Seoul, South Korea – October 4, 2016

LEE JIYEON | AYAKA

      I didn’t want to go to school today. I don’t know, I guess, I just can’t face the reality that Kai and Sooyeon are finally getting back together. I wanted to just lie on my bed, sleep and just forget about everything but I guess, life is never easy. I remembered that we actually have a quiz in Mathematics and I certainly can’t miss that so I don’t have any choice but to go to school. So I did, I spent my day with Gayoung until lunch since she needed to go to her responsibilities while I die on the other hand. Sooyeon actually walked up to me and asked me to play for her and Kai. I arrived at the auditorium and found Chanyeol and Sehun there and as I have known, they’re into these too. I couldn’t help but to think about my crushed heart and my dying relationship with Kai and when he finally arrived in the auditorium, I couldn’t hold back the tears that fell into my eyes but I was quick enough to wipe it with the back of my hand. I played ‘Can you hear my heart’ on the ivories and sang the song with all my heart. I was beyond sad—I was heartbroken and I was expecting that after this day, Kai and Sooyeon will finally have their ‘happily ever after’ but life has given me another surprise.

      “Soo,” Kai called, “I’m sorry.”

      Those two words were like some command that made us stop what we were doing. The song stopped, as I stopped playing the piano and now, all we can hear were the words that were coming out from Kai’s mouth. Everyone was surprised with everything that Kai was saying. And I was there, astounded. I didn’t know what to do or how to react but I was certainly surprised. Kai loves Sooyeon so much and I just can’t believe that he is declining Sooyeon right now. I mean, isn’t this what he wants? The last I remember, he would do anything to get back with Sooyeon but hell, he’s blowing up his chance now!

       “Last time in the playground,” Kai trailed as he stared into Sooyeon’s eyes which were now watered with tears, “You asked me not to be confused and… I was,” he muttered. Sooyeon just stared at him, crying, “I thought I still love you… I-I was confused Soo.” he exclaimed, his voice breaking, and I can see some emotions that I can’t seem to decipher. But I was shocked with what he said, ‘I thought I still love you’—what does he mean by that? Doesn’t he love Sooyeon anymore? “My head keeps telling me that you’re the one that I need—the one that I love but I guess… my heart had already forgot about you.” he exclaimed as he let go of her hands, “Because there is someone,” he added as his eyes found mine. My breath hitched and I almost forgot how to breathe because I just miss those looks in his eyes and when our eyes met, I just longed for him. “…someone who made me feel new—who made me feel loved and soon enough, I did fall in love with her.” He exclaimed and I couldn’t help but to gasp. What the hell is he saying?! I have been with him for the past months and never did I saw him with any other girl and now he’s telling Sooyeon that he fell inlove with someone else?! What is he blabbering about?! “You were there when I was at my best and I’m thankful for everything. You were my light that brought me happiness but you’re also the one who gave me great darkness that I thought I would never overcome.” he shook his head before continuing, “You left Soo,” he exclaimed, “You’re the last person I thought that would leave me but I was wrong. You left me too just like other people… and you hurted me.” And then, he smiled. I was shocked, how can he smile at times like these?! But I was shocked to see those smiles in his face. I mean, it has been quiet awhile since I last saw his sincere smile. His eyes twinkled as if he really meant what he just said. He wiped away her tears and hugged her tight, “I’m sorry Soo,” he apologized again. “I’m not confused anymore.” he ended. He hugged Sooyeon which I expected but I didn’t see anything in his eyes as he did that. “You’re my first love Soo,” he said, “But we need to go. We’re not forever Soo and I’m sorry.” He told him as he finally left the auditorium.

      My heart was erratic and I don’t know what just happened. Everyone was baffled and astounded with what just happened but mostly, we felt sorry towards Sooyeon who was now crying so hard.

      “What the hell just happened?” I heard Sehun mumbled while Chanyeol decided to come and comfort Sooyeon.

      “Sooyeon,” he called, full of concern.

      I was also concerned with Sooyeon right now. I mean, I know that she’s not really my favorite person in the world but I know that she’s hurting so much to be dumped by someone she loves so much. She even stomped on her ego just so she could get back to the one that she loves.

