You know that feeling of being worthless. That feeling of everybody laughing at you behind your back. It , it ing . I just feel as though I have nothing to give to the world, I have no special talent, no skills that make me different from anyone else. I have nothing to teach my future kids. Who would even miss me if I was gone?

“Yah Seungri! Concentrate won’t you” JiYong shouted through the microphone. He was wearing sunglasses meaning that his eyes were probably puffy from lack of sleep. JiYong was talented, why couldn’t I be more like him. I blinked out of my thoughts and listened to the words JiYong was speaking. He told me to do my verse again and I complied. I did it over and over again because I could never get it right. I was useless.

My house was empty, I’d moved in months ago but I was in china too much to settle in properly, so I slept in my empty bedroom again. It was so empty, I hadn’t even had enough time to hang curtains and the moonlight filled my room, casting an eerie light across my floor. My phone buzzed and I looked to see that it was my shrink.

I’d been secretly seeing a psychiatrist for nearly three months now, I’d talked to my sister about how I felt and she’d immediately recommended I see one, apparently it wasn’t normal to think the way I did. She wanted to meet tomorrow and I checked my schedule before agreeing. I had a spare hour but she’d have to come to the studio which was risky. I didn’t want anybody finding out about it.

I couldn’t sleep throughout the night and I got out of bed around four in the morning, ate breakfast and showered. I scrolled through instagram hate and tried to put it to the back of my mind but it still affected me no matter how much I denied it.

When the time was past eight, I grabbed my gym bag and left the house to go to recording and dance practice. I was wearing loose tracksuit bottoms and a long sleeved shirt. I used to wear shorts to practice but I’d gained weight recently and the fans and Seunghyun never ceased to remind me, so I never liked showing off too much skin any more.

I was the first one there and I quickly grabbed a coffee from the cafeteria before heading to the recording booth. JiYong came in pretty soon afterwards and he gave me a kiss on the cheek before sitting down on the chair next to mine. “I just want to get this song finished today, do well okay?” I nodded and sipped on the drink in my hand. My phone buzzed again. My shrink said she’d be here in an hour. The others arrived pretty soon and we started getting into the swing of things.

They all laughed and joked around but I mainly sat quietly in the corner. I didn’t feel like joking around today, especially now JiYong had put pressure on me to do well so he could finish the song.

I got up after an hour and quietly excused myself. When my shrink phoned me to say she was at reception, I told them to let her in and we went to a booth in the cafeteria together to eat food whilst talking. My psychiatrist was pretty young, she was only about twenty three on top of that she was very beautiful and if I didn’t swing the other way, another thing that nobody knew about me, I would have totally fallen for her.

We sat down and she placed her bag in the seat next to her. “How are you doing, Seungri?” I fiddled with the end of my sweater and looked down at the table.

“Fine” was my blunt reply. She shook her head and her curls bounced over her shoulder daintily.

“Any more than just ‘fine’ you can share anything with me, that’s what I’m here for” I nodded along.
 
“I'm fine” she sighed when that was all I said.
 
“How's the recording going?”
 
“It's a lot of pressure” I paused and looked down at the table. “JiYong expects a lot” she nodded.
 
“You're an amazing singer, Seungri”
 
“Thanks” it was half hearted. I looked to the right and froze when I saw JiYong enter the cafeteria.
 
She followed my eyes and when she saw JiYong understood. “Ah, do you want to go somewhere else?” I shook my head slowly.
 
“It's fine” JiYong looked around and he met my eyes before slowly turning to walk over to me.
 
“Seungri ah-” he met my shrinks eyes. “Oh hi” he bowed deeply. I looked down at the table. “We're ready to record but if you have a friend we can reschedule”
 
“No I'll come up in a minute” I said quietly.
 
“Okay” he said simply before turning and walking away. I buried my head in my hands.
 
“He's gonna question me” I groaned.
 
“It's okay, Seungri, maybe you should just tell him?”
 
