“I’m not stupid” I firmly said. I’m not the bravest but for some reason, I am one right now.

The last thing I want is to fight. Not in front of my kids. Not in front of Mark. Not here. Not now. Most especially, not with him. Thing is, he’s sudden flare up triggered me. I feel like we were brought back to his and Emma’s joint birthday party a year and a half ago where he didn’t step on his breaks and ran over me like I’m nothing but dirt on the street.

If his eyes are daggers, they would’ve killed me right off the bat with them. I can feel the intensity of his stare from 2 feet away and if I’m still the “Areum of Seoul” and not the “Areum of Jeju” I would’ve shrunk already. Good thing I know how to stand on my own two feet now.

“I’m going to die soon. I just know it. I’m…going…to…die…soon” Emma keeps on babbling, adding up the tension in the room. If only I know she will act this way, I would’ve told her that a tampon is some absorbent that you stick up your nose if it’s bleeding. That way, she will not make a big fuss out of it.

Completely fed up and with my patience on its lowest, I shut my eyes, inhaled as much air as I can get and shouted, “YOU ARE GOING TO BE JUST FINE EMMA! FOR GOODNESS SAKE!  I SHOULD’VE DIED A LONG TIME AGO IF HAVING A PERIOD IS DEADLY!”

And that my friends, is the very first time I shouted that much at my daughter. I, myself, am surprised of it too.

Totally shocked by my snapping, Emma cried real hard, so hard that she kind of had a hard time breathing for a while, and as much as I want to go to her and console her, I let myself feel all that I’m feeling because if there’s one thing I learned from being away from my reality, it is, I need to feel what I’m feeling so that I can think well of what to do with it. If before, I always shrug it off or push it aside, now, it’s learning to deal with it that works best for me.

“Hey” I felt Mark’s hand on my arm, lightly tugging me.

“Let go” I said without looking at him.

“No” he tugged me by the arm again, making me look at him. “You need to calm down” he said “You are lashing out on your daughter, a young kid who is too curious, too vulnerable, too emotional about mature matters. What do you expect from her? Act as if it’s not a big deal to know that one day she’ll be bleeding like crazy from a place that she knows is just an important but simple part of the body?”

Ok. I know I did wrong. I feel horrible seeing my daughter cry because of me. Truth is, she’s out of this. It’s the way her Father reacted that made me mad. It should be him I’m dealing with.

“Come outside with me” Mark is dragging me away, as Jiyong comforts both our kids. Ethan is just as shocked as his sister, making me feel like the worst Mother of all.

Unlike Jiyong who will talk me out of madness and anger, Mark just let me reflect on my wrong doings in silence. He sits me on the swing at the backyard with him standing in front of me, massaging my left hand (he believes that by massaging an angry person, it lessens his/her anger by about fifty percent).

“The nerve of that man” I said with clenched teeth “Ha!” I snickered “He’s not in the right position to talk stupidity”

“Well…” Mark scooted beside me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, “Honestly speaking…I don’t know how much you shared to the kids…but…it’s completely nuts to be truthfully honest with them about that matter”

Did I really go far with it?

“Seriously?” I looked at him in confusion, “When I was little, my Omma and Appa have always been honest with me about almost everything. They rarely sugarcoat or filter”

“Really? Why didn’t I know about this?” he asked enthusiastically.

I rolled my eyes, “Cos we haven’t talked about my parents as much” I replied, making him nod in agreement.

“Every question I asked, they answered truthfully. They explained the male and female reproduction system to me at age six when I accidentally saw a love scene while watching a movie with my older cousins. They sit me on the couch and let me ask questions about what I just saw” for some reason, Mark is laughing at my story while I’m all serious about it, “I asked them what’s going on? Why is the man on top of the woman? What are they really doing? Is it a normal thing to do?” I continued “I asked all these hard questions and they answered me like how I answered Emma” I sighed “I know that maybe they don’t have a choice but to tell me so much because they know for sure I’ll find out about it sooner than they think, given my expertise in research even at a young age” I said and it made Mark laugh hard.

“Ah yes. Because you’re THE whiz kid” he teased.

“YAH” he yelled when I pinched his arm.

I giggled. “We’re serious here” I said and he pursed his lips, trying to hold his laughs in. “I don’t know what’s up, but Jiyong suddenly became so sensitive, when before he’s this cool dude that cares less about almost everything. Also, he knows so well that when the time comes our children will ask about mature matters, I won’t filter. I don’t know what happened that made him forget it”

This might be because Jiyong and I haven’t been together for a long time, but I can feel strongly that he is a changed man. Whether it’s for the better or for the worse, I know he changed. As much as I don’t want to admit it, but it seems like I’m faced with a different person in a very familiar face.

