“What?” the kids looked so funny with their ‘almost there’ expression.

Jiyong didn’t kiss me on the lips. He was just playing around. I was relieved from sudden nervousness and anxiousness. I must admit, I kind of anticipated.

“You guys” he ruffled the kids’ hair “Mom already kissed me on the cheek. That’s enough for me”. My cheeks felt hot. No. They’re burning.

In all fairness to Jiyong, he’s really handling things well. He’s not cold to me anymore. In fact, he’s very caring, which makes my heart melt because it makes me feel like I really have my other best friend back in my life, again.

“I baked corn muffins and apple pie for you guys”. We just brushed off the kissing thing, though I’m still blushing because of it.

As expected, the kids are excited for it. They climbed up their chairs right away and waited patiently for me to serve the pastries. Jiyong on the other hand, gave plates and even put paper towel on their chests like a bib, making me laugh.

“Why?” he looked at me, clueless.

I laughed again. “They can eat without that, you know”

The kids looked at their Father, giggling. It’s as if they know something I don’t. He smirked. “Did you know that the coordi Noonas have to look for smaller Big Bang merchandise shirts for the two because they need a change badly?” I looked at the kids with narrow eyes and they just smiled at me. “They got food spills all over their shirts even before the concert starts”. He sighed. I can feel the stress he felt during that time through his face. “TOP Hyung gave them choco drink without straws, and Youngbae gave them ice cream on a cone. I’m telling you, I was horrified when I walked out of the dressing room and saw them”

How funny is this? Jiyong is now experiencing, first hand, the struggle of having kids, under five. To comfort him, I leaned over and patted his shoulder. “Welcome to my world, Kwon Jiyong” I teased, making him sigh heavily. “You’re lucky they’re not in diapers anymore”

Oh, I’m telling you, he will lose his mind completely if both our kids are still in diapers. He experienced it with Ethan and he’s good at it, but when there’s two of them already, your mind will just blow up. All you can think about is poop and pee.

“Wait” I stopped cutting the pie that the kids are highly anticipating. They looked at me impatiently. “You’ve had too much sweets for the day, I think”. This brought them to react overly.

“Mom, it was just a bit of choco drink. Most of it are on my shirt” Emma reasoned out.

“Mom, I wasn’t even able to eat most of my ice cream because it’s dripping like sweat all over my hand and I can’t control it” Ethan followed.

“Nice one there, Little Man!” Jiyong exchanged high fives with our son, and I rolled my eyes at him.

See how sweets can reel kids? This is every parents’ nightmare. As much as we want to give them sweets to their heart’s desire, we can’t, because it’s bad for them. Not to mention, sugar rushed kids are too hard to handle. It takes hours for it to die down.

“Just give them small pieces” Jiyong is starting to show his being a spoiler.

“Mom, please…” Ethan and Jiyong are teaming up and Emma is just waiting for success. “The pie smells and looks so good”. He leaned over and smelled it. “Yum!” My silly son. He rarely shows this side of him. “Daddy wants to taste it. Right, Daddy?”

Jiyong glanced at me then at Ethan. “I’m quite shocked that Mom knows how to bake now. Before, she only know how to fry an egg, overly toasting it even, and cook instant noodles”. Here comes the embarrassing stories.

Actually, the kids are aware that I’m not a good cook. When they were much younger, it’s always a struggle to feed them, especially when they are sometimes picky with food. Thank God for online recipes that are so creative, I was able to pull through.

“All right!” I looked at each of them intently and sighed heavily. “I give up” I hand the pie cutter to Jiyong who is smiling victoriously at the kids. “Should I expect high of this?” he asked them while cutting it. Ethan and Emma nodded enthusiastically, “Mom makes the best crust. Uncle A loves it”

The moment Emma mentioned Aden, the four of us went silent. It’s still so hard to get over that he’s not with us anymore. The short time he was not in our heads is a breather, but our hearts continuously remembers him.

“It must be scary to be underground” Ethan broke the silence.

Jiyong served them a piece of pie each and sit beside me. We looked at each other as if bracing ourselves for another emotional moment. “He doesn’t feel anything anymore” I said. “It was only his body we saw being buried. His spirit is already in heaven”

I remember my parents telling me the exact same thing when my Harabeoji passed away. I was around Ethan’s age, and like him, I am clueless of death.

“But, he sees us from up there?” Ethan pointed up, his mouth full of pie. Jiyong nodded. After chewing a bite, “Think of him as your guardian angel. When you pray, talk to him, tell him to help you talk to God for your prayers to be granted”. Making this situation light is truly a challenge for the both of us. Our children can drown in sadness and be stuck grieving for a long time if we don’t help them get out of it. We are both aware that it’s not an easy task, but we’ll do everything to make it through.

After talking about Aden’s funeral (the kids are wondering why we all have to wear black and what a eulogy is), over muffins and pie, Jiyong and I let them play to their hearts’ content, hoping that after an hour or two, the sugar in their system has already run out.

Sitting on the couch together, “I’m impressed by your baking skills” he faced me, smiling. I smirked. “How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not only about Science and Math?” He laughed. “No. But seriously, it took me months before I get how baking works. It was easy but complicated” I confessed. “You’re really a certified Mother now”. I don’t know what he means by that, but it doesn’t seem offensive. “I mean, Mothers always get out of their comfort zone to learn new things for their family, especially their children”. He paused and just stared at me. His eyes are sparkling. I can see that he’s proud of me. “You were able to do the things I never really think you’ll do. Well, I know that you’re capable of doing almost everything, but the Areumie I know before is not adventurous at all. You stick to what you know, afraid to fail. Now, it seems like you’re fearless”

I agree with him. The old me fears a lot, preventing me to learn and move forward. “I guess I already realized that being stagnant is not good at all”. Jiyong smiled sweetly. The way he looks at me is making my innards turn. I don’t want to get it in my head, but it’s making me a little conscious of myself. “It must be hard to raise them alone while finding yourself at the same time”. This conversation is going to be memorable. I can feel it.

