published on 29/12/12

(Your POV)

After a few weeks , you've been working on a new album , mostly every week you would get a call from Taemin, or sometimes every other week. Of course you missed him , but now you actually realize it's a struggle to keep the relationship going. You felt as though sometimes he's just too tired, or its either you're too tired to talk.

Your bestfriend called you recently , pouring out all her emotions as her boyfriend broke up with her. That gave you an inspiration to write about a break up song. The song title was "With or without you". It was deep , sensitive and emotional. Something to relieve the pain of all the broken hearted ones around everywhere. You gave Joo-Unnie the song lyrics , with the composition. She was pretty impressed but then question why the sudden title and song type. But you told her it was all because of your bestfriend , and her problems. While writing the songs, there was one part which went ,

" It's because we kept our hearts distant from one another ,
  But if this is what you want , this is what you'll get . "

You suddenly felt as though , you and Taemin broke up. Not that it happened , but it just felt like it. Joo-Unnie talked to Mike and SM about it and they had a strong feeling this song would be a big hit.

Day by day , you kept talking to Taemin , he showed you around Japan with recording with his phone.He was nearby a beach. And you can see it in his eyes that he's tired. But he's trying all he can. You somehow felt , sad. And felt like you were the one troubling him.

And probably the one causing him all the stress and pain.

On top of that , you felt guilty . Maybe he was feeling the same way , but what were you really feeling ? 

Today's your 1 year anniversary , but of course , you can't meet each other because of your schedules. Seems like he was too busy to even realize it's your 1 year anniversary . You kept checking your phone ,  hoping for a call. You switched on your laptop and signed in your skype, hoping for a video call. But there was nothing. Just then your bestfriend came online on Skype. You called her on call , not video call. You plugged in your headphones and started to talk to her .

Your bestfriend : Hey ~
You : Are you feeling better ?
Your bestfriend : Feeling a lot better now , how's you and Taemin ?
You : I .. I don't know .
Your bestfriend : Why ? what happened ?
You : Day by day , we're missing each other. We're hundreds of miles apart. And now we finally realize how hard it is to keep a relationship going. I can't even explain the pain I feel knowing he .. today is our 1 year anniversary . 
Your bestfriend : He .. forgot ?
You : I guess he did .
Your bestfriend : Please , stay strong. I know I can't do anything  , or say anything right now. But whatever you choose to do , I'll support you. Even when the world is against you , I'll be there for you. 
You : And I can also feel , that Taemin , is getting tired .
Your bestfriend : Because of his trainings ?
You : Not only that ..
Your bestfriend : You don't mean ..
You : That's what I mean .
Your bestfriend : I'm not saying that he IS tired of you , but he can be. Like I told you , whatever you choose to do, do it with all your heart. I'll support you if you need me . Alright ?
You : Yeah .. thanks . I'm going to go now .
Your bestfriend : Don't hurt yourself , you hear ?
You : I hear you .

After that you shut down your laptop. 

After a few days, which Taemin forgot your 1 year anniversary , you called Minho .

You : Oppa ?
Minho : Hey ! W-what's wrong ? Do you want to talk to Taemin ?
You : A-ani ..
Minho : Then .. ?
You : I-I .. do you have time to talk ?
Minho : Like now ?
You : Yes ..
Minho : sure , I'm in my room now .
You : Alone ?
Minho : yes .. are you okay ?

Slowly tears filled your eyes , you didn't know what happened to the spark you and Taemin had, but maybe it was dying off. Every now and then when you two skyped , slowly the calls ended faster. From hours , to just one hour. From and hour to 30 minutes. To 30 minutes to just a few minutes .

The conversation couldn't continue randomly .

No one would even try to keep the conversation going . 

You kept trying , all the time. But the same thing he said every time the two of you had the chance to talk was "I'm tired". 

"I'm tired . " Well maybe it's time you were too .

