Chapter 50

You’re okay Jen, you can do this. It will be over before you know it.—

Today, was the first time I felt that maybe, kaya ko ng mag move on. Maybe, I can really be on my own and it won’t be that bad because I was able to made it to graduation today. I barely did after lahat ng nangyari for the past seven months.

I went home 2 days before graduation. I was prepared na sa mga mangyayari sa bahay. I was even prepared na baka may sabihin nanaman si Dad sakin. But to my surprise, my dad hugged me for the first time in months since I came out. I knew it was difficult for him to accept that his only daughter is a gay woman. It’s hard to accept the things that you’re not accustomed to. Especially para kay Dad. He came from a very strict traditional family.

It was not surprising that he became a homophobe. He was probably taught that gay people are an abomination. But what happens nga naman, if it’s his own daughter we’re talking about? That did not sit well at all sakanya.

I was prepared to be disowned kahit masakit. Malalaman at malalaman din naman nila because I don’t see myself dating a guy anymore when I realized na babae talaga ang gusto ko. Maybe it’s not even that. Maybe I don’t see myself dating anyone else other than Lisa. I wasn’t in the slightest attracted to anyone. Maliban sakanya.

My dad cried. Never in my life have I seen him cry sa harap ko. Sa harap naming ni Mom. He’s not the type to show his vulnerable side. He said he was afraid of the judgement I’ll face if I choose this type of life. I told him I can handle it. I know naman may mga times na things won’t be okay, na things won’t always be good pero that’s life.

What’s the purpose of living if we limit ourselves away from possibilities? What’s the purpose of living if ikukulong lang naman natin ang sarili natin in our own misery? I know I’ll be okay. I have to move forward or else, I’ll just lose what’s left of my sanity.

I know what I said. I’d wait five years for her. Maybe I still will. But I won’t stay and watch her be happy with someone else habang ako, nagpapaka miserable. Totoo talaga siguro na hindi sa lahat ng oras, nakukuha mo ang gusto mo.

Fate won’t always agree with what you think you need. Because maybe something better out there is waiting for you. Or maybe, it’s as simple as finding yourself first before anything else.

Napag isip-isip ko, baka yun na nga yun. Lisa and I have been friends for nine long years. We did so many things together that we both enjoyed. Pero naisip ko, ano nga ba talaga ang gusto ko? What do I want that doesn’t have anything to do with Lisa? Because everything seem to be related sakanya. At least the things that I did before.

Then I realized, I don’t know what I want. But that didn’t make me feel sad. I felt relieved to know na hindi ko pala talaga alam ang gusto ko. Because I never really thought about it until now. Maybe naisip ko na dati, but I didn’t dwell on it too much until now.

Baka dahil pagod nadin akong umiyak because I don’t understand so many things. But maybe it was necessary that I went through all of that. If I didn’t, I don’t think I’ll realize things. Lisa will always remain important to me. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving her sa totoo lang. But like her, gusto ko ring mahalin ang sarili ko.

Gusto ko makarating sa point where I can say that I’m finally happy and that I did it all on my own. That it’s okay to be me. I’m working on it. Trust me. That’s why I’ve decided to do some soul searching after graduation. I’ll travel to places and see the world. See what’s out there. After all, I think I deserve a break from a