ANGST AHEAD!

[Trigger warning]

 

I was hung over from my night out with Youngbae but when I got a call from Hyunsuk hyung at six in the morning, I knew it was important. He had simply told me to come to YG building sharp, I hadn’t hesitated to jump out of bed and get too it. Still half asleep, I had grabbed a coffee from the canteen and met Daesung on the stairs up to the offices. He looked fresh faced as per usual even though it was only seven thirty in the morning, even Seunghyun was on time.

 

Youngbae looked not much better than me, his sunglasses sat on the bridge of his nose and a hat was pulled over what I could only imagine was atrocious bed hair. Seungri, our youngest was no where to be found and I looked with a questioning gaze as I sat in one of the leather sofas outside Hyungs office. When Seungri still didn’t arrived, I concluded that he must have partied to hard yesterday and was probably too hung over to be woken up by a phone call. Either that or he was already inside the office and he had done something wrong, again.

 

The only sound that broke the silence was the overly arty clock on the wall and the occasional sips I took from my coffee. My mind had begun to wander when Hyunsuk hyung finally let us into his office, he looked exhausted and worried and I instantly wandered what the hell we had done this time. I fell onto one of the cushioned chairs and crossed my legs, a tired sigh  escaping my lips. It was quiet for a minute and Hyunsuk sat down, eyeing each of us up and down.

 

“You have no idea why I called you here today, do you?” he started.

 

Seunghyun smirked a little before answering “Let me guess, Seungri has done something wrong again.” Youngbae snorted slightly before grabbing my coffee straight out my hand and taking a swig. The expression on Hyunsuk Hyungs face didn’t even twitch and I protested, grabbing my coffee out of Youngbae’s hand again. Sulking that his vacuum cleaner lips had sipped all of the froth away, I concentrated on hyung again.

 

“Have any of you talked to Seungri recently?” Hyung asked finally. I looked around at the others, Youngbae shook his head.

 

“Not since a few days ago” Seunghyun replied with a similar answer.

 

“I did like the day before yesterday” I piped up. Daesung, who had been silent up until this point finally, spoke.

 

“I spoke to him yesterday” I shrugged and looked back at Hyunsuk hyung.

 

“And what did he say?” Hyunsuk hyung asked. I frowned at all these questions, what the hell was going on?

 

“He asked me what all the others were doing and I told him, he just talked about stuff I don’t know.”

 

“What’s going on, Hyung?” I asked impatiently, I needed my bed and I, quite frankly couldn’t be bothered to deal with whatever mistake Seungri had made.

 

“Seungri, he-” Hyunsuk hyung looked troubled and suddenly fidgeted with the key board “He tried to end his own life last night.” It was as though the temperature in the room went up fifty degrees. Nobody spoke, nobody knew what to say, and nobody believed it. “He- he lay in a tub and cut his own wrists so he could leave this world.” It felt as though somebody had just punched me in the stomach and I suddenly found it hard to breathe.

 

Daesung was the first to speak “W-why would you say that, Hyung?” he whispered. “B-but he’s alive?” he managed to get out after that.

 

“He wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for his sister, she saw that he’d been liking suicidal posts on instagram and when he hadn’t picked up the phone, she had panicked and gone around to his house.” I suddenly let out all the breath I had been holding in, and when I tried to gulp in more, it just came in short bouts and puffs.

 

Seungri, our happy maknae – our pillar of joy, the overly enthusiastic baby of the group, had tried to end his own life.

 

“B-but he has no reason to do that” Seunghyun spluttered.

 

“Do you ever wonder why Seungri is so over enthusiastic about everything, why you never see him without a smile on his face, and why he all he wants is to make others smile?” I couldn’t contain my choked sobs anymore and I wiped the tears that were pooling in my eyes away roughly. “I talked to the hospital this morning and they said that he was diagnosed with depression ten months ago, but recently he hasn’t been taking his anti depressants” Hyunsuk hyung breathed heavily “They found self harm wounds on his thighs and side when they were changing him into his hospital gown.” I couldn’t take it anymore, so standing up; I paced towards the door, needing to be alone to cry.

 

“You’re lying” I whispered, leaning against the wall of the men’s toilets, I dialled Seungri’s number aggressively and waited but it went straight to voice mail. “ ” I shouted, throwing the device on the floor and sliding down the wall to lie next to it. I brought my knees up to my chest and buried my face between them. The sobs escaped in shaky bouts and I felt my dribble and snotty nose with disgust.

 

“JiYong” it was Youngbae. He slid down the wall to sit next to me but I didn’t raise my head from my knees. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I craved the comfort so I leant into the touch.