      “Sooyeon, we’re sorry.” I exclaimed as I tried to approach her.

      “I’ll just talk to that jerk,” Chanyeol mumbled as he ran after his bestfriend while Sehun, Sooyeon and I were left at the auditorium.

      “Sooyeon,” I called again but I was shocked when she lashed at me.

      “Don’t ing call me!” she shouted and was about to leave but I understand why she’s so angry right now and I know that she needs someone to talk to.

      “Sooyeon, don’t worry I’ll—“ I wasn’t able to finish what I’m about to say when she started shouting at me, “Shut the up!” she shouted, “You’re the reason why this is happening!” she exclaimed as she pointed at me, “You’re the one who ruined it all! You ing stole Kai away from me!” she shouted which surprised me. What did she say? Stole Kai away from her? I never did anything like that! I don’t see any reason for her to point fingers at me right now, “And them?!” she asked as she pointed Sehun and to where Chanyeol had disappeared, “Go! Steal them away from me too! That’s what you want right?!” she asked, crying. I kind of felt sorry for her right now but she’s acting like a real . I don’t even understand why she hates on me, “You want to steal every ing thing away from me.” She shouted, frustrated.

      But I decided to understand her especially now that she’s hurting so I tried to call her again, “Sooyeon,” but I was shocked when she pushed me, causing me to fall on the floor.

      “Jiyeon!” Sehun exclaimed as she ran towards me, helping me to stand up.

      “From now on, I swear to you… I will make your life a living hell!” she shouted as her tears fell down from her eyes.

      She walked away, leaving Sehun and me alone at the auditorium.

      “Hey, are you okay?” Sehun asked and I just nodded. He sighed as he shook his head, “I don’t really know what has gotten into Kai’s mind to dump Sooyeon.” He muttered.

      “Sehun, I need to go,” I exclaimed as I left Sehun there.

      I didn’t know where to go but suddenly, I found myself walking outside the school. I guess I don’t have any strength to attend my other classes anymore. Good thing Mathematics is already finished and I don’t have to mind that anymore. I went home and as I was walking on the neighborhood, I found a small playground just around the street before our house. I decided not to go home yet, oppa might ask me why I went hom early than usual so I decided to just sit on the swing. And when I did, I couldn’t help but to let out all the tears that I have been holding. It felt like some weight was lifted off from my shoulders. All the pain that I have felt these past few days seemed to heal just because Kai and Sooyeon didn’t end up together. And somehow, that just sounded so wrong. I don’t want to be happy because of someone else’s misery. But right now, I just don’t understand Kai. What a dumb jerk he is!

      Minutes have passed as I continue to cry silently until someone caught my attention, “You’re cutting classes too?” someone asked.

      I looked up and was shocked to see Kai standing in front of me but instead of being happy, I muttered some words that surprised him.

      “Babo…” [Fool.] I exclaimed as I met his eyes.

      I quickly stood up and hit him in his chest. I’m just really enraged right now and I couldn’t help but to give him some piece of my mind.

      “Yah! What was that for?!” he asked surprisedly.

      “You little dimwit!” I shouted, my nose probably flaring. But I was shocked to found him laughing, “And you’re laughing?! Huh?!” I asked as I hit him again.                                                                        

      “Yah! What is your problem, woman?!” he asked.

      “Why did you left Sooyeon?!” I shouted. Seriously, I really don’t get why he did this because I know well enough how he loves Sooyeon so much. I know the pain that he felt when Sooyeon left her. I was there by his side when all of those s happened and I know that he would die just to go back to Sooyeon’s arms and now what?! He just dumped her! “Why did you choose to let her go?! She’s coming back to you now! That’s what you want right?!” I asked as I continuously hits his chest.

      “Why are you crying?” he asked as he held my arms from hitting him.

      “I sacrificed for your happiness just for you to go back to Sooyeon but this?!” I asked angrily.

      I don’t know what I was saying but the heck I care! I just want to know the reason why he’s doing this to himself!

      “W-what?” he asked.

