Chapter 86

The night had actually gone better than I thought. Nagsimula sa kaba, nagsimula sa uncertainty, pero bandang huli, the party was what everyone needed and I couldn’t thank my friends enough dahil dito. Although siyempre, awkward parin kami ni Joohyun, it was expected. I mean, hindi naman siguro sa isang iglap, biglang okay nalang kami. Tipong parang walang nangyari. It’s just not how things work,kahit pa gusto nating maging okay na talaga ang lahat.

The important thing is, We were all doing the right thing para sa mga sarili namin. I don’t think all of us would have the nerve to face each other if we weren’t ready to move forward and leave the past behind. I thought magkakausap kami ni Joohyun to be honest. But we just didn’t have the chance. I’m pretty sure somethings going on with her and Seulgi and wala na akong business sa kung ano man ang meron sakanila ngayon. It’s not my place para makigulo pa. All I know is that, here, right beside me, is the girl I’ve been in love with since I first realized what it meant. Or maybe I didn’t really know the intensity of that feeling before.

Ang alam ko lang, mula noon hanggang ngayon, kahit pa anong pilit kong kalimutan siya, it just never happened. I could never forget someone like her. Like Jennie. The only woman who made my heart flutter ridiculously. It’s the fact that no matter what I do, no matter where I go,  I always end up getting pulled by the gravity that Jennie is.  Kaya nga nandito ako, doing what I should’ve done four years ago. Loving her without restrictions, without holding back, showing her that she trust me with her heart. That I will never hurt her intentionally and that I will never leave.

Buong gabi kaming magkasama ni Jennie. Like magnets who can’t stay away from each other. She let me hold her hand, she let me feel the softness of her hand on mind, she let me stay close to her without a fuss. I knew nag-hehesitate naman talaga siya before to give me a chance, to prove myself to her. Hindi ko naman din kasi siya masisisi. Kahit sino naman siguro, if you try to put yourself in her shoes, mag dodoubt din naman kayo. Especially sa mga nangyari in the past.

Jennie went through hell and back because of me. Baka nga she’s been through worse pa because of me and my selfishness. Because I couldn’t handle the situation we we’re in before. Kasi I’ve deprived my emotions too much when I was with her and before she and I became a thing. Kasi I hid so many emotions kaya when she and I happened, All those feels poured out like crazy.  Kaya when I found out she kept a secret from me, and that she was dating her ex again to protect her secret, it broke me so bad and I realized, the first mistake I made was when I kept all those feelings to myself. I should have been honest from the very beginning.

Sabi nga nila diba, you won’t really know something, or you won’t really get an answer to your question, if you remained silent. If you end up, bottling those emotions, one day, you’ll explode and you’ll have no control over it. That’s exactly what happened to me. I feel like what happened between us, broke me so bad to a point, I’ve lost so much of myself in the process. I did stupid things such as date my friends girlfriend cause I thought, my happiness mattered more and everyone else can go ahead themselves.  I’ve hurt people in my life and I can’t take it back anymore.

Nangyari na eh. All I can so is save what I can from what I did. From the pain that I caused and the forgiveness, I couldn’t give to Jennie back then. Kasi at that time, I can finally admit I only had myself to think of. It was selfish. I forgot na hindi lang naman talaga ako yung may pinag dadaanan but still, hinayaan kong mangyari ang lahat. Hinayaan ko siyang masaktan because of me, because I want to forget her badle kahit naman it was so unecessary. Yung naiisip mo ngayon na dapat nagawa mo noon only gives you so much regret kasi baka siguro hindi na umabot pa sa ganito. 

Pero, sa kabilang banda, baka din kasi necessary. Would Jennie be the Jennie that she is now, if things didn’t happen? Would I be the Lisa that I am now? What about Seulgi and Joohyun? They grew up as well. More noticeably si Seulgi. I know, kahit naman okay na kami ngayon, things would never be the same between us. There will always be that wall between us na wala naman before. But that wall remains transparent. Allowing me to see how we/us were all open to changes. I wouldn’t really ask for more. I found my peace, and hopefully, they found theirs too.

When the party ended, I shamelessly asked Jennie if we can still hangout. I was trying to spend as much time with her kasi bago siya bumalik ng Korea. I really don’t know kung anong mangyayari samin kapag umalis na kasi siya. Do we continue talk