Youngjae - Because It's You (PT.2-Sequel)

I smile when I see you on TV. You really did do it, yoo youngjae. You really did it. I couldn't have been happier, I swear. I'm proud of you and I know you'll never hear that, believe that. You're a lot skinnier the last time I saw you. Five? Six years ago? Had it been that long already? Everything felt like it just happened yesterday.

The sudden goodbye and painful heartache drenched in tears. I really had hurt you didn't I? Would you call it even if I said the pain I put you through still roams inside of me like a dark black cloud that follows me wherever I go?

You're probably healed by now, moved on to prove to me of what I did wrong. I haven't moved on at all youngjae. I can't. I want to I really do but I still miss you and every night I dream of the days we used to hold hands, our life that was filled with laughter and joy.

I won't ever tell you why I left because if you knew the real reason you would leave everything - all that you worked so hard on, behind. I can't let you do that. This is your dream your life. I can't allow you to leave all of that; it’s too precious it's too much. I'm not worth all that you have now.

Every time I see your beautiful face on screen my heart does something that is out of my reach. It starts to beat really fast making me feel like I can't breathe, and then the pain; it stings like a pinch that keeps getting stronger and stronger, and soon I'm clenching to my chest gasping for air. It hurts from within and my stomach turns feeling uneasy and I feel my whole world spinning.


This.....it is not normal, isn't it? To feel such exhilarating pain. For whatever it may be, at least now I can still be human. After all, I have to be able to feel such emotions to still be consider a human right? At least that's what you said youngjae.

I can never reach for you and I can't ever let you see me. All the hate and rage built from within you were all caused by me and I'm sorry. I only wanted to see you succeed, to be who you are today, but if I had stayed and walked with you it would have never work.

I admit you liked me more than I liked you. Anyone who knew us knew you loved me more and I hate that I couldn't return back the same love half as much as you had given me. But I loved you enough to realize that if I was by your side you won't get to make your dreams come true.

You were so blindly in love with me and I really liked that. You always chose me over everything else, even your dream of being a singer was thrown away. I wanted to be selfish and have you all to myself. I wanted to be that girl that can brag to all her friends how amazing and how much her boyfriend loves her. I wanted to be that girl so bad but I couldn't.

You always supported me and encouraged me to dream and believe. While I was dreaming of my future and what I wanted to be, you only saw me and had made me your dream. You didn't understand that I wasn't your dream. I never was and I never will be. Your dream was to be a singer, to perform on all of the stages in Korea and in America.

I couldn't just let you throw away your hopes and dreams. I couldn't sit here and watch as you throw away everything to be with me.

Why would you do that youngjae? I have nothing to give and nothing to offer. I'm neither smart nor pretty. My family is a little corrupted and I have no planned destination.

Youngjae, you were the greatest thing that ever happened in my life. You were the first person who had loved me more than themselves. You were everything I always wanted and I knew I was lucky when I found you. I was scared when you looked at me like I was your future. You stopped singing, stopped attending your vocal training classes, and started talking about us and how our future will be like.
You don't know how badly I wanted that future you talked of to be real, to be true.


I saw you today. It wasn't in my intention to see you but I did. You were so close yet so far. I heard the tone of your voice and how happy you sounded. Your eyes looked tired but your smile was radiant. I had to force a smile to tell myself "It's alright. Take a deep breath and it'll go away."

It never goes away; the pain. It lingers and fluctuate appearing at the most crucial time. My chest felt tight and I couldn't breathe. I thought my heart was going to burst. It was stuffy and even though my hand was clenching desperately at the pain, I can feel it transmitting itself to every part of my body.

But still, you looked so happy smiling and laughing with people who shared the same dream as you. Your smile never left your face and you have successfully succeeded in living a wonderful life without me.

I don't know if you'll ever read this, or all the other journals I wrote but I love Yoo Youngjae. I have and always will love you. I'm so proud of you for living the dream you had before you met me. This, the beautiful, soulful singer and smart boy, was the yoo youngjae I fell in love with; the yoo youngjae everyone knew and loved.

I love you youngjae. You brought a shine of light into my life and I want to say thank you for the love you had given. I'm sorry I wasn't able to return the same amount of love back and only gave you pain.
If God asked me what sin did I commit, I would answer to him, "the biggest sin I have ever committed in my life was bringing pain and hatred to the person I love the most."

Because it's you, yoo youngjae I feel that even when everything around me feels like hell you were my heaven. If someone asked me if I was given the chance would I do it again, I would not hesitant to say yes, because it was for you, because it is you yoo youngjae.




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Youngjae read the last of the page closing it as his legs had given up on him. He fell to the ground lifeless and gone. In his hand was a journal a friend of his had given to him. His mind had lost all thoughts and he felt numb. He leaned himself against the cold surface of the wall bringing his legs to his front. He curled into a ball closing his eyes and in his other hand was a slip of paper and a picture.

His lips trembled and he hatefully grabbed his hair shaking his head as tears had taken his vision. He screamed a painful cry punching his fist into the wall. He brought the picture to his eyes, his knuckles were busted and scraped with blood. He didn't feel any pain from the damage he done to the wall. He stared at the picture with tears flowing down his cheek. He brushed his thumb across gagging an outcry that brought him to his knees. He hits his chest repeatedly not being able to speak what he wants and can only whimper gibberish words weeping to himself.

The slip of paper in his hand had read:

"We are deeply sorry to inform you that our dear beloved daughter has passed away. She lost the battle against heart disease on the morning of September 9, 2013.  She was diagnosed in the summer of 2009 with a fatal heart failure that turned out to be heart disease. She asked me to give this journal to a young man named Yoo Youngjae. I don't know who you are, but please treasure this journal. This is the most precious item my daughter treasured till her last breath."


The summer of 2009 was one year after the breakup, and the picture in his hand was a picture they took on their 100th day anniversary.