      “I avoided you for days… I tortured myself to not see you because I am in love with you already!” I shouted, “I’m already in love but I know very well that I’m not what you need!” I exclaimed, not giving any thoughts to what I was saying. “I sacrificed my happiness just so you could get yours but—“

      I wasn’t able to finish what I was saying when I felt something against my lips. I was shocked—no, I was astounded. Did he just kiss me?! I was so surprised that I slapped his face hard but instead of getting angry with me, he actually smiled.

      “What the heck did you just do?!” I shouted as I held my lips.

      That was my first kiss—well, second.

      “You could have just said you love me instead of hitting me and speaking gibberish.” He muttered.

      W-what?

      “W-what are you saying?” I asked him, clueless.

      “Why don’t you say the ‘L’ word again?” he taunted and I just realized that I actually confessed to him while I was speaking nonsensely and right now, I just want to hit my mouth for being so talkative.

      “What? I said I hate you!” I exclaimed as I tried to leave him but he was quick to grab my arms and hold shoulders.

      “Say it again, A… please,” he pleaded, and now, he looked so serious. His mocking face was out of sight and he was just so serious, looking into my eyes—boring his soul into mine.

      “Say what?” I asked again as I avoided his gaze.

      I was seriously embarrassed and I don’t know why he wanted me to repeat my confession. Is he making fun of me?! Does he find this amusing? Because seriously, it took me almost month to actually admit that I like him and now, he’s making fun of me?!

      I was looking away when he suddenly pulled me into a hug that surprised me, “Please tell me you love me, again.” He whispered into my ears as he hugged me tight.

      My heart started beating so fast, I thought it was coming out of my ribcage. There were billions of butterflies inside my stomach and I felt nauseous because of the feeling that he was making me feel.

      I slowly removed his arms from me and looked away, “I’m scared,” it was the only thing that I managed to say.

      I don’t know if he feels the same way so I didn’t want to repeat my confession. I didn’t want to feel the pain of rejection.

      “Why would you be?” he asked, “I also love you, A.” he muttered gently.

      I don’t know if my ears are playing with me but I actually heard him say that he loves me too but I’m probably just fantasizing.

      “Kai…” I called.

      He held my hand as he smiled at me genuinely, “If you’re asking yourself if you heard me right, well, you heard me right.” He exclaimed, “I love you Ayaka Lee.” He told me that made my breath hitch, what the—“I can tell you that millions of time and not get tired of it.” He muttered as he cupped my face, “You don’t know how scared I am to tell you my feelings too.” He sighed as he rubs my cheeks, “Ayaka, if you’re afraid and I am too, then this relationship won’t get any start.” He told me.

      “Y-you love me?” I asked, “I-I thought… Sooyeon…” I stuttered, not being able to talk conherently.

      “I don’t love her anymore, okay?” he assured, “You,” he exclaimed as he cupped both of my cheeks, “You’re the one that I love. You’re the greatest light that came into my darkness.” He smiled. I couldn’t think straight anymore and my heart was in a frenzy! I was euphoric and I was trying hard to accept everything that Kai was telling me and I just want to believe him so bad. He looked into my eyes—boring in his soul, “I love you Ayaka, always.”

      I shook my head. I was still in denial with everything. I mean, this is just too fast! One day, we’re ignoring each other and the next, we’re confessing our love to one another!

      “I-I’m scared Kai, I can’t say this.” I muttered as I looked down and removed his hands away from my face but he was quick to put it back on my cheeks, feeling the warmth of his hands.

      “If you can’t, then I should.” He exclaimed as he looked at me seriously, “Let’s date Ayaka.” He told me that left me in shock, “No deals, no games—just us, you and me, together.” He said as he rubbed both of my cheeks which were now tear-stained. Well, what would you expect? I just can’t help but to have tears of joy! “I hate giving promises,” he sighed, “But I wan’t to have this—I want to have you so I promise… I promise not to leave you.” He smiled as another tear slid out from my eyes.

      “Kai, I’m too scared,” I whispered.

      He just smiled as he pulled me into a tight hug, “Don’t worry, I’ll do what I promised. Don’t be scared.”

      And somehow, his words soothed me and right there, I believed his words.

1 Corinthians 13:7-8 -  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.