Seoul, South Korea – October 3, 2016

KIM JONGIN | KAI

      It has been ing days since all these drama started and I’m barely keeping on with everything. I started becoming my old self—the Kai who doesn’t give a about his grades, the Kai who basically hates the world… the Kai before I met the two amazing woman in my life, Sooyeon and Ayaka. I started to become grumpy again that my mom was getting worried, she was thinking that it had to do with Ayaka and she’s basically right. I’m losing my mind bit by bit everyday. And last night, my last strand almost snapped when I saw Ayaka unconscious, in the arms of hyung. I grew worried and I immediately went downstairs but I was too late since they already left. Only God knows how worried sick I was when I saw Ayaka in that state. I didn’t even have the strength to go back home but instead, I went on the front porch of Ayaka’s home and waited for them. I badly want to go to where they went but I don’t basically know the place so I decided to just wait and torture myself under the moonlight. After some time, hyung’s car parked outside the house and hyung was the only one back. I quickly ran to him and looked at him with worry in my eyes.

      “Hyung, what happened to Ayaka?” I asked.

      “U-ugh…” he stuttered as he started fidgeting, “Tell me Kai, are you guys okay with each other?” he asked me and I couldn’t answer any longer. Hyung just sighed and pat my shoulders to comfort me, “Jiyeon’s fine now but please, whatever it is that’s going between you and her… you guys should fix it.” He told me as he left me in front of their porch.

      I stared at Ayaka’s back as she left me there, standing—leaving together with Myungsoo. I wanted to talk to her longer… ask her if she’s doing fine. I want to go with her at the cafeteria to make sure that she’s eating healthy foods. I want to protect her… but now, I just can’t do that and I’m stuck with watching her from afar and that just .

Seoul, South Korea – October 4, 2016

      I went to school alone today as usual since Ayaka and I doesn’t go to school together anymore. And I kind of noticed that Sehun, Chanyeol and Ayaka were missing when lunch came so I decided to eat alone. I couldn’t eat with Gayoung since she was busy with her school-officer stuffs. I wanted to ask Myungsoo where Ayaka is but I know for sure that we will just have a heated argument. I don’t know why they’re suddenly missing in action but screw them for leaving me. After I finished eating, I decided to go back to the classroom and as I was walking on the hallway, someone called up my name.

      “Kai!” I looked back and saw Sooyeon running towards me. As soon as she arrived inn my place, she quickly slid her arms around my arms, linking it, “Do you know what day today is?” she asked.

      “N-no,” I answered, surprised.

      I mean, I wasn’t expecting her to be this close to me now especially after what I did to her at the hallway.

      “It’s our monthsary!” she exclaimed happily.

      Monthsary? What is she saying? I mean… We’re not together anymore and yet, she’s still mentioning these things.

      “R-really?” I asked, it was the only thing that I managed to say.

      “So…” she trailed, “I actually wanted to celebrate it.” She beamed.

      I was dumbfounded. I mean, what is she going on about?! We’re done already and last time I checked, she was the one who broke up with me and now, she wants to celebrate our monthsary?!

      “What?!” I asked, surprised.

      “Come on,” she smiled as she dragged me.

      I didn’t have any choice but to get dragged to where Sooyeon dragged me. But I was shocked when we arrived at the auditorium and the stage was well… over decorated. There were balloons all over the place and a banner was hung up saying, ‘HAPPY MONTHSARY LOVE ♥’. I was shocked—astounded even. I mean, what are we doing here again? My eyebrows wrinkled as I looked around the auditorium and found Sehun sitting on the side, behind the drums together with Chanyeol who was holding a microphone but what surprised me the most was to see Ayaka behind the keys of the ivories. I was lost in my trance—still surprised to see Ayaka here but then I was snapped out of it when Sooyeon came into view and smiled at me.

       “I missed you like this,” she whispered as she held my hand and put it on her waist.

      ‘Can you hear my heart’ by Epik High and Lee Hi started playing. It was Ayaka who started the song and I couldn’t help but to stand in awe in her angelic voice but I can’t seem to appreciate it while dancing with someone I do not love already. I was daydreaming… daydreaming about Ayaka in my arms… holding her hands till forever and I just want us to dance till our feet ache.