You explained to Minho , everything. The duration of 12 months being here alone without him. It was so good at the beginning, but what's happening now? It was like a colorful place , a colorful wonderland . Slowly draining out and losing it's colors leaving it to be black and white. 

Minho : If you think it's the right thing to do .. then do it .
You : Do you think , he'll miss me ?
Minho : I sure hope he does.
You : Oppa .. 
Minho : Hmm ?
You : Thank you .

You released a new album , and the title of the album was With or Without You. The song that you wrote supposingly was for your bestfriend. Ever since that album was released , Taemin didn't talk to you much. No more calls everyday , just every week. No more good morning texts , none of that anymore. Everytime you'd try to start the conversation , it will always end with "I'm tired."

What was he feeling ? Because honestly , you were feeling pretty tired of listening to "i'm tired" . he's not the only one that's tired. What about you?

Your album and the song was a success . But what about the relationship ?

It's been , 1 year , and 2 months. you called Taemin on a skype call . Thinking , it's time . He accepted the call. He wasn't even smiling at all. He was just looking down at the keyboard .

You : I don't know if I can do this anymore .

His head shoot up and looked at you. 

Taemin : W-what .. what do you mean ?
You : This , us . You and me . What happened ?
Taemin : What do you mean what happened ? Aren't we doing just fine ?
You : We're doing fine ? JUST fine ? Are you listening to yourself ?
Taemin : W-what ?
You : Everyday , I miss you. I long to talk to you. But every time I try , the excuse I would hear , is I'm tired. I'm tired . And I'm tired. I don't even know what's going on between us now.

Tears start to fill your eyes as you tried to continue. He tried to speak but he couldn't bring himself to say anything .

You : You even forgot out 1 year anniversary .

He tried to say something but then you said "And I know why , You're tired. You're busy. You don't have time to spend time with me on our 1 year anniversary. You're caught up with all the schedules. I understand and I get it. "

You wiped away your tears and you said " Where was that boy , or that man that I loved ?"

He slowly looked down avoiding your eyes and tears streamed down your face .

"That boy that told me he loved me , the one that couldn't wait to see me the next day. The one that told me that he would try all he can to keep this going. Where is all of that now ?"

There was silence , no one dared to speak anything. Your eyes were puffed up and the pain you felt, was undescribable. If you had to describe it, it would've been , as though thousands of pins were poking through your heart. Over and over again without stopping. Constantly just pushing in pain through your heart. You looked at the webcam and slowly he looked up ,

"I don't want this , if I have to keep waiting everyday , just dreading to see you again when you probably don't want to see me. I don't want this, if the guy that I loved 1 year ago , isn't here anymore. I don't want this , if .. you're getting tired of this. getting tired of me ."

He didn't say anything , which made it more worse. 

" I guess this is it, Lee Taemin . We're done. I'm letting you go." you said and you ended the call. You shut down the laptop and cried to yourself. Tears streamed down your face and you were fighting for air. Crying so hard that you forgot to breathe. You pushed aside your laptop , and took your phone. You called Minho.

Minho : Hey ! 
You were sobbing through the phone ,and Minho could hear them .
Minho : What's going on ? What happened ? 
You : I-I d-did it .
Minho : You .. did it ?
You : Y-yes . 
Minho : Please .. stop crying !
You : I thought it was the right thing to do. Finally .. he can be happy now.. But why am I hurting so much ?
Minho : Because you still love him . regardless of what a jerk he's been all this while, he's still the guy you love.
You : Oppa .. 
Minho : Oh ?
You : I'm sorry . 
Minho : Sorry .. ?
You : Sorry that .. I'm causing you trouble like this, sorr-
Minho : Don't apologize , I'm always here for you . 

Weeks later , the news spread and everyone knew that you and Taemin were over. Fans on your twitter tried to cheer you up as much as possible. Which helped a lot. Of course , every now and then , once a month you talked to Taemin. As friends. Ever since the break up, a lot of variety shows wanted you to appear to clarify what happened. You rejected all of it. You couldn't bring yourself to clarify them yet .