Chapter 36

Veranda, Cognac, Sinful kiss, warm lips and a mistake.—Those are the things na nagpapaalala sakin kay Joohyun these days. Our newly developed friendship came crashing down after mangyari ang hindi dapat. We avoided each other like a disease. The hangouts stopped, but she would still update me sa mga nangyayari sa friends natin. Thru text.

The only time she talked to me na kaming dalawa lang is when she walked with me palabas ng turtles. I don’t understand it. Hindi naman niya ko kailangan samahan palabas but she did just to tell me na wag paasahin si Tzuyu. Why? It wasn’t her business anymore. Magkamali man ako, it doesn’t concern her. Maybe she’s trying. Maybe she’s trying to be friendly lang naman din, put the past between us, and kalimutan nalang ang lahat.

Pero it seem hypocritical of her to tell me na wag kong entertainin si Tzuyu when she very much entertained the idea of kissing me and it happened. Sana panaginip lang pero hindi. You kissed me, and I kissed you back. Ang masama pa don, it wasn’t a simple kiss. It was hungry and passionate. Hindi ko maintindihan how we got to that point.  Pero if it lasted longer, baka mas lumala pa ang naging kasalanan nating dalawa.

I was pretty sure it would involve the two of us without any clothes on. The thing is, it took me great effort to pull away from that kiss. Her lips were too inviting, too sweet, too tender to pull away from and when I finally did, parang pareho kaming sinabuyan ng malamig na tubig. She immediately took her bag and told me she needed to go. I didn’t stop her. I needed to process.

Hanggang ngayon, andito na kami sa point na pareho na ulit kaming nakabalik sa school, It didn’t feel right to still avoid my friends, ginawa ko yun for three months trying to mend my broken heart, hindi naman din nakatulong and things got a lot harder. I never got over Jennie, Joohyun and I kissed, Tzuyu is back in my life and Seulgi… Hindi ko talaga alam kung pano pa ko makakatingin sakanya without remembering what happened between me and her girlfriend.

Seulgi and I are good friends, really good friends, she’s the second best pag dating sa friendship. Everyone knows Jennie is my bestfriend pero si Seulgi, siya yung wing-woman type. Susuportahan ka sa lahat ng pinag gagagawa mo, gago, kwela, patawa pero maaasahan. Kaya nga rin hindi ako makapag pakita sakaniya.

Oo, ang reason ko naman talaga before kaya hindi ako nagpapakita sakanila kasi ayaw kong kaawaan ako. I don’t want pity and Joohyun didn’t pity me. Puro advise lang ang binigay niya sakin, we unexpectedly clicked. Marami kaming similar goals sa buhay. She saw my perspective and I did with hers. And after mangyari nung kiss, I didn’t think I could face Seulgi anymore.

Yung conscience, yung guilt, lahat na, naramdaman ko. I want to confess, I want to tell her na nagkamali ako pero I couldn’t. It’s bigger than that. If Seulgi finds out, malalaman din ni Jennie, malalaman ng friends namin. Ano nalang mangyayari? Magkaka sira-sira kami dahil sa putang inang kiss na yan na hindi naman talaga dapat nangyari.

These days, tamang tambay lang sa parking. Jennie and I would talk, awkward parin pero we’re both trying. Small talks lang and eventually, may mga same classes kami so nagkakasabay din kami since we’re both graduating. We never talked about us. Or tungkol sa parents niya. It was probably for the best. It was a touchy subject and baka mag cause lang ng drama ulit. 

And me, I couldn’t be bothered to think of anything else. Parang lahat nalang kasi ng ginagawa ko mali. Ayoko nalang ng kahit anong involvement when it comes to relationships and women. I busied myself with schoolworks. I was never alone with any of them. Not with Jennie, not with Tzuyu and most definitely not with Joohyun. Mukhang tanga lang tong mga nangyayari sakin.

Dati pinoproblema ko lang yung feelings ko okay Jennie, how to hide it and how to die a little inside everytime she dates a new guy, and then the truth was out, I met Tzuyu whom I’ve shared a level of comfort with. Almost dated but never happened, and then Jennie and I happened, she became my girlfriend, I planned my future with her, parang fairytale lang and then nagsimula yung problem niya to comeout to her parents because they’re homophobics, I was ready to wait patiently pero putangina dumating yung evil prince na si mino and ed everything up between us. She blackmailed Jennie into dating him again, I broke up with Jennie, my heart is broken, I am broken, Joohyun and I kissed, and now, I’m in neck deep . Can I die?

Maaga natapos ang class ko, I’ve decided pumunta ng bonjour para makabili ng coffee slushie. Dahil antok na antok ako today. Meron pa akong 4 hours na vacant bago ang next class, ito yung isa sa mga classes na hindi k