“You’ll get through this Lorelei” Mark nudged me with an assuring smile.

I leaned on him, “Thank you for dragging me out here, Luke” I ride on and he pinched my cheek lightly.

“No problemo” he replied with a tight hug.

It took me half an hour to calm down and clear my mind. I don’t have any plans on how I’m going to apologize to the kids. No matter what, I’m going to ask for forgiveness. After all, I’m that Mother who admits her mistakes no matter how shameful and embarrassing it is.

Actually, I have this thought that maybe they already left. Good thing, they haven’t, as they were sitting on the couch, piled up like puppies with Jiyong at the bottom. Ethan is now laughing at something he’s watching on his Ipad, while Emma is zoning out, eyes bloodshot from all the crying.

“Guys” I approached them carefully. I don’t want to join in all of a sudden because I know my kids will be freaked out by it.

“Not now Areum” Jiyong is still being so hard.

This is a big problem. Mark just left. I don’t have reinforcement.

“I want to speak with you Ethan…” I looked at my son who is obviously scared of me “And Emma” I looked at my daughter as she buries her body closer to Jiyong. And to my “bestfriend”, “This is between me and the kids…you’re out of this” I told him calmly.

He hissed, “See if they come to you”

This man is really testing my patience. What an A-hole!

“Kids” in my head I’m praying to God to give me the longest patience he can possibly give to a human because I badly need it right now. “Mom needs to talk to you. I promise to not shout”.

The two looked at each other as if talking with their eyes. It’s that time when I realized that I, as disappointing as it is, don’t seem to know my children as much, just like their Father, I cannot read them well anymore. All this time, I think I’m just convincing myself that I still got every inch of them when truth is, I may only know a little portion of them now.

“Please…let me talk to you” I pleaded. It’s at these moments when all I want is to run to my room and cry my eyes out.

Fortunately, the kids softened and came with me to my room where they sit on the far end of the bed with me at the other end. They are trying hard not to look me in the eyes even when I catch Emma a few times staring at me.

“Kids” I moved towards them a bit, hoping that they won’t move away from me. Thankfully, they didn’t. “Things went out of hand a while ago” I started. “You know how Mom is…I’m trying to be as honest as possible with you guys” I looked at each of them and received a nod. “You asked questions…I answered the best way I know how”

“But Mom…it’s just so…harsh and yucky and scary” Emma’s tiny voice is just so cute.

I smiled, “But that’s the reality princess” I told her “Sometime soon you’ll experience having a period and there’s nothing to worry about” I said and she smiled a little “I swear! When it comes, Mom will be there for you all throughout. Not just me, but Halmeoni and Aunt Dami as well. We know this thing really well. And…you’re not going to die”

She frowned “Really? You promise?”

I giggled.  I raised my right hand and put my left hand on my chest “I promise”

“It’s still scary though” she countered.

“It is scary…FOR NOW…but when it’s already happening…it won’t be anymore. Just always remember that it’s normal”

As expected, it didn’t take long until the kids forgave me. We hugged it out and laughed at Ethan who cried because according to him “My family is complete again”, which made me think, are we…really? Can we still be considered as one family when their Father and I are not in good terms?

“Daddy said we should stay with him at the hotel” Emma answered when I asked if they want to sleep in my room or camp out in the backyard.

What is this? Is he banning me from being with my kids again?

“He wants to go back to Seoul tomorrow as well” Ethan followed.

This man. He’s impossible!

“But we don’t want to go back yet Mom” Emma said, hugging my arm tightly. “We want to stay here…with you and Uncle Mark. I’m yet to eat my breakfast combo” This made me smile.

“Don’t worry” I cupped her face “I will talk to your Daddy about this. Just wait here”. Without a drop of hesitation, I walked out of my room towards the living room where Jiyong is too occupied by his phone to notice me walking in.

“Leave the kids here” there’s no need to go round and round with him. I’ll go straight to the point.

He finally let go of his phone, placing it on the center table. “Nope! Negative. I’ll take them back home with me tomorrow morning”

“What is the matter with you Jiyong?!” I screamed. I know for sure our kids heard it.

He stared at me, coldly “I don’t want you to talk more to them”

I hissed “? Jiyong! I told them facts! You should be thanking me actually, because you don’t have to do it anymore. Tell me…how are you going to talk periods with Emma when you don’t experience it firsthand? Just so you know…no matter how much you research about it…you won’t be able to share so much of it because you really cannot relate to it…you may be thinking…well I have my Omma and Noona…well…” I straightened up confidently “Don’t you think it’s such a shame that you’re relying to them about these matters when your daughter has her Mother to confide with? Don’t you think that this banning me from our kids is going too far?”