      “I love you Kai, let’s be together again.” I heard Sooyeon whispered, snapping me out of my reverie, bringing me back to reality.

      And before we could even reach the chorus, I looked into Sooyeon’s eyes and I saw how desperate she wanted me but when I looked at her… it wasn’t her that I saw—it was Ayaka. And right there, I knew what I needed to do.

      I stopped swaying and stared at Sooyeon in the eyes, “Soo,” I called, “I’m sorry.” I finished and held her hands. “Last time in the playground,” I trailed as I eye the tears that was coming from her eyes, “You asked me not to be confused and… I was,” I muttered. Sooyeon just stared at me, crying but I know that I needed to do this. “I thought I still love you… I-I was confused Soo.” I exclaimed, my voice breaking, remembering all the pain that I needed to go through just to move on from her and to finally realize that she’s not the one that I love anymore, “My head keeps telling me that you’re the one that I need—the one that I love but I guess… my heart had already forgot about you.” I exclaimed as I finally let go of her hands, “Because there is someone,” I exclaimed as I took a glance towards Ayaka’s side who was completely baffled and surprised with what I was doing, “…someone who made me feel new—who made me feel loved and soon enough, I did fall in love with her.” I told her as I trained my eyes back to her. Sooyeon was a mess right now, she was crying and sobbing so hard as she heard me, “You were there when I was at my best and I’m thankful for everything. You were my light that brought me happiness but you’re also the one who gave me great darkness that I thought I would never overcome.” I shook my head as I felt myself healing. Do you know that feeling? Pouring out all of your bottled emotions that you have been keeping for so long? That is what I’m doing right now and I feel great and light. “You left Soo,” I exclaimed, “You’re the last person I thought that would leave me but I was wrong. You left me too just like other people… and you hurted me.” I finally smiled, feeling free after springing up from the bitterness and pain in my life. I slowly wiped away her tears and hugged her tight one last time, “I’m sorry Soo,” I apologized again, “I’m not confused anymore.” I ended.

      When we broke up last time, it was horrible. We ended in bad terms but now, I want to be a man and end things in good terms. When she broke up with me, all I wanted was one last hug or even a reason behind the break up but I didn’t get any of those so now, I wanted to give her the things that she failed to give me. I want her to feel my sincerity and the warmth that she needs right now.

      After hugging her, I smiled and looked down, “You’re my first love Soo,” I exclaimed, “But… we need to go.” I muttered, “We’re not forever Soo and I’m sorry.” I told her as I finally left the auditorium.

      But before I could leave, I spared one last glance towards Ayaka and I saw how astounded she was.

      “I’m not confused anymore Ayaka… because I know in my heart that you’re the one that I love.” These were the things that I wanted to tell her but I just decided to leave first.

      And as soon as I left the place, I heard Sooyeon’s loud cries. I badly wanted to comfort her but I don’t want to go against my words and confuse her. That would be the last thing that I would want to happen right now. I started walking on my way back to my classroom but I didn’t know that Chanyeol actually ran after me.

      “Kai!” he shouted. I looked back and saw how surprised he was too. Well, he’s one of the people who knows how much I love Sooyeon and taking her down like this just seems so dumb. “Kai, what are you doing?! Are you crazy?!” he asked, baffled.

      “What?” I asked.

      “Are you being dumb or what?” he asked me.

      I shook my head and placed both of my hands on his shoulders and eyed him, “Look Yeol, we broke up already and there’s nothing wrong with what I did.” I exclaimed.

      Chanyeol was speechless and he just shook hhis head, “But I thought you love her?” he asked me, “I saw how hurt you were when she left you but why…” he sighed, not being able to finish what he was about to say anymore.

