I find myself falling, over and over again until I can no longer tell whether I'm drowning in the depth of your eyes or into the whirlpool of mistakes. The bright reflection from your hazelnut eyes pulls me in, unwilling to let go. The crinkle around your eyes made me softened my resolve, not wanting to let you go, but I knew that our time has come.
I wish I could be in your safe, warm arms. It feels like home, and there's no one else I rather be with. I changed like day and night just to satisfy you - just so you could love me the way I love you. I changed so much that I don't even know who I am anymore. But honestly, I don't know how to let go of you because life is gone when love is gone. And I've never fell so hard for anyone else.
It hurts when I see you laugh with the other person. It hurts when I feel as though I don't belong with you. It hurts whenever I closed my eyes, and all I could see is the drowning depth of the window to your soul. I feel as though you don't want me there. I feel as though you could harm me with nothing but a simple word. 'Hate,' the word I dread to hear from you once you decided that I was no longer yours.
There are so many things in my head that I wish I could say to you. But I don't know how. I could never hate you - as much as I want to, I can't. You're the definition of love, I don't know how else to describe or define it. But in conclusion, I guess the one thing I learned from you is that sometimes the heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. I don't know why I still love you. But love hurts. It really does. And I hate you because everytime I look into the mirrow, I ask 'Why she wasn't good enough. She's given everything up - her time, her happiness, and her love.' So now, I'll ask you - why wasn't I enough?
'It wasn't that you're not enough," you pathetically attempted to explain yourself, 'It's just that my heart belongs to another's now. I simply don't feel the same way as you anymore.' No, you didn't even try to tell me why I wasn't good enough. All that I heard was...I don't deserve you. But in fact, it was you who don't deserve me. I tried, I really did, to make our relationship works, and yet, all you ever do is ruin it. It was your idea of a fun time to spark an argument with me. It was your idea of a fun time to see me mad. It was your idea of a fun time to see my humiliation. I couldn't stand it anymore. I could no longer look at your face, and see the you who I love.
I miss you though. Not who you are right now, but the person who I laughed with, the person who I loved with no shame, the person who I said anything and everything to. But it's just a memory. I try to finish the picture of you and I, but the picture isn't good enough - like me, not good enough. It was my problem though, this whole thing. My problem. I fell in love with your words, not your actions. I fell in love with the idea of you and me, but not reality. And these thoughts are slowly destroying me, and it will be the death of me. I just don't know how to forget. But it looks like your heart already forgot me.
"Why am I not good enough? How is she better than me? What have I ever done to you?!" I screamed out, the fury of anger overcoming my rational thought process. "I didn't know that this is the real you..."
I feel defeated. I should've known better than to trust in your fancy words. I should've know better than to just embrace the fact that you love me. Or you used to. There was nothing between us now but an empty dream, and an unfulfilled promise. You promise me a beautiful family. You promised that you would always be by my side. You promised that you would only belong to me. But now you're in the arms of another, of someone I knows. The arms of...
The arms of someone who isn't me. I wish it was me. But, that's just a dead dream, or something nonexistence. Maybe 'we' were just thought. 'Us' never existed. But why does it still make me happy that everytime I sneak a peek at you, you're already looking at me like I'm the most beautiful mountain among the rest? I try to remind myself it's just a hallucination, just something I keep imagining. Why am I still happy when I receive a text, phone call, or an invitation over from you? I don't know. But I remind myself that 'we' will never survive. But I don't know why I'm so happy when you choose to talk to me when you could talk to her. But - it's fake, a dead dream. We don't have a chance anymore. You're the one who got away, but you lost someone who gave you everything. When the only thing she could give you was beauty.
The happiness I felt is unreal. It feels as though the moment I chose to accept it, everything will disappear. Dreams and reality are mixed together, and I'm left in this world, all alone and confused. There is no one to guide me, no you to lead me back to the light. You were my guardian angel, my compass, but now that you're gone, what am I supposed to do? To you, I'm a replaceable pawn in your life. To you, I'm just a second choice. To you, I'm the one you know will always be there to welcome you back no matter how much you mess up. But to me? You are the best thing that have ever happen to me. You let me know what a romance is. You let me dream of the wildest adventures that we can have. Together. However, all is gone. There is nothing left the moment you stepped out the door without knowing that there was a life inside me.
