging complete." Sabi naman ni Jisoo. 

"Wala naman ako sinasabing hindi ako pupunta. Medyo kinakabahan lang." Sabi ko naman. "Kinakabahan bakit?" Tanong ni Jisoo. "Eh siyempre, for sure naman sabay silang pupunta sa ball. Di ko alam kung paano ako." Sabi ko naman. "Baliw, hindi ka naman namin iiwan ni Chaeng. Upo ka sa gitna namin tapos chika tayo. Let's see kung anong mangyayari mamaya. As far as I know, nakapag usap na si Seul and Joohyun." Sabi naman ni Jisoo.

"Talaga? Nag usap na sila? Kelan?" Tanong ko naman. "Before nag agree sumama sa ball si Seul, sabi ni Wendy nag usap daw si Joohyun at si Seulgi." Kwento ni Jisoo. "Ahh." Sagot ko naman not really knowing what else to say. "Kelan niyo balak mag usap ni Joohyun?" Tanong niya naman sakin.

"Hindi naman ganun kadali yun." Sabi ko naman. "May sinabi ba akong madali? Jen, after college, We don't know kung magkikita-kita pa tayo. Yung friendship niyo ni Joohyun sayang. You guys were so close before blew up." Sabi naman ni Jisoo. "Hindi naman kasi ako galit sakanya. I have no right to be mad."  Sabi ko naman. "So, anong problema? If you're not mad? Si Lisa?" Tanong niya and I didn't bother answering the obvious.

"Jen..." Jisoo was about to say something but I stopped her. "Alam ko naman na sasabihin mo, mag move on na ko, naka move on na si Lisa, masaya na siya, alam ko naman lahat yun. Di mo na kaylangan ulitin pero hindi ibig sabihin non hindi ako nasasaktan, kasi ang sakit sakit parin hanggang ngayon. Sorry, makulit kasi tong puso ko eh. I can't let her go. Kaya please, don't tell me what to do. Just.. Hayaan mo nalang akong ganito okay? Okay lang naman ako." I said.

"Pero hindi ka okay." Sabi naman ni Jisoo. "I will be." Sabi ko naman. "Okay, sorry , change topic na. Baba na tayo, malapit na daw si Chaeng eh. "Okay." sabi ko naman and sakto pagbaba namin, Andun na si Chaeng. "Chu, please wag niyo ko iwanan magisa dun." I pleaded. "Oo naman. wag ka magalala. Let's just enjoy the night one last time ng magkakasama." Sabi niya naman, assuring me na they had my back.

When we arrived at the venue, marami-rami nadin palang students ang nandito. Jisoo, Chaeng and I, arrived as a trio. Parang prom all over again lang ang feels pero at the same time, medyo somber din ang aura. I guess, aside from being excited to finally graduate from school in general, andun ang kaniya-kaniyang kabang nararamdaman ng mga students katulad ko. What comes next after college?

Andun yung thought na baka never na talaga kami maging okay ng Daddy ko. 4 months after I came out, I can say na it hasn't been better for me. At all. My dad didn't make the effort to reach out to me while my mom kahit naman nag uusap kami, my dad holds control over her. Kaya parang wala din naman. They didn't entirely cut me off because nakakatanggap padin naman ako ng allowance from them, it's just that, ever since coming out, The parents I wished would be there for me, came in as a disappointment.  I don't even know kung pupunta sila ng graduation ko to witness me walk up on stage and accept my diploma. I've heard from the dean na I got the suma cumlaude title amongst the students when the final GPA's were computed.  That means, hindi man ako mag speech, like whoever got the magna cumlaude title,  that means, I'll get a medal  for it and for other competitions I participated through the years since mag college ako.

I wondered, kung may magsasabit ba sakin ng medal or if my parents would have the decency to attend my graduation, Lungkot no? But I guess it is what it is. Too good to be true anyway I don't think anything can hurt me anymore than Lisa being with someone else.  But I'm okay.  I try to be. I keep telling that to myself.  I'm okay. Jennie, you are okay.

Pagpasok namin ng venue, We had a table RSVP'd para saming pitong magkakaibigan. Each table had 8 chairs and it made sense Si Joy ang plus one ni Wendy. So, we didn't have a problem sa spot. It was all organized by Wendy naman kaya it wasnt a problem. Pero the problem was the people