 

“How couldn’t we see, Youngbae, why didn’t we notice?” Youngbae didn’t answer because he knew he couldn’t, we had been bad Hyungs. “Imagine him in that bath tub, hyung – surrounded by his own blood-”

 

“Shh, JiYong – don’t think about it” Youngbae left a messy kiss on the top of my head and I cried even more.

 

“We’re going to the hospital now” Youngbae said, I nodded and finally lifted my head.

 

“Y-yeah I need to see him” I wiped my nose with the back of my sleeve and scrunched my eyes up to keep the tears from falling. “We need to go.”

 

“Yeah JiYong, we’ll see him in a minute.”  Although visiting hours strictly started at nine, Hyunsuk hyung had gotten the hospital to bend the rules slightly and we were let in early. It was one at a time due to something to do with his blood transfusion and the room being too warm with us all in it. We collectively agreed that I could go in first.

 

“Seungri-ah hasn’t regained consciousness yet and I’m afraid that he’s still very weak.” I nodded and entered the room slowly. It smelt like blood and my nose twitched uncomfortably. The blood bag was hung up on an IV stand and I followed the wire which led to his wrist. His left and right arm was bandaged from wrist to elbow and I closed my eyes for a second to recollect my thoughts before proceeding. I followed his bandaged arm up to his shoulders, up his neck and finally to his face. He was pale, too pale and I felt another sob escape me as I approached the bed hesitantly. His eye lashes were dark in contrast to his practically white skin.

 

My hand was shaking as I slid my fingers through Seungri’s. His hand was so cold. I didn’t know what to say so I just said what came to my mind. “Hey, Seungri – it’s JiYong um, I don’t know what to say to you and I don’t even know if you can hear me but I want you to know that I love you, and I wish” I started crying again “I wish you would tell me things more. Why wouldn’t you tell me about all this huh?” I squeezed his pale hand and lifted it up to kiss each of his knuckles. “You always seem so happy, I don’t understand – I just, I’m sorry I didn’t notice before Ri – I’m sorry you didn’t feel as though you could call me when you were feeling suicidal.” I couldn’t talk any more; it just came out in short breaths.

 

The bandages were spread all across his arm and I wandered how many times he had cut. Seungri didn’t look as though he was going to wake up any time soon and I knew that the others wanted to see him as well so I stood up and placed his hand on the bed carefully before leaning over and kissing his forehead gently. “I love you Ri” I whispered before leaving the room. Hana was in the waiting room when I got back and she silently greeted me, she looked exhausted and I pulled her in for a hug.

 

She looked so shaken and I didn’t know what to say that would comfort her. So I just rubbed her back soothingly whilst Youngbae went into see Seungri. “Are your parents coming?” I eventually said. She nodded and her red rimmed eyes looked up to meet mine.

 

“They didn’t believe me when I told them” she whispered. I then remembered that she was the one who had found Seungri, in a pool of his own blood.

 

“Thank you” I whispered “thank you for saving him” I sniffed as she started crying again. “I’m the worst friend in the world, I’m around him 24/7 yet I don’t even notice that he’s pretending to be happy.” She didn’t say anything, just squeezed my arm slightly.

 

Seungri awoke some hours later and his parents arrived just in time, they spent a good forty minutes in the hospital room with him. His blood transfusion was finished and he was conscious but barely when I was allowed to go and see him again with Daesung. He was sitting up but barely, his eyes were wide and confused when I entered the room and he looked so helpless.

 

“Hey” I said quietly, sitting down on the end of the bed. He didn’t reply and I shrugged it off before looking at him. Daesung stood quietly by my side and looked without saying anything in particular. A heavy silence settled over us and I coughed awkwardly before speaking again.

 

“How are you feeling?” again, I received no answer and I scrunched my nose in frustration. Daesung rested a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze before speaking.

 

“You know we would take all your pain if we could, we would take anything for you maknae, because we love you. And never ever ever would we want you to feel as though you weren’t good enough for the band or for even living, because you are, Seungri. You’re the kindest sweetest man I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing and I think I would die if we had lost you.” Daesung’s sincere words made my heart ache when Seungri still didn’t reply to even Daesung.

 

“How long, Seungri – how long have you been feeling like you don’t want to live anymore?” I was agitated now, I just wanted the old care free Seungri back, not this silent, sad Seungri who wouldn’t even acknowledge my presence.

 

Seungri was kept on suicide watch in hospital for the next three days and then they decided to transfer him to a specialist unit in a different location, Seungri still hadn’t spoken a word to me, only cried silently when he thought I wasn’t looking. After nearly tearing the wires out of his arms in an attempt to get to the drugs cupboard, the hospital decided he needed more help than they could give him.

