Uttered words are strong, strong enough to knock me down.

For months now, we go along without talking about our short romance. Like what he said, all we need is to put it behind us and focus on our friendship, but it seems like he wasn’t able to hold it in, letting his feelings spill all over the place.

Odd, but I don’t feel that awkward. Yes, the feeling of guilt from breaking his heart is there but it’s not much to affect me.

In the end, I agreed with the nursery and he’s over the moon. Maybe it’s not a bad idea at ll. Anyway, he can turn the nursery into something else again after some time or he can just let it be until he himself have a baby.

“Areumie, this is Yuna” he introduced me to a very beautiful girl with long straight hair. Her dress fits her like a glove.

To Yuna, “This is my best friend, Areum”

I don’t know, but I find Jiyong and Yuna cute together. You know that instant connection one feels seeing two individuals who doesn’t have a connection at all. Call me crazy, but they compliment each other physically.

And I let them do their thing. We are inside Jiyong’s old closet room where some of his stuff are still in.

“This room is big enough to put a single bed” Yuna said and smiled at me. “For you. In case you want to rest together with the baby”

“Good idea. I like that” Jiyong countered and wrapped his arm around my waist (an old habit. Hard to break).

“Choose the color you want” he told me while holding the palette board.

Ok. So, the palette board has almost all the colors made and mixed for the world. Thing is, in my eyes, some of the colors are the same (Yuna said they’re definitely different from one another *whispers* I don’t think so).

“Charcoal grey?” I looked at Jiyong and he gave me a lame look.

He sighed. “Too plain. Too dull”

I rolled my eyes. “Yellow?”

Another lame look. “Too bright. Mainstream”

How annoying it is to be asked to choose just to be contradicted?

“Aigoo” Yuna laughed like a prim and proper little girl. Hand elegantly covering .

This woman is a great catch. I don’t even know why I feel like matching her with Jiyong. Crazy thought, yes, but it’s not bad. I mean, I love him, but we’re already good where we are now. The only help I can give, I think, is to help him find another woman who is a thousand times better than me. Someone who will sweep him off his feet. A woman who will hold his heart with grace and importance.

“Hