Seoul, South Korea – October 12, 2016

OH SEHUN

       In my life, I have only loved two girls—my mom and a girl who decided to crush my heart into pieces. Years passed and now, I’m slowly moving on from the dark side of my past and saw a bright present here in Seoul. I met new friends through Kai and I’m eternally greatful to have met Moon Gayoung and Lee Jiyeon. Those two added spice in my boring life, especially Jiyeon. She’s like a rainbow after the rain and her mere presence makes everything feels good. There’s something in her that makes everything better in this world. She’s a happy pill and I’m happy that Kai found someone like her. But at some point, I wished that I was the one who found her first. I know that it’s bad to wish something like that, especially if the girl is already taken by my best friend but you can’t possibly blame me for wanting something that is good for me. But no, I know my boundaries and I’m not risking my lifetime friendship with Kai just because of Jiyeon—I know better. However, with what’s happening right now between Kai and Jiyeon is something I hate to see. I really hate seeing Jiyeon hurt—that’s how important she is to me right now. In such a short amount of time, Jiyeon crept in my heart and stayed there permanently—she’s someone who’s worth protecting at all cost and right now, I just want to take the pain that Kai is causing her. That’s why I’m trying to help her cope up with her feelings and I’m helping her ease the pain. I’m walking her home today since Kai is missing in action. I guess he will be surprised once he sees us together but I guess I’m wrong—he’s the one who surprised me right now.

      “Sehun,” she called and hearing her melodic voice again just makes my heart skip its beat.

      “Joohyun,” I whispered, feeling my breath leave me.

      I don’t know how to feel right now. Should I be happy? Or sad to be seeing her here?

      “Sehun, do you know her?” I heard Jiyeon asked but I was too lost in my thoughts to even respond.

      I stared at Joohyun as she stared back at me and I just couldn’t help but to feel the pain that I was trying to mask ever since she left me. I don’t know why she came back but one thing is sure, I hate her for coming back.

      “Kai,” I called my best friend who just betrayed me, “I think you should be the one to accompany Jiyeon home.” I muttered.

      My heart and brain is in frenzy right now but I still want to make sure that Jiyeon will arrive home safe and sound. I need to settle everything right now and she doesn’t need to hear my dark past. As for Kai, I will deal with him later. Right now, I should probably focus on this girl in front of me.

      “I-i…” Kai stuttered, “Yeah, of course.” He exclaimed as he went to Jiyeon and grabbed her hand, “I better get going Joohyun. See you tomorrow,” he bid goodbye as they left us alone.

      When the two were out of sight, Joohyun finally smiled at me but I didn’t smile back. I don’t know how to start a conversation with her that’s why I decided not to start anything at all. I turned my back away from her and started walking away but she called me.

      “Hun-ah!” she shouted and I stopped on my tracks, hearing the same nickname she called me when we were still young, “I-I’m sorry,” she apologized and then I hear her footsteps and by now, I know that she’s behind me, “I’m really sorry.” She whispered as she held my hand. And right there, I felt the same sparks that I felt when I was still in love with her. I turned to her but I was shocked when she hugged me tight. “I left but I seriously regret it.” She sighed, “Please Sehun,” she pleaded.

      I stared at her and I was so tempted to hug her back but I never did, but instead, I did the opposite. I break away from the hug and stared at Joohyun, like stared at her—memorizing her features again.

      “I don’t know why you came back Joohyun but it was better when you’re not here.” I exclaimed and I saw the pain flickered in her orbs. It hurts me to be a jerk towards her but you can’t blame me. I’m broken right now and it’s because of her, “Go back to New York and stop chasing me.” I muttered and left.

      And now, she didn’t follow me anymore but at the back of my head, I wish she did. I wish she ran after me and hugged me, maybe I weould’ve let my guard down and accept her again. I wish she would tell me that she loves me but she still hasn’t changed—she still keeps her pride up. I don’t know where my feet take me but I just found myself in front of the club that I usually go to. I went inside and the loud music and blinding lights welcomed me. The bouncer almost stopped since I’m still wearing my uniform but when he recognized me, he quickly let me in. I sat on the bar stool and the bartender smiled at me.

      “Mr. Oh, should I get you your usual drinks?” he asked and I just nodded.

      I didn’t want to talk today. I just want to drown my thoughts with alcohol but just being here quickly rushed unwanted memories to play at the back of my head.