 

YG put him on hiatus, the whole group in fact without an explanation to the fans, they couldn’t find out about this. So it was on the 23^rd of May that I drove, with is parents, to the specialist clinic. There were therapy sessions and 24 hour surveillance. We all knew that he needed that.

 

That was the first time he spoke to me since his attempt on his own life, when I was leaving he cried and begged me to take him with him. He cried like a baby in my arms, wailing that he was scared and he wanted to go home, he wouldn’t try again, he promised. Yet somehow, I managed to detatch myself from him, give him a kiss on the nose and turn away. I still heard his pleading screams when I was away from the building.

 

We weren’t allowed to go and see him for three days, apparently he had to get settled in his new surroundings but when I could go and see him, I was shocked. He wouldn’t speak to me again; he just sat on the leather sofa and itched at the palms of his hands. I tried every day until he refused my visits altogether. He would only see his parents and Hana.

 

I tried again and again but it was to no avail and when the hospital said that he had been refusing to eat, I stormed into the clinic and demanded to see him, whether he wanted me to or not. His hair was growing longer and his fringe hung over his eyes. The bandages had been taken off and the scars were on show on his arms, he looked like he wanted to die and I felt bad for forcing myself on him.

 

But I needed to knock some sense into him. After calmly asking him why he hadn’t been eating his meals and receiving no answer, I started raising my voice. And he raised his voice back, saying I had no right to interfere in his life. This brought a smile to my face and when he shouted at me asking why I was smiling I replied. “You’re actually showing emotion.” He had released a whole range of swear words at me and stormed out of the visiting room.

 

On the 4^th of June, Seungri let me see him again. I visited him and he told me that he was sorry for his behaviour the past weeks before. I told him it was fine and he rambled on about all the therapy sessions he was receiving. He said he was getting better.

 

I soon found this to be a lie when the clinic said he had been purging himself of all the meals and they were going to have to extend the stay for another few weeks. I couldn’t sleep that night; I couldn’t get over his acting. He knew exactly how to make me think he was doing okay and that scared me.

 

So a week before he was due to be released, I moved his stuff into my apartment and made arrangements for him to live with me instead of by himself. When eventually, Seungri was back to a healthier weight, the clinic released him from their care.

 

I drove him back to my apartment in silence and he was greeted with the cheesy ‘welcome home’ banners I had stuck around the kitchen. I cringed at my effort but it was all made up for when he smiled a genuine smile and hugged me tightly. The members all came round for a pizza party and we watched film after film before falling asleep on the sofas.

 

It was an uphill struggle and at many points, it seemed as though we had reached the peak only to see that it was the bottom of the next mountain. I attended a few therapy sessions with Seungri and slowly came to terms with the fact he had a mental illness.

 

The next few months were full of dark times and times where I just wanted to leave and forget everything but they were also filled with happier moments. My birthday came round and I woke up to Seungri jumping on my legs like an overly excited toddler, he grabbed me by the hand to drag me to the living room where he had blown up hundreds of balloons and made a lopsided cake whilst I had been asleep. It brought tears to my eyes and I had kissed him then, not fully intending to. But when I spluttered an apology and was ready to go fall down the drainpipe he laughed.

 

For the first time in months, he let out that amazing peal of giggles that I had learned to love over the years. And on August the 18^th, we officially confessed our love to each other.

 

It was an exciting day when the doctor told Seungri he no longer needed to take his anti depressants. We pushed them to the back of the medicine cabinet and left them there to be forgotten. Seungri’s laughter became a more frequent noise in my life and his idle chatter became the highlight of my day.

 

And eventually, Seungri was ready to be part of BigBang again, we recorded songs that sounded better than anything we had done before, the fans loved it. They had never found out about Seungri’s dark days, and we were going to keep it that way. Seungri reimmersed himself in all of his social activities and his weird nights out became more and more frequent, but these days, he always invited me along to them.

 

Seungri’s suicide attempt had changed all of us, that we knew. It made me grow up in more ways than one. Seungri told me once, as we were lying, wrapped in each others arms – that I was his saviour and without me, he would have tried again and again until he succeeded in leaving this world. I just kissed him and told him that those days were behind us, and that he should never bring them up again. And he never did speak of them again.

 

And so Seungri’s pursuit of happiness had come to an end.

 

 

Thanks for reading!! I wrote this so quickly I couldn’t even see my own fingers typing lollololol. Sorry it was a little angsty, this idea had been playing around in my mind for awhile now and I needed to get it down and post it. I’ve updated quite a lot this week, not sure why, (probably because I’ll do anything but revise for my finals)

 

Please comment your thoughts and stuff that is appreciated immensely honestly, I legit refresh the page to see if anyone new has commented, I know I’m sad, thanks again :)