As if my brain made a fast flashback, I chuckled, remembering the tough times. “After giving birth to Emma, I feel a little down. Mainly because the thought of having the kids without you, guilt me. Then one day, I just snapped out of it. Telling myself that there’s no way I will let myself in depression for I know it’s going to be hard to go back to normal again”. Jiyong rubbed my arm sympathetically. “It is hard to be a single parent. I almost forgot myself because all I know is to take care of them. Not to mention, I don’t have a solid support group except for Aden. But you know what…” a smile appeared on my face. “The hard times are all worth it. I can say that the kids and I grew together. We learn from each other every day”

Bursting my heart open for him feels nice. This way, he will have a glimpse of the life I had away from him.

With a heavy sigh, “You’re doing a great job as a Mother, Areumie”. This statement is enough to make my heart leap. I am touched. “I know you’re going to be a great Mother even before”

The smile on my face widened. I cannot contain it. “And you” I pointed at him, “Kwon Jiyong, is a great Father”

As if doubting himself, he smirked. “I still have a long way to go”

“Well” I gripped his shoulder and squeezed it, as if massaging it, “You’re on the right path”, and it made him smile. “I, myself, have a lot to learn as a parent as well. Now that we’re together raising them, learning won’t be that hard”. He chuckled. “I feel like we were brought back to the time when we’re learning about pregnancy and babies”. I hissed. “It’s more difficult now. Just wait until we need to learn how to handle teenagers. That phase is going to be like a war”

Our talk was disturbed when the kids joined us. They climbed up our laps and leaned on us, sleepy and tired. We are lucky because their energy ran out earlier than expected.

“Knocked out” Jiyong checked both kids, their cheeks. “How did we make them? I mean, they are just so perfect”

His question got me blushing, for I thought he means it literally. Oh please! I don’t want to remember the steamy moments. It’s too much for me.

“They are made out of love” I answered, my voice softer.

“They sure are”. He looked at me intently, making my stomach turn. I suddenly feel butterflies.

I wonder, are we ever going to talk about our failed relationship? Will we have a moment where we’ll look back at it and asses what went wrong and what lacked?

With our kids sleeping soundly on our laps, we continued talking instead of putting them to bed. “If it’s okay to ask…”

“What?” he positioned Emma on his lap like a baby, brushing her hair away from her face. I smiled at the sight of it. “How are you and Lena?”

You might say I’m killing the mood, but I’m just so curious and I feel like this is the right time to talk about it.

Caught off guard, he was blank for a while. After taking a deep breath, “We bring out the absolute worst in each other”

Oh! That’s not what I’m expecting. I thought he will give me a we’re-getting along,-but-not-really-inclined-romantically answer.

“We fight like mad. Though we tried working things out, at the end of the day, we still don’t feel right. Our first year together is fine. We were intimate once in a while. But after that, it’s like we just woke up one day, totally disconnected. There are times when we spend more time apart than we spend together. Most of the time, she follows me around and I wriggle out every chance I get”. I can tell that he’s opening up completely, and I feel bad for him. “To people outside our circle, we are meant to be. When truth is, we’re not at all”

Hearing all these, a few more questions popped in my mind. Like, why is he still sticking with her?

With a heavy sigh, “I tried getting out of our marriage. I’ve filed for divorce last year, but she just shrugged it off”

Surprised to get an answer to my silent question, I looked at him, wide-eyed in amazement. He chuckled. “You were supposed to ask me why I’m not cutting the tie yet, right?”

Seriously freaked, I nodded. “Yes”, making him laugh.

I must say, Lena is a leech in human form. How can she keep Jiyong when in the first place, she’s not even sincere when she married him?

“Lena is really hard to leave, you know” he suddenly looked desperate. “Only her family and I know, but she’s suicidal”

Okay. This is something. I know from the beginning that she’s a tough cookie, a coo-coo brain that doesn’t have reason. But, I didn’t expect her to be so twisted.

“Her Mother told me about it when she tried overdosing one time after we fight. According to her, it’s been Lena’s problem for years already, and she’s in denial that she got a problem”

Still in disbelief, “That’s rough. She’s very fragile” I said.

Lena is sick in the head and it’s really a big thing. Just imagine how hard it is for Jiyong to handle her. If I were him, I will definitely go nuts because every move you make can trigger her.

“How do you think will she react once she know you already found us?” To be honest, now that I know of Lena’s condition, I don’t want to go back to Seoul yet.

From the way it looks, it seems like Jiyong hasn’t thought of it yet.

“Oh!”

Emma wriggled and whimpered. “We better put them in bed” I told him and he nodded in agreement.

With our talk interrupted, we just dropped the topic and I’m hoping that we’ll have another chance to tackle it.

“I need her pillow”. Jiyong reached for it and placed it beside our daughter.

I’m done putting Ethan in bed and I feel sleepy as well. “When are you going back to Seoul?” It’s a hard thought, but we know he can’t stay here long.

“Actually, with the next leg of our tour starting mid-next month, I decided to stay here for a while”

Really? So it means we’ll still have time to be with him. The kids are going to be so happy.

“But…” he made me sit on the bed, while he stand in front of me. “If you want to go back to Seoul any time, I’m game for it”

“About that…”

                                                                                                                                                      ****