      “I LOVED her,” I exclaimed, stressing out the word ‘loved’—past tense, “She left me, hurted me and just like you said, you saw how hurt I was after our break-up. Nightmares hunted me down to my bones or sometimes I would have sleepless nights because I was thinking about her.” I muttered, “I suffered enough Yeol.” I exclaimed. “I don’t want to do the same mistake again. I mean, go back to her?” I asked, “,” I cursed feeling irritated all of a sudden, “I don’t want to feel the pain again, Yeol.” I muttered, “She shot me once and I’m not going to give her the gun again and let her pull the trigger once more.” I exclaimed as I lowered down my head, “I don’t think I’ll be able to bear the pain anymore.”

      “B-but…” he exclaimed but I quickly stopped him.

      “Yeol, I’m not in love with her anymore.” I exclaimed, “I’m in love with someone else and that’s Ayaka… she’s the one holding my heart now.” I told him and finally walked away, not wanting to talk about it anymore.

      After that, I decided to cut my classes since I’m not in the mood to be answering people’s bull questions about my choices. I decided to just chill at the convenience store first and ate some ramen since I’m craving for it right now. They say that when you’re upset, just eat and you’ll be fine again so that’s what I’m actually doing. After eating, I finally felt a little bit better and so, I decided to go home. But on my way home, I passed by a small playground just near our neighborhood and saw a familiar person sitting on the swing.

      A smile quickly planted on my face and I immediately went close to her, “You’re cutting classes too?” I asked as I noticed that she was still wearing her school uniform and it’s too early for dismissal.

      “Babo…” [Fool.] Ayaka exclaimed as she met my eyes and I was shocked when I saw her tearstained cheeks. Did she cry?!

      But what more shocked me was when she stood up and hit my chest.

      “Yah! What was that for?!” I asked surprisedly.

      “You little dimwit!” she shouted, her nose flaring. She looks like a cute reindeer and I couldn’t help but to laugh at her face right now, she’s just too cute, “And you’re laughing?! Huh?!” she asked as she hit me again.  

      “Yah! What is your problem, woman?!” I asked.

      “Why did you left Sooyeon?!” she shouted, “Why did you choose to let her go?! She’s coming back to you now! That’s what you want right?!” she asked as she continuously hits my chest.

      I don’t really understand this little reindeer in front of me but I should say, I miss her cute face and antics like this.

      “Why are you crying?” I asked as I held her arms to stop her from hitting because boy, does it hurt.

      “I sacrificed for your happiness just for you to go back to Sooyeon but this?!” she asked angrily.

      To be honest, I have never seen this side of Ayaka before. I thought that she never gets angry but here she is now with her red ears and nose, flaring because of anger—but what did she say?

      “W-what?” I asked.

      “I avoided you for days… I tortured myself to not see you because I am in love with you already!” she shouted and right there, my world stopped and all I could hear was her constant rantings that sounded melodies in my ears.

      “W-what?” I asked again, merely a whisper.

      But instead of answering me, she continued her rant, “I’m already in love but I know very well that I’m not what you need!” she exclaimed, “I sacrificed my happiness just so you could get yours but—“

      I quickly stopped her and did that one thing that I was longing to do ever since I figured out that I fell in love with her…

      I kissed her.

Author's message ♥

Oh my goooooosh! I'm like literally squealing right now!! You guys don't know how much my hand was itching to write this update because finally, the ship is sailing! LIKE WTF, THEY KISSED! Well, it wasn't their first kiss per se, since Ayaka already kissed Kai in the lips once but he was unconscious but right now is the freaking time to kiss and make-up! Also, I have read your comments guys and I was literally happy and laughing at your reactions HAHA. Some of you are frustrated with the both of them, others are angry. Well you know guys, I have been in this kind of situations too and I'm just writing based on my experience. And I have been foolish and stupid once, as well as the guys that I have liked and loved and these things really happen in real life. And based on experience, it was my foolishness that led me to great happiness in life. It was my foolishness and stupidness that I met great people who inspired me--and also those who have hurt me, so yeah. We should all wait and let the scenes unravel! Good things are coming so please stay updated!

If you guys liked my update, please do subscribe and upvote. Also, leave your thoughts on the comments section because I love reading those! It motivates me and makes me a better author! So yeah!

Sending lots of love, Jihyun ♣

Luke 17:4 - And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, 'I repent,' forgive him.