I thought my life was going to go one way and then it went another. I may not have gone where I intended to go but I think I have ended where I needed to be.

Who knew being pregnant would be so hard? ME! Because I’m a Doctor and I’ve learned almost everything there is to know about it. Thing is, when it’s already you in the situation, you get a firsthand experience on things that you thought is bearable.

My mood swings are starting to get the best of me. I’m on my last trimester and this is where the crazy and the ugly comes out. Yesterday, I freaked out seeing stretch marks all over my stomach. This morning, I was greeted by swollen fingers and toes.

“Perfect!” I said upon seeing my weight on the scale. I should’ve not done it, but I can’t help it. “What did I do wrong?”

A week ago, I enrolled myself to a Yoga class for pregnant women. Well, not much of Korean women tries it, but according to my OBGYN, Doctor Lim, it’s an effective workout not only to prepare for birth but to lose weight as well. Drag is, I don’t think I’ve lost even a pound.

“Yah!” Jiyong yelled when I refused to finish my food.

Mr. G-dragon is unbelievably available these past few days. When the past week, he rarely goes home. He’s planning to do a series of concerts around Asia by the end of the year, so things are really crazy already.

“Seriously, what’s the matter with you? Don’t you like the food? Do you want me to take you to Omma so she can cook something for you?”

This man is at it again. Last night, he forced me to eat two bowls of rice because he thinks that I’m not getting the right nutrition I need. During breakfast, he cooked too many French toasts and made me eat three slices with sausage to match. I don’t know if he’s just not aware of my extreme weight gain or it’s what he wants to happen.

“Jiyongie, are you going to force feed me again?” I asked, pissed.

He smiled. The kind of smile that teases you. “Do you want me to?”

I rolled my eyes “No!”

“Aish! You only had two bites”

Annoyed, I scratched my head and crossed my arms on my chest. “I don’t want to eat anymore. One more spoonful of meat and rice, and I’ll gain weight more”

Ladies and Gentlemen, Jeong Areum is having a meltdown and just a head’s up, it’s going to be bad.

Even before when I was not pregnant yet, Jiyong is already in my ears bugging me to eat A LOT. I get the greatest scolding of my life whenever I ignore him and now, it doubled. His kitchen that is rarely used is now heavily used for Dami unnie and Kwon Omma or him are always cooking for me.

Yeah, I’m very much thankful. Actually, I can’t be thankful enough for they are taking care of me so well, but it’s just overwhelming to have food in your mouth almost every hour, except when you’re sleeping. Yong, my baby, is getting heavier by the day, making my stomach bigger.

“Omo!” Jiyong gasp “What did I do? Why are you crying?”

“I feel so ugly” I cried like a kid.

Hormones, I hate you. You’re flipping me upside down again, making me lose my marbles.

“Who said you’re ugly? I’ll kill him or her”. It’s obvious that Jiyong is just riding on with me. He really doesn’t know how big it is to me.

Feeling so down (if you only know how many times it hits me in a day), I stood up, pulled my loose shirt up so my stomach is showing and pointed at the visible stretch marks on it.

“Look at this!” I even moved closer to him for a full view. “My stomach looks like a wild beast madly scratched on it”

I don’t want to scare Jiyong with these preggy problems (he might not want to get his future wife pregnant), but it’s also good that he’s seeing all of these for him to know what to expect.

“What’s wrong with it?” he asked, looking at me innocently.

I swallowed a hiccup. “Everything”

He rolled his eyes and chuckled. “It looks fine with me. I mean, it’s part of pregnancy, right?”

Still down, I nod my head. “Yeah. But, it can be controlled. Mine, however, is OUT OF CONTROL”

It made him laugh. “Really?” He looked at my stomach closely and moved his face closer, the tip of his nose almost touching it.

“Your Omma is a drama queen. I’m sorry you have to live with it. Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from her” he whispered as if personally talking with the baby.

Hilarious!

I slapped his head lightly, enough for him to react as if I almost ripped his head off his neck (he’s overly exaggerated).

“Yaa!” he yelled while the area that I hit.

“I’m serious!” I shouted “I feel so ugly!”

And finally, he stopped playing around. While tracing the tip of his index finger on my stretch marks, “Just think of them as a war wound. A badge of honor for taking on one of the toughest battles a woman can ever take” then he looked up at me and smiled “These doesn’t lower your value, it increases it because you already gone through the toughest and that’s enough proof of a great woman”

Nice! Jiyong really knows how to pull me out of darkness. He’s so good in bringing my sanity back. I feel like the luckiest woman because I have found someone who speaks words that enlightens me.

He take a deep breath and exhaled heavily. “What else is making you feel ugly?” his tone is like my Appa when he’s talking me out of insecurities when I was a kid.

I sighed. “My hands and feet are swollen. Only two pairs of shoes fits me, and they aren’t even that good looking. My hair is too dry. I’m gaining so much weight that I feel like a cow. Well, I know all these are part of pregnancy, but it really hit me bad like every ‘preggers flaw’ is thrown at me, and I don’t know how to handle them”

Chuckling, Jiyong helped me back to my seat and sat on the chair beside me. Fully facing me, he stared at me. “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. It hurts to see that you don’t value yourself the way you should. You have grown into a person you should be proud of. I know I sound so cheesy, but I cannot see ugliness in you, rather I see beauty, inside and out”

There are people in this world that are meant to be a part of each other’s lives, and I believe Jiyong and I are good examples of it. We are two individuals that always seem to need someone to support them and we found it in each other.

Slowly being pulled out from the cave I’m in, I hugged him, tightly. This is my way of saying Thank you and to also make him feel appreciated.

“I don’t know who I would be without you, Jiyongie” I told him with utmost sincerity.

He’s such a prominent figure in my life. I always look up to him in times when I feel lost and afraid, because his braveness is beyond words. There are times when fear nearly ate me raw but because of him, I’ve overcome each of them with almost the same level of braveness he has.

“Every day with you has been a pleasure and a gift” I added, choking up.

He hugged me back tightly. “Aigoo. You’re being hormonal is attacking once again”. He may be playing around, making fun of me, but I know his heart is melting by everything he’s heard.

With so much love, he kissed the top of my head and said, “I will love the worst parts of you no matter how terrible you think they are”. These words made my innards flip and my heart to skip a beat. For someone who believes that she was never good enough, it feels so good to know that there is someone who loves and accepts you for who and what you are.

There is something stable about our relationship. Whatever that ‘something’ is, it is surely doing its wonder.

Pulling out of the hug, Jiyong, once again stared at me. His eyes, flashing different emotions every time he blinks. With a sigh, “I still don’t know how to look at you without love”

                                                ****