You chose her. I'll admit, it felt like a car crashed into me. But you didn't care, you just cared about yourself. I was left with broken bones and a broken heart. I'm slowly recovering, but out of the blue I always blame myself. The smallest thing will always remind me of you. A similar colonge, a similar facial structure, or even a place will bring me back to you. And the worst part is I will always feel the guilt. I always run scenerios in my head that maybe if I tried harder, ormaybe if I tried to look nicer, you would be mine. They tell me you lost me, not the other way around. But to you, everything was perfect. You got someone else who has the beauty. I don't know what to think anymore, because I've been thinking too much about you and I just want to let go. But I keep having dreams about you, and now I don't want to sleep. And now... I'm stressed out
I didn't know what prompt me to go tell you. I don't know what kind of craziness it was that made me call you up in the middle of the night, but to my surprise, you answered. The first ring hasn't even end when the clicking sound of you picking you transversed through the phone. Wide-eyed, I sat up and glanced at the ID to make sure that it was really you. It was, and when your hoarse voice muttered a 'Hello,' the emotions I thought I no longer possessed streamed back to me. The fear, the tears, the anger, the sadness. But most of all, the loneliness of being the second choice.
"Amber?" you whispered into the phone quietly, your voice seemingly in disbelief as though it wasn't you who left me. You sounded so weak, so fragile, so...young. All I had wanted to do then was to cradle you in my arms and tell you that everything is alright. I wanted to hold you, and whisper the words I never thought I would say. The shards of my broken heart was slowly being mend again, and I wasn't sure if I like it or not.
"Amber? Please answer me..." you said desperately, your melodic voice rising higher and higher, "Please give me a second chance. I'm sorry, I won't take you for granted again. I won't make the same mistakes. I promise!"
And that was when everything came crashing back. "Promise?" I questioned, my own vocal chord a tune lower than usual. "Promise, Hyuk? Aren't you the last person who should be promising me anything? Don't you remember?" I bit out, my own bitter memories travelling toward me at the speed of light. The promises, the loving whispers, the soothing touches...Everything wasn't mine any longer. It was hers, and I had no right to them. Not anymore.
"Amber, I know about you. I know about the child," he whispered into the phone dangerously, his voice sounding threatened. But it wasn't to me. Instead, it felt as though he was trying to convince himself. Trying to make himself believe that he was calling me out of responsibility.
I scoffed loudly, not bothering to hide the disgust in my voice at his tone. He didn't want me back. He didn't love me. The only reason why he bothered was because of the infant growing inside of me. But no matter what, I won't give him up. Not to anyone, not even to the man I used to love. If anything, the infant is the only remainder I have left of when we were still in love. Still blissfully unaware of the truth.
"No!" I said coldly, my voice hardened, my wall put up. "He is not yours, Hyuk. He is mine. Mine, and mine alone. You have no rights as a father the moment you left me, knowing I was crumbling in despair. You have no more rights..." I trailed off, the tears slipping down my face, ironically in order. I felt them streamed down my face in perfect lines. I felt the fast beating of my heart. I felt the burn of my once passionate love for the man on the other line. The only thing I didn't feel, however, was my hatred for the child's father. I knew it. I had known from the beginning that I could never hate him.
"The baby is ours, Amber. Don't be stubborn. I don't want any child of mine to grow up without a father. I watn to be there for him. I want to play with him, to support him, as how a father would. Don't take me from him, Amber. You know that you need me," he fired off, every bullets hitting the truth in the bullseyes. I had known. And he had known. But maybe, just maybe...this could work.
Hope began to sprouted inside of me, the hope that I thought long gone. Maybe he could come to love me again, even if he's only staying because it's his responsibility. Maybe we could regain the romance we once had. The wild beating of hearts whenever we're together. The gentle caresses and the passionate gazes whenever we set eyes on one another. Maybe...just maybe...this could work....
Yes, I am cruel and I'm leaving this at a cliffhanger. No, I do not think I'll be writing a sequel because this is up to you, the reader, imaginations. Many things are possible. There are a lot of ways this story could end. What is your ending? ^-^
On the other hand, I would like to dedicate this story to my crazy friend who's obsessed with Ed Sheeran, Panic! at the Disco and 21 Pilots :P She has actually inspired me for most of this story, and my writer's block, you could say, is officially over.
The other good news I would like to tell you is that I got the basic structural plot lines for both N and Leo's stories already. Yes, they will both be happy ending and hopefully quiet long. One of them will be based on a real life event. Can you guess which? ;)
Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed the story! Comment below and tell me your opinions.
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