Slight trigger warning.

Please comment when you have finished reading. Comments encourage me to write more honestly and feel free to leave any prompts. Sorry if I haven't done yours yet, it takes me a while to get my head around them.

 

I looked at the clock for the fifth time in the past two minutes and Soo Joo looked at me weirdly. “What’s wrong, JiYong?” she asked worriedly. How was I supposed to tell her that I was worried about Seungri, she wouldn’t understand.

“I need to go home now.” I said firmly.

“Go home! Why? You have another week here in Paris.” She exclaimed. I fiddled with my jacket and looked at the floor.

“I’m worried about Seungri” I finally mumbled. She widened her eyes.

“Are you serious, JiYong? He can take care of himself, you know – he isn’t a baby.” She huffed.

“You don’t know what it’s like!” I retaliated. She stood up from her chair. Why the hell was she getting angry about this anyway?

“I can’t believe you, Ji.” She shrieked.

“You don’t know.” I said quietly.

“Then enlighten me!”

“You don’t know what its like to see the one you love in pain for no apparent reason. You don’t know what its like to come home after leaving him all alone to see fresh scars on his arm! And what about when you get a call from him in the middle of the night because he wants to end his own life, and you have to stay up with him all night because he is scared of what he will do if you hang up. He is so insecure that he hides behind this visage that every body else sees. Because he isn’t allowed to be sad, he isn’t allowed to cry in front of others because he Seungri – BigBang’s cheerful maknae.” I breathed through my nose. “So don’t tell me he can take care of himself, don’t tell me that I can just leave him alone even though I’m missing him like hell!” After me outburst the whole table had gone quiet and I looked into my friends shocked eyes before letting my hands fall to my side.

Without further hesitation, I pushed my chair back and paced out of the restaurant. I heard Soo Joo calling after me and I slowed down slightly. “JiYong, I’m sorry!” She panted and I stopped when I reached the balcony. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.” She cried and I let her hug me. After all, she didn’t know. She wrapped her long arms around me and I returned the hug.

“I’m going back to Korea tonight.” I choked and she nodded into my shoulder.

“Go back to him, JiYong.” She breathed. “Make sure that he is okay, yeah?” It was my turn to nod.

 

I boarded the plane home at seven Paris time and got there late the next evening. I hadn't told Seungri I was coming home, I wanted to surprise him. My manager took me home from the airport and I thanked him before hauling my suitcase up the stairs to my apartment. The door was unlocked so I knew Seungri was home, I was surprised when the whole apartment was dark and I quietly left my suitcase in the front room before seeking out Seungri.

 

A small light came from under the bedroom door and I quietly opened the door and looked inside. The side light was the source and my eyes softened when I saw Seungri curled up in a ball on the bed. I smiled at him and when I got closer I noticed that he was wearing one of my t-shirts. His hair was damp and his eyes closed and I knew that he was fast asleep. His phone lay lightly clasped in his hand and his legs were pulled up to his chest in an almost fetal way.

 

My smile dropped when I looked at his arms. There were more than when I left, I could tell. The scars were dark against the pale skin of his arms and I bit my lip before looking away. I felt guilty for some reason. If I hadn't left would he have hurt himself? I pulled off my journey clothes and sat down lightly on the bed next to him.

 

The expression on his face was just so sad that I stared at it for a few minutes to try and work out how a person could look quite so miserable in his sleep. I lay down next to him and slowly wrapped my arms around his waist. Seungri stirred at the movement. I stiffened when he groaned and returned the hug he mumbled something incoherent before opening his eyes.

 

“JiYong?!” he half gasped.

 

“Hey sweetie” I mumbled. “I missed you so I came home early.” Seungri grabbed me and pulled my into a huge hug.

 

“I missed you too.” He whispered. Then he got up from the bed. I watched him carefully as he grabbed a hoodie from the side and pulled it over his arms. My smile faded again. He was trying to hide it from me. He noticed my frown and mumbled something before sitting on the bed again.

 

I smiled softly at him and tucked his blonde hair behind his ear he leaned into the touch and pulls me into another hug. “You didn't have to leave Paris you know?” he gulped, suddenly looking guilty. “I ruined your holiday.”

 

“Hey” I cupped his cheeks in my palms. “It was my choice to come back, I didn't have to” he still looked guilty. I knew he was going to beat himself up about this. I should've thought of it.

 

“But” I pulled him into another hug to stop him from speaking. He asked me about my holiday and I showed him some pictures I had taken at the fashion show and told him stories of everything that had happened.

