Optional Bias – Siren

Do you ever ask yourself why you fall in love with people you know dear to heart you will never have a chance with?

Because I have.

I ask myself that same question every single time, and like always the answer is never unfitting. I don't have the answer or maybe I don't want to admit that I know the answer.

We become immune to this thing called unrequited love because having that is better than having nothing. We fall into this massive crush that quickly evolves into something more knowing at the back of our heads it's a fall out plan.

We believe it would work out in the end because movies and stories tell us so. We hold onto useless hopes thinking this unrequited love will turn into a real one. We believe because that is what we are fed.

I know because I believed it.

The sad truth is it never becomes real. It was never anything close to being real because the person I had stupidly fallen for doesn't even know I exist. I brought myself pain for being the silly and stupid girl I was thinking it would be like in those movies. The sad truth is the guy never notices the lonely, quiet, somewhat weird and not like all the other girls, kind of girl. He doesn't notice her because he is probably afraid of her. He doesn't need to notice her because she isn't the type he would go after.

And yet even when I knew that, I somehow had fallen in a shameful love for a guy who doesn't even know I exist. He will never look my way and he will never say my name. A simple "hello" won't even happen because this isn't a movie or a story.

This is reality.

The real world where the awkward, not so pretty, don't fit in, and doesn’t act like all the other girls, could never grab the attention of the hot stud everyone wants. It's nothing but a concept, a misconception to lure people like myself to believe in such a thing.

Unrequited love is such a funny love. It's ridiculous and funny how a person I never spoke a single word to was able to make my heart flutter in ways I never felt before. We never spoke, and yet the power he has to make me feel like I'm on Cloud 9 mysteriously scares me. I won't lie and say I don't enjoy it because I do. And that's what makes this all the more sad.

Seeing him makes me happy and his smile is capable of making my day brighter. Hearing the sound of his voice, how joyous it sounds, and the ringing glee of his laughter warms my heart. He makes me happy.

He makes me happy, and that kills me every time because he will never be mine. I will never be one of the reasons to plant that bright and beautiful smile on his face. I will never get him to look at me the way he does with all the other girls who matches him so well. Their visuals are a match made in heaven.

And that's when I start to ask myself if I should change a little, maybe to look a bit like her, to see if I could catch his attention. Maybe if I dressed like her, act like her, and show myself like her perhaps I could catch his attention for a mere second. Because all it takes is a delusional one second to deepen this one-sided love.

The hardest part is the constant searching, wondering, and fantasizing. A thousand scenarios would play in my head all of which are us as a couple. The scenarios fuel the feelings and soon I start to picture him as someone I would like to think he is. I start to think and rationalize that he is a kind person with a big and soft heart. I make him into a person I imagine him as, and that makes this unrequited love worse. I start to fall for this character I made up hoping that he is what I had imagined. And I start to fall for him more not knowing how his real personality really is like.

It eventually ends when he found himself a girl who is capable of being better than me at everything. I take note of how pretty she is, and my jealousy spews from within, but I can't find any reasonable reasons to hate her. She makes him happy; she makes him laugh, just like how I wished I could.

So to answer the question, I fall for people I have zero chances with because it feels nice to be able to feel a bit of what people who are in love feel like; even though it's remotely not the same as theirs. Being able to feel the way my heart flutters, and the tingly sensation of how happy I suddenly am because of his appearance. Although I know He and I will never be together, being able to experience that kind of excitement and joy even when in the end I would end up hurting myself, is better than not being able to experience it at all.

It hurts and I cry not because the one-sided love has ended, but because I knew from the start how it would end.

It never ends like how it does in the movies and stories. The girl never gets the guy, and the guy never notices the girl because that is how it is in the real world.

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an: i was feeling extremely in the mood to write something angsty, and watching an episode of Running Man with the theme 'one sided love' inspired this. I think we all can relate just a little bit to this. Enjoy :) -A