“ no” I breathed with humour.
 
“I don't need his ing concern” I spat. She looked concerned. I stood up. “See you next week” I said before turning and pacing away and up the stairs to the studio.
Youngbae wiggled his eyebrows at me when I entered. “JiYong said you were having lunch with a girl ey” I rolled my eyes and sat down on the sofa.
 
JiYong didn't meet my eyes, he was just fiddling with the mother board on the control panel. “She's a friend” I muttered.
 
“Sure sure” Daesung giggled.
 
I rolled my eyes and opened my phone, checking my messages and ignoring the annoying members of my band.
 
Later that night, I sat alone at home, watching TV and eating a bowl of ramyen. I couldn't cook much else, or I could, I just couldn't be bothered. I was so tired, the studio recording had been stressful and I couldn't hit my harmonic notes, making JiYong annoyed and when he snapped at me, I'd thrown the headphones on the floor and stormed out of the studio. Youngbae had come after me and scolded me for being rude. I couldn't help that my voice wasn't up to scratch but Youngbae had told me I had been disrespectful and that I needed to apologize.
 
I just got really annoyed and paced off. Youngbae had merely sighed and muttered how rude I was.
 
My doorbell rang at around eight and I swung my legs off the table and got up from the sofa from which I'd been staring at the TV for hours now. I shuffled over to the door and looked through the peephole. It was JiYong and I sighed inwardly.
 
He smiled at me weirdly, I thought he'd be shouting. “What are you doing here?” I said bluntly. He pushed through the door and sat on my sofa.
 
“Why is your apartment still so empty?” I looked around at the boxes and open floor space.
 
“I haven't had time to do any unpacking” he picked at the sofa edge, that and my TV table were the only pieces of furniture set up in the massive living room.
 
“How can you live with it looking so empty?” I shrugged and picked my half gone beer up from the table. “Anyway I came here to talk to you about what happened earlier today” I gulped and looked at the dusty floor. “What's with you recently, Seungri? You're always elsewhere, you're never concentrating, you can't even hit the bloody notes anymore” I felt tears prick at my eyes but I refused to cry, not in front of JiYong.
 
“My voice isn't as strong anymore hyung” it was so quiet. “I'm finding it harder and harder to sing.” I finally admitted it to JiYong. His expression cleared.
 
“What do you mean?”
 
“I can't hit the notes anymore, it just hurts” I whispered.
 
“Have you gone to a doctor about this?” he sounded really concerned.
 
“What's the point, they can't give me a new throat. My careers dying hyung, I've accepted it. Why do you think I'm looking into business and other jobs. I'm not worth much in bigbang anyway.”
 
“Don't ing say that, Seunghyun.” He stepped forward and grabbed my shoulders. “You're irreplaceable. Do you hear me, irreplaceable.” I couldn't meet his eyes.
 
He hugged me roughly and I just let my arms hang at my side. “Even if this is the case, it's not excuse to be ride to people or snap at them” I nodded to make him happy.
 
“Who was that girl, by the way” there it was. The question I'd been expecting ever since he walked through my front door.
 
“Just a friend” I murdered. He frowned deeply and looked at me with narrowed eyes.
 
“D-do you have a girl friend?” he was so timid saying it that I almost smiled.
 
“No, it's not like that hyung!” I protested.
 
“But she was visiting you at work, having lunch with you, that's the type of thing only girlfriends do.” I shook my head.
 
“She's not my girlfriend” I said quietly again.
 
“Who is she then? If never seen her before”

“Why do you care so much?!” I finally exploded. He flinched. “She's my ing shrink okay! My ing psychiatrist!” his mouth simply fell open and I saw him lean against the sofa to hold himself up.
 