Here we go. This is not going to be good. I can already see it.

“Omma and Noona is going to be more than willing to do the explaining…that I’m sure of” he said, “And about the banning…didn’t it turn out good for you?” he looked around, then at me “If I stick you with us a year and a half ago…do you think you’ll be able to live your life the way you really intended to? Do you think you can have the freedom you’ve been dreaming about for so long? I made that decision not for the kids to be honest with you”

He is talking as if he’s the hero and I have to praise him for it. So annoying!

“Really now? Didn’t you decided on it because you just want me out of your lives…because you really cannot feel my presence at all anymore…and that you’re fed up with all my bull?” I don’t know what I’m throwing at him, I’m just going with what my heart and mind agreed to spill out.

He faked a laugh, “You think so?” then he walked towards me “Areum…do you think I want you away from me when all I wanted during that time is you?” he is inching towards me and it’s making me uncomfortable “Do you think I’m happy with that stupid decision? Do you even know how I punished myself for it during the long months you’ve been missing? The problem with you is…” he paused. I don’t know why.

“What? What’s the problem with me, Jiyong? Tell me” I provoked him, closing the gap between us. This is the very first time in a long time that I’ve been this close to him.

Silence.

Seconds after, “The problem with you is you run away all the time. You’re like a bubble, here one moment and lost another” he inhaled and exhaled heavily. I felt his breath on my face. “Instead of dealing with the problem, you always choose to run far from it. I don’t know if you like the thrill of hiding for long…the feeling of someone looking for you...”

“You know what? Maybe the reason why things didn’t work out for you in the past is because you love depending on other people to fix you…Aden did it first and now Mark…then you force yourself to forget things to be able to start anew…but that’s not it Areumie…”

He called me Areumie…

“Sometimes…all you need is to face your problems…your demons…your heartaches…ALONE…you don’t run away from them for long because time won’t fix it for you…honestly…I still have issues with you about the first time you ran away from me with my kids in tow…but what? I swept it under the rug and shrugged it off because at that time I strongly believe that it doesn’t matter anymore…but I realized that it still matters…because there are words unspoken…anger that I extinguish in fear that you might run away from me again…sure…I hurt you so much that time and all you can do is get away from it to heal…but…the second time around…this” he sighed “It’s too much for me…”

“But you pushed me away, Jiyong” I defended.

He smirked “I banned you…but I didn’t tell you to disappear…I’m not foolish…I won’t let my kids be without you for long…heck! I’m not even going to let it last for a week…just a day or two of you being banned is enough…but what? You took things in your own hands…you ran away AGAIN…”

“I’m going to come clean…I didn’t even bother to look for you after a few days…it’s because I’m sick and tired of you running away…yes…I punished myself for a long time…but I did it through thinking of all the what ifs…what if you won’t come back…what if the kids look for you and badly want to see you…what if Emma doesn’t forgive me…what if Ethan blame me once he’s old enough to talk for himself of your disappearance…what if you go to an unfamiliar place and you’re not safe…what if…what if…”

Jiyong bowed his head down, “What if you come back after years of being away with a new family” he mumbled and I saw clear pain in his eyes. “Everyday I keep on thinking of these things…everyday I beat myself up with work just to forget them for a short while…everyday I pray that you’re safe…when Noona told me that you’re here in Jeju and that you’re doing better than expected…I was able to breathe well after a long time…I was the one who told them not to force you to come back to the city because I can feel through their stories that you are at the place where you’re intended and truly meant to be in…”

“Our kids wants you back home…but I told them that it’s better if you stay here because you found yourself here…I’m sure they didn’t understand but they agreed to it because they can see the good changes in you…I mean” he looked at me from head, down. “You are at your healthiest…your aura is so bright I cannot even remember the last time it has been like that…you’re glowing…you’re beautiful more than ever…your smile reaches your eyes again which I love seeing even just in pictures or videos the kids took of you…I sometimes envy you because finally…after YEARS of looking here and there for yourself…you found YOU here…you are at peace…and that’s enough for me to be happy as well”

“Jiyong…” I don’t know what to say to him. Once again, I’m speechless.

“I’ll leave tonight…the kids can stay with you…after all…that’s the original plan…” he is suddenly acting normal, as if nothing happened. “I’ll leave now” he walked out fast with me nailed to where I’m standing.

“I can’t take this” I said to myself. My emotions eventually catch up on me, making me cry like someone died.

                                                  ****