Chapter 72

“Joohyun mahal kita.” Sagot ko sakanya and t’s because it was the truth. I love her. But then again, she heard me talking in my sleep. Hindi ko alam kung paniniwalaan ko. Hindi ko alam if she’s just making things up to start a fight but I felt afraid as soon as she looked at me with pain visible in her eyes.

Maybe it was true.—

Baka sinabi ko talaga without being aware. Maybe I was hurting her without me knowing. Maybe I was giving her constant heartaches habang buong akala ko, napapasaya ko siya. I mean sure, I’ve had many hints. Kapag tahimik siya, kapag umiiyak siya out of nowhere, when she seem sad, it was all there and I asked everytime. Did I try hard enough to know the problem though? I didn’t. I should have, but didn’t.  

“You love me? Pero bakit sa pag tulog mo, siya ang hinahanap mo?” She asked. “Joohyun, please. Hindi ko alam.” Sagot ko sakanya not really knowing where to begin. What do I even say? Even I, myself don’t know the answer. I didn’t know I was calling out her name. I didn’t know I was telling her I love her tapos naririnig pala ng girlfriend ko all these time. Stupid Stupid Stupid.

“I don’t need to ask you kung mahal mo pa si Jennie because you clearly still do.” Matipid na sinabi ni Joohyun. I remained quiet. Processing everything that she was throwing at me. I’ve been trying. I’ve been doing my best para mag work ang relationship namin and I’ve never been happier pero in the back of my head, without me realizing, ganito pala ang nangyayari. I’ve been hurting Joohyun because my inner consciousness had been screaming for Jennie.

“Let’s end this Lisa.” Sabi niya sakin. Three words. Three painful words that I never thought would hear from her. Three words that I would never forget. Let’s end this. Why can’t it be I love you’s instead? I didn’t want to say goodbye. I didn’t want this to end. I never wanted anything else. I was getting better. I’d like to think I was feeling better after ng mga nangyari sakin, samin. That things were finally moving forward. Akala ko lang pala yun eh.

Was I lying to myself these whole time? I’m so confused. It’s like a whole wave of angst thrown at me in a blink of an eye. “Joohyun, wag naman ganito, let’s fix this. Ayaw kitang mawala. Akala ko ba open tayo sa isa’t isa? Nung may problem aka, ilang beses kitang tinanong, bakit ngayon mo lang to sinasabi?” I asked nang magsimulang tumulo ang luha sa aking mga mata.

Ang mga luhang hindi ko inakalang meron pa. Luhang para sakanya, para sayo at para sakin. Akala ko tapos na ako dito eh. Hindi pa pala. “If I did, magsasabi kaba ng totoo? You keep lying to yourself Lisa and I can only handle so much. I couldn’t stand hearing her name while you drown yourself in tears unconsciously. Alam mo ba ang pakiramdam nun? Yung pakiramdam na kinukulong mo lang yung taong mahal mo dahil may mahal siyang iba?” She said as her voice cracked.

Eto nanaman ako, sinasaktan ko nanaman siya.  Eto nanaman ako, pinapaiyak ko nanaman siya. Eto nanaman ako, nagkamali nanaman. “I’m not the one that you need Lisa.” Sabi niya sakin and I couldn’t help it. I needed to feel her in my arms. I need to hold on to something, to someone. Because If I don’t I would break. Joohyun’s the only piece that I have left. I. can’t. lose. Her.

Huling Sandali - December Avenue

Hindi mapigil ang bugso ng aking puso

Sa tuwing ako'y papalapit sa'yo

Maaari bang hingin ang iyong kamay

Hawakan mo't 'wag mong bitawan

“Please, Joohyun, nagmamakaawa ako. Kahit anong gusto mo, sabihin mo sakin, gagawin ko. Kahit di pa ko matulog, wag mo lang akong sukuan please. Please. Don’t do this.” I begged at ikinulong siya sa aking mga yakap. It was as if I was beginning to lose someone so precious and so delicate. I looked into her eyes as pools of tears continue to drown both of us. I leaned my forehead against hers as I tightened our hug. “Please.”

Hindi mapigil ang tibok ng aking puso

Sa tuwing ako'y nakatingin sa'yo

Maaari bang huwag kang humiwalay

Dahil sandali na lang

Darating din ang gabing walang pipigil sa 'tin

Kung hindi ngayon aasa bang maibabalik ang kahapon?

She gripped my shirt and buried her face on my chest as I felt her tears begginging to wet my shirt. I was beginning to hate myself sa mga bagay na nagawa ko I was hating myself because I was hurting this girl who did nothing but love me. Who did nothing but care for me, who did nothing but be there for me. But what did I do in return? Sinasakt