 

Two hours later, he got back to sleep. I had jet lag and couldn't sleep at all. So I took a picture of Seungri sleeping on my chest and posted it on my private instagram.

 

1. My baby is back in my arms 💖💖

 

I knew that it was risky to even put it on my private but I decided it was worth it. When I was sure that he was fast asleep, I slowly lifted the sleeve of his hoodie. I was right with what I saw earlier. He had hurt himself more since I had left. The smooth underside of his wrist was showing new cuts and I placed a kiss on each before quickly getting up from the bed and pacing to the bathroom to cry. I couldn't let him hear me.

 

As soon as I got there, the tears spilled over and I slid down the wall before slowly crying into my hands. Was it my fault? Was I not enough for him? The thoughts kept playing around in my head. I sat there for a while until I had calmed down.

 

“JiYong? Are you in there?” Seungri called front the other side of the door. I straightened myself up and sniffed before answering.

 

“Yeah, sorry I needed the loo” I called, but it was drastically obvious that I had been crying.

 

“Are you alright JiYong?” He called again.

 

“Yeah I'll be out in a second.” I cried out before splashing cold water on my face and breathing deeply. My eyes were read and swollen and I cursed myself before opening the bathroom door and looking out.

 

Seungri stood there looking worried. “ JiYong, why were you crying?” he asked. I shook my head and headed towards the bed. When I had face planted into the bed, he approached me again.

 

“Is it because of me?” he said quietly.

 

“ No” I groaned.

 

“Did you see them.” He said. “I know you did.” He then said. “I'm sorry.” I sighed and groaned again into the pillow.

 

“Don't be sorry” I sighed. I rolled over and sniffed up any threatening tears. “I just thought - I just thought that you were better, not better but...I didn't think that you would do it so much anymore.”

 

I felt the bed dip beside me and Seungri lay down next to me. I turned away again and hid my tears.

 

“I'm really am sorry.” He choked before hugging me. I stayed quiet for the rest of the night and eventually fall asleep.

 

…

 

The next morning Seungri left me a note to tell me he was going to see his parents and knew that he was avoiding me but I chose to ignore the fact.

 

I called Youngbae and he picked up after like two rings. “Hey Ji” he said when he picked up.

 

“Hey Youngbae.” I replied with the same. “So I see that you're back in Seoul with your ‘baby’ all tucked up.” He giggled down the phone and I merely sighed.

 

“Can I meet you?” I asked.

 

“Yeah, can you come to mine, I'm feeling lazy as .” I agreed and hung up before pulling a hoodie and jeans on.

 

I got the bus to YoungBae's house and because it was so early, there was nobody on the bus. As soon as I knocked on the door, Youngbae opened it in his pajamas. He saw my tired face and puffed up eyes and knew that something wasn't right.

 

“Hey what's wrong?” He asked, closing the door behind me when I had walked in.

 

“He has done it again Bae” I finally cried.

 

“Done what?” Youngbae asked, genuinely confused.

 

“He cut himself again” I felt more tears building up.

 

“Oh JiYong” Youngbae gasped, pulling me into a huge hug. “Hey it's gonna be okay you know that right.” He let me cry into his chest for a few minutes.

 

“Sometimes I wonder if it's because of me that he is miserable. Am I not good enough for him.” I wailed.

 

Youngbae guided me to the sofa and let me calm down. “Where was it ?” he asked.

 

“On his wrists.” I gulped.

 

“Listen JiYong, none of this is your fault do you hear me? None of it.” I nodded.

 

“Sometimes people just need a different form of release. And we both know that Seungri has been under a great deal of stress with the law suit and everything. He was probably just stressed.” I nodded along with everything that Youngbae was saying numbly.

 

“So when you see him next, give him a massive hug and tell him that you love him. Okay?” I nodded.

 

 

…

 

I got back later that afternoon and as soon as I opened the door, I went to the kitchen and approached Seungri from behind before giving a massive hug.

 

“I love you so much, don't you ever forget it.” I whispered. He had tensed but he relaxed when I told him the words.

 

“I love you too JiYong.” He said in a hushed voice.

 

“How are your parents?” I asked.

 

“I didn't go and see them” he paused. “I went to see a therapist.” I looked up in shock.

 

“Seriously!” I gaped.

 

“Yeah, I want to get better.” He said quietly. I nodded and pulled him closer to my chest.

 

“I am going to help you every step of the way my darling.”

 

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