Seoul, South Korea – July 2, 2015

      It has been a year and a half already since my family and I left South Korea and moved to Japan. It was hard to adjust especially that my friends are back in South Korea but the worst part was to have a long distance relationship with my girlfriend. Bae Joohyun is in South Korea and we have been together for two years already and we have managed to be apart for a year and still have a great relationship with each other. I’m actually static right now because she flew all the way from South Korea just to see me in our second year anniversary. We decided to celebrate our anniversary in Tokyo Tower so I’m right here, waiting for her. I was so happy and I tried to wait for her but the sad thing is, she never came. I called her numerous times but she didn’t answer. I was growing worried but I was still defeated at the end of the day. I went home and when I did, I saw her there—waiting for me. All the wariness and sadness left my heart as soon as I saw her but she quickly gave it back to me when she told me words I didn’t expect to hear.

      “Let’s break up,” she muttered as soon as she saw me.

      I laughed. I know, I am mental but if you were in my place, you would try to make it sound like a joke. However, it wasn’t funny—it hurt me to the core.

      “W-what are you talking about Joo?” I asked as I tried to hold her hand but she pulled away from me and it broke my heart.

      “I said let’s break up,” she whispered as tears started to flow from her eyes, “I’m sorry but I can’t continue this anymore.”

      Her reasons were something that I can’t understand.

      “Why?” I asked, “I-is it because of our long distance relationship?” I added and she didn’t respond and in her silence, I found the answer, “Joo,” I called as I held her hand and now, she didn’t pull away, “I love you and if you’re tired of this relationship, you can always rest and I’ll be the one to carry everything for you.” I exclaimed as tears started to fall from my eyes. “But please… let’s not think of breaking up as an answer to this problem.” I told her, “I can go back to Seoul with you. I will leave my family for you just please…” I pleaded but she just stared at me and wiped her tears away.

      “I’m leaving Seoul too.” She exclaimed.

      I was strucked—dumbfounded even. What the hell is she talking about?

      “W-what do you mean?” I asked.

      “I want to chase my dreams, Sehun.” She muttered as she looked into my eyes as she cupped my cheeks, “I want to chase my dreams as a ballerina and I will not be able to do it if I’m there in Seoul.” She exclaimed, “I got accepted in Juilliards.”

      Joohyun’s lifetime dream is to be a professional ballerina just like her mother and I know that I should be happy for her but right now, I just can’t.

      “T-that’s great,” I exclaimed, trying hard to sound happy, “That’s great news!” I exclaimed, “I-I will wait for you to come back—“ she quickly stopped me and cut me off, “No,” she exclaimed.

      She removed her hands away from my face and looked down.

      “Don’t wait for me,” she whispered, “I just want to break up, Sehun.” She muttered, “I want to focus on my dance and I can’t do that if I’m still with you.” I saw how her tears touched the Earth’s surface as she cried, “I’m sorry but please, set me free.”

      “Sehun,” I was snapped out of my trance when someone called me. I looked to my side and saw Chanyeol smiling towards me, “What are you doing here all alone, my friend?” he asked but then, he realized that I wasn’t in the mood to joke around. “Whoa, what’s up with the aura?” he asked.

      “Joohyun,” I exclaimed, saying her name, “She’s back in Seoul.” I muttered.

      “J-joohyun?” he asked, surprised, “You mean Bae Joohyun? Ms. Juilliard?!” he asked, confirming his thoughts and I nodded, “That’s hard man!” he exclaimed, “Have you seen her?”

      “She’s with Kai.” I exclaimed.

      “Kai?” Chanyeol asked, “What do you mean?”

      “I saw them together a moment ago and she said sorry to me.” I exclaimed.

      “W-what did you say?” he asked me, probably expecting me to welcome her back open arms.

      “I didn’t accept her apology and told her to go back to New York.” I muttered and I saw how shocked Chanyeol was.

      “Y-you did?” he asked.

      Chanyeol and Kai knew how broken I was when Joohyun left me. She’s also the reason why I never get in a serious relationship anymore. I’m traumatized that girls might leave me again.

      “I don’t want to get hurt ever again.” I exclaimed as I drank my drink in one shot.

      “Did she tell you why she went back?” he asked but I kept quiet.

      As much as I wanted to know why she came back here and left her dreams in New York, I just can’t ask her. The last thing I heard from her is when her third recital was a success but after that, I decided to shut myself from her. I didn’t want to be a masochist and watch her from afar. I know that it’s for her dreams, I understand that but she didn’t have to break up with me. I am willing to wait, no matter how long, as long as we end up in each other’s arms.

Colossians 3:13 - Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.