Chapter 49

When Power Ranger Pink says Goodbye

College Life—

Sabi nila, ito daw ang part ng life natin where we get to know ourselves more. Kung anong gusto nating gawin sa buhay at kung ano talaga tayo bilang isang tao. It’s where we’re one step away from reaching our dreams. It’s where we start planning for our future and sometimes, it’s where we experience the greatest heartbreaks.

Dito mo maeexperience lahat ng mga bagay na hindi mo aakalaing pagdadaanan mo. Katulad ko nalang, I never thought magiging ganito kagulo ang last year ko dito. Simpleng college student lang naman ako. My original plan was to just graduate without really expecting much. Basta may diploma okay na, and then I’ll start living on my own.

Not that I don’t like staying with my parents. But I liked independency. I also planned living with Jennie. If ever wala siyang boyfriend, pwede kaming maging room mates. O kahit may boyfriend siya, pwede parin naman diba? Pero syempre lahat yun nagbago when things started to develop between us. Tangina, ikaw ba naman, malaman mo, gusto ka rin pala ng babaeng matagal mo ng minamahal from a far. Parang ikaw na ang pinaka masayang tao sa mundo.

Then nag simula kami magplano ng forever naming dalawa. Isang malaking katarantaduhan by yours truly. A house, A stable job and a lifetime to spend with at kung ano ano pang mga bagay basta magkasama kaming dalawa.

Jennie Kim.

Ikaw. Ang babaeng pinag pala sa lahat. Ang nag iisang taong may kakayahang bumuo at sumira sa akin. Hindi ko na ata mabilang kung ilang beses akong umiyak dahil sayo. Hindi ko na rin matandaan kung ilang beses akong tumawa dahil sa kabaliwan mo. Hindi ko makakalimutan si Power Ranger Pink.  Naaalala mo pa kaya?

I was going through my things sa bahay when I found your letters to me mula nung magkakilala tayo. Yung first day mo, was also your first letter to me. Sabi mo ililibre mo ako ng waffle sa may kiosk tuwing recess basta samahan lang kita.

Late bloomer ako. Sort of. Kaya ibig sabihin non, late din akong nagkaperiod. And ofcourse, dahil hilig mo ng gumawa ng letter gamit ang collection mong stationary, you wrote me one again. “Happy Mensturation Day Lili more mens to come.” Ang nakasulat and I couldn’t help but laugh sa mga kagaguhan mo dahil nag drawing ka pa ng modess na may pakpak sa ibaba ng papel na sinulatan mo.

The next letter was from our recollection day. Ito yung day na pinagrereflect tayo sa buhay ng mga madre sa school. Buong day tayong nasa loob ng recollection room. PInagtatawanan pa nga natin ang mga classmate natin grabe kung maka iyak sa mga life realizations nila sabay tayong dalawa nag tatawanan lang.  But you wrote me another letter. Hindi mo nakita pero umiyak din ako. Kasi sabi mo thankful ka sakin dahil lumaki kang mag isa. Walang kapatid. Somehow nakarelate ako, because I was also an only child and we had each others back.

Nakita ko din yung valentines letter mo sa akin. Of course, this time, sinulat mo siya sa scented paper at inilagay mo sa red envelope. Inubos mo yung mini heart stickers na binili mo nung fair at inilagay mo lahat sa envelope kasi sabi mo, ganon mo ko ka love. Walang malisya noon pero sa tingin ko, dun ako nagsimula makaramdam ng iba para sayo. Di ko na talaga matandaan kung kailan nagsimula eh sa totoo lang. Pero  alam ko, kinilig ako kasi ang sabi mo, kahit may boyfriend ka, ako ang valentine mo. Tangina malalandi na pala tayo noon palang ano?

The next one was nung mag away tayo. Nag selos ka kasi akala mo pinagpalit kita bilang bestfriend. Napaka babaw kung iisipin. Pero ang drama mo, parang nag mmk tayong dalawa because that was the first time that I wrote you back. It was also the first time that we promised each other something. Na hanggang pag tanda natin, hindi natin kakalimutan ang isa’t isa.  Na kahit na may mga asawa’t anak na tayo, magkakaron parin tayo ng time para sa isa’t isa. That was the first time na naramdaman kong baka talagang importante ako sayo.

Hanggang sa mag college tayo. Magkasama parin tayo. Same school, same course at almost same  schedule. Hindi tayo mapag hiwalay. Yung mga ex mo, hindi ko kasundo dahil madalas, pinipili mong ako ang kasama mo kaysa sakanila.

Medyo hindi ko rin naintindihan kasi, bakit nagboyfriend kapa? Tapos pag wala na, iiyak ka. Tpos next day, back to normal ulit hanggang may bago ka nanaman while I remained stuck sa mga nararamdaman ko para sayo.

In the process siguro, naisip ko, baka ako ang naging selfish sa ating dalawa because you were only living your life habang ako, internally na umaasa, wishing na baka biglang mauntog ka tapos ako na yung gusto mo.

Marami akong isinisi sayo. Pero naisip ko, ano ba talagang nagawa ko para sayo? Bilang kaibigan, bilang girlfriend mo, bilang taong umiintindi dapat sayo, parang wala man lang akong napatunayan. You lived your life, you experienced things, while I, held myself back because of you. Natakot ako. In a way, sa tingin ko, part of me envied you. Kasi you experienced things until you realized na ako pala ang gusto mo. While I was busy fantasizing over you and our make believe lovestory. Tipong pakiramdam ko, ako yung dehado because all those times, I kept thinking it was unrequited. I didn’t allow myself to experience things until later when already blew up.

I blamed you for doing something so ing normal like dating. I made your life complicated. Malamang, I was the reason why you came out to your parents kahit alam kong against yun sa lahat ng plano mo. I’m so ing selfish Jen. Siguro If we dealt with things differently, baka talagang tayo pa. Sa tingin ko sa mga nangyari satin, may kasalanan din ako kung bakit ako nasaktan. I never felt I was enough for you to fight for.

Pero why is there a need to fight when we both could have just waited for our time nga naman diba? The Mino problem was so fixable now that I think of it. He could have just told your dad you were gay and you could have said he’s delusional and a stalker. Problem solved. I would have backed you up with the story.

Sobrang daming regrets, mistakes and what could have beens. Ito na ata ang worse na pinag daanan nating dalawa sa loob ng nine years of friendship natin. And this time, there are no letters from you. No letters of reconciliation or whatsoever and I wondered, will you ever write to me again?

Gagraduate na tayo, it means, it might be the last time I’ll ever see you. Because I don’t know if we’ll still remain in touch after ng mga nangyari. I know the things that we said sa grad ball. You’ll always be my bestfriend.

But I think you never knew that you were my first love. And maybe you were my one great love. My unrequited one and the forever I thought I’d spend with. While it’s true I chose to end everything between us, it’s not only because ayoko na sayo. Maybe it’s also because I want you to give yourself a chance to know your worth. Because I don’t deserve any of your love.

Nasaktan ako. I made decisions for myself sa makakabuti sa mental state ko. Sa puso ko at sa buhay ko. Siguro. Baka. Nothings ever certain eh. And then I though