“Your what?” he whispered. I regretted speaking and I quickly paced to my bedroom and slammed the door. “Seungriah, open the door, please” he begged through the door. I sat down against the door and buried my head between my knees. “Seungri please, just open the door.  I’m sorry for questioning you so much about it!” I shook my head and buried myself in the bed, just wanting him to go away. Eventually, he stopped speaking through the door and a few hours later, I dared to open the door, thinking he had gone home but I found him directly outside of my room.
 
His eyes were closed but when he heard the door, his head shot up and he started. I was wearing an extremely oversized vetements shirt and some baggy tracksuit, JiYong was silent but followed me to the kitchen. I boiled the kettle and sat on the counter top, swinging my feet idly.
 
JiYong looked so on edge and I gulped, not wanting to speak to him at them moment. “Y-you won’t tell anyone about what happened today will you?” I finally spoke, breaking the silence. He was staring at the floor, deep in thought and I first thought he wasn’t going to reply.
 
“C-can you explain to me why you have a therapist. Why do you need one? You’re happy and healthy and-“ he faded out and I pursed my lips thoughtfully.
 
“I’ve been seeing her for nearly four months now.” I paused to grab some tea bags from the cupboard. “I uh” this was the hard part “I got urges to uh” I gripped the kettle handle tightly in my fist and closed my eyes “I got urges to hurt myself” I couldn’t meet his eyes “when I gave in I um, I went to see my sister and I told her, I was scared that I’d do it again” I rolled up the sleeve of my sleeve and looked at the three white marks on the underside of my wrist. They were reminders of how I got here. I hadn’t done it since.
 
JiYong saw me roll up my sleeve and he walked over. When he saw the three cuts on my wrist, usually covered by my watch, his eyes widened they looked shinier suddenly. He looked at the scars for a good minute before I pulled my sleeve back down.
 
“How did none of us notice?” he gulped. “I mean, I could tell you were having a hard time about something but I had no idea” he stopped speaking and I just looked down at the countertop.
 
“If I tell you everything, can you promise you wont judge me or hate me, please” I had decided to tell JiYong everything, I needed to get it out of my system, I trusted JiYong the most out of anyone I knew. He gossiped like a mother but when it was serious like what I was about to tell him, I knew he’d stay quiet about it.
 
“Of course I won’t, open up to me” I nodded and stirred some milk into my tea before going to the sofa and sitting down. JiYong joined me with a glass of water and I sighed before speaking.
 
“You know when I slept around a lot, with loads of different woman each time”

“Yeah, that wasn’t a good time” he said quietly, taking a sip of water.
 
“Well, they weren’t all woman per say” his eyebrows went up in shock.
 
“What are you saying?!” he gasped.
 
“I’m saying that they weren’t all woman, I slept with men too, mostly men in fact. But whenever I needed to cover up any trails I left, I had a quick one with the first lady in the club that would take me” JiYong looked shocked beyond belief.
 
“B-but you’re the womanizer of BigBang!” he was so shocked.
 
“I’m gay, JiYong” the cup of water nearly fell from JiYong’s hand. His eyes were wide and he looked so nervous. I fiddled with my sleeve and bit my lip. “The more I slept with woman, the more I felt like I was lying to myself. Every time Youngbae teased me about all the girl friends I had, or the love bites I received from men the night before, I felt so worthless, and it just got worse and worse, the more I slept with woman, the more worthless and disgusting I felt, I was lying to myself.” JiYong looked so upset.
 
“And then my voice started acting up and I couldn’t even sing. The fans started calling me fat and I was obviously every single VIPs last choice. I acted as though it was a joke and that I found it funny but it really ing hurt when VIPs pushed me away and always claimed that I was there least favourite”
 
“I didn’t know it affected you that much” he murmured.
 
“And then all the stress of the album, it just built up in the end I couldn’t take it anymore, I had like five emotional breakdowns in one week, funnily enough, it was Chaerin that found me in one of the found me in one of the YG practice rooms, having a panic attack.”
 
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, Seunghyun-ah. I’m truly sorry” I shook it off.

“You didn’t know, what were you supposed to do” he went silent.

…

Jiyong didn’t treat me differently per say. He was more cautious and had kept true to his word about not telling anybody which I was thankful for. We were in Macau a few weeks later and it was the second day after our arrival. Youngbae and JiYong had gone out clubbing together, I’d been invited but turned it down. Daesung was out with some friends, and Seunghyun had gone to one of his friend’s art galleries that was opening. I was at the hotel by myself, just lying in bed. After facetiming, my sister, I was so bored and so I went to stand on my balcony.

It was freezing as the winter months were approaching and I pulled my jumper on before leaning against the balcony with a warm cup of tea in my hand. JiYong’s room was directly next to mine and so our balconies conjoined slightly, although mine was a lot bigger for some reason. A Jacuzzi sat at the top end but I eyed it with distaste before settling down on the lid instead and looking at the city streets below me.

I heard the door to JiYong’s room open and I quickly leapt off the lid of my Jacuzzi and walked over to the intercept. His balcony door was closed but I quickly climbed over the partition anyway and was about to knock on the window but I froze.

JiYong was against the wall, kissing a figure intensely. His shirt was strewn on the floor and the other person was aggressively kissing his neck. I gasped in shock and my knees nearly gave out when I saw JiYong wrap his legs around the others waist and the other turned and stepped out of the shadows revealing that it was in fact a man. He was foreign, European maybe, his blonde hair slicked back and dense muscles, a good tan and bright blue eyes. I literally looked at the pair in shock and watched as the man undressed JiYong in front of my stupefied eyes. It was only when I saw him sliding his fingers into JiYongs that I blinked out of my shock and quickly stepped backwards. What the ? What the actual hell? I could hear their through the glass doors that separated and was turning to go when I heard “Seungri” fall off JiYongs lips as he was being stretched open. I froze yet again, thinking JiYong had seen me but when I looked inside, JiYong’s face was contorted in pleasure, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, his nails scraping down the other mans back. “Oh Seungri” JiYong cried again, his eyes squeezed closed tightly. I felt a slight stir in my stomach when I heard my name on JiYongs lips like that. Quickly turning, I climbed over the partition and sat on the table, controlling my breaths carefully, thinking through everything that had just happened.

“JiYong was gay, Jiyong is gay. JIYONG IS GAY” was all I could say through shaky breaths. No wonder he accepted me so well, no wonder I didn’t see an ounce of judgement in his eyes when I told him. I pinched myself only to realise that I was fully awake, this wasn’t a dream, this was real. How was I supposed to face him now? Like normal?

And then I realised, JiYong must have been going through the exact same thing as me all these years. He must have hidden it from everyone for the same reasons, the scandals with Kiko, oh god, they must have destroyed him. I blinked, realising how selfish I’d been about this.

I lay in my bed, my thoughts were running wild, I was so shocked. After falling into restless sleep, I awoke at five am and pulled some shorts on before padding down the corridor to Youngbae’s room. He was asleep on the bed and I pulled the covers aside to squeeze in next to him. Youngbae mumbled something before opening his eyes slightly. I shook my head and wrapped an arm around him before closing my eyes. “There there Seungri-ah” he mumbled sleepily before falling back asleep. I had wanted to go to Jiyong but I didn’t know if the man was still there.

When Youngbae woke me up at seven am, two hours later, I felt ready to face JiYong and so I offered to wake him up. Knocking on his door, I felt scared again, and I just hoped that the man was gone. JiYong opened the door in just his boxers looking extremely sleepy. He only opened the door slightly and I knew from that, the man was still there.

“You have to get up” I announced and he nodded. “And I left something in your room yesterday, can I get it.”

“No!” he shouted, I flinched back. “I mean, you can get it later, I have to get ready.”

“Why are you being so weird?” I knew the answer but I didn’t give him time to reply and pushed passed him. He seemed pretty spent so it didn’t take much and I entered his room quickly. The man was lying covered by the sheets but obviously .

“I can explain-“he stuttered, grabbing a bathrobe and covering himself more. I looked at the open bottle of lube on the bed sheets and the packet lying on the floor and I felt upset suddenly. Why was I upset that JiYong had with another man, why did it affect me so much? I then just let out a sob and practically fell to the ground. JiYong, obviously startled, rushed over.

I wailed out loudly like a baby and buried my face in my hands. JiYong pulled me up and onto the balcony so I wouldn’t wake the ‘guest’ up. “Hey why are you crying?” JiYong looked so baffled. “Why are you crying Seungri-ah?” JiYong looked so confused and I just bawled into my hands.

There was a knock on the window and the guy who had been lying in the bed previously, shouldered his bag and was now fully dressed. He waved quickly and gestured that he was leaving. Jiyong waved back weakly and the guy was gone and we were left alone.

My crying was more silent now and I wiped my eyes. JiYong looked at me with concern. “What is wrong, Ri? Was it me? Why do you care who I sleep with-“I shut him up by kissing him. He didn’t kiss back and I regretted it for a second. But then his lips moved against mine and I moved my hands to cup his jaw. It intensified and I slid my tongue into his mouth, making him moan in pleasure.

Pulling back, I breathed heavily and looked down at the floor. “Did you mean that?” Jiyong asked, almost hopefully.

“What?”

“The kiss” he said quietly.

“Of course I ing did” I almost hissed. “Did you like it?” I questioned in turn.

“Yes, I liked it very much” he grinned tilting my jaw and placing his lips on mine once again.

We walked to the lobby hand in hand. I was smiling for once and JiYong, although limping slightly from last night, looked happy. And that made me happy. I kept refraining myself from kissing his knuckles but once we were in the car, I rested on his shoulder and smiled at the familiarity. Youngbae looked at us suspiciously.

Why do you both look so smug?” he questioned jokingly. I held my laughter in and JiYong just looked out the window.

Months passed and we still hadn’t told our bandmates. JiYong told me that Youngbae knew that he was gay, he’d known since they were fifteen. I wasn’t surprised to be honest, they told each other everything.

Jiyong really wanted to tell Youngbae about us, just because they were best friends and Jiyong didn’t like keeping things from him but I kept putting it off because I was scared of the reaction. When I finally agreed, JiYong was so happy and he bundled me into the car to go straight to Youngbae’s house before I changed my mind. Hyorin was there too but Jiyong insisted that we could trust her with our lives and that Youngbae would tell her as soon as we left anyway.

Youngbae was sitting on one sofa and we were on the other. It felt like I was at a therapy session like I was every week, Jiyong had started accompanying me to them anyway. “So” JiYong started. Youngbae just looked at us expectantly. “Well” Jiyong tried again. He cleared his throat “Youngbae-ah”

“Oh my word just tell me what you’ve done JiYong!” he laughed.

“Okay” JiYong stuttered. “Well the thing is” he paused again and I was about to interrupt to just get it over with when JiYong finally said it “Seungri-ah and I have been seeing each other for a while now and I thought I should tell you” Youngbae’s mouth fell open.

“Seungri-ah, you’re gay?!” he spluttered. I nodded calmly and looked at the floor instead of meeting his eyes. “I mean, I know JiYong’s been crushing on you since we were eighteen but it still comes as a shock.” I giggled.

“Eighteen!” JiYong went bright red and looked at his socks.

“I wish you two all the best and I know you’ll make each other very happy. Maknae has really cheered up in the past couple of months, I’m guessing that is because of you Ji, so thanks for that.” I blushed and squeezed JiYong’s hand, holding onto the man that gave me happiness in every sense of the word.

Baeeeeeeee. Yey I finally finished writing this chapter whooooooooo. It took me so long and I don’t even know why. It was a little bit angst because somebody in the comments wanted angst so here ya go!

Please comment, my last chapter got barely any and it was really disheartening :( fanks for reading,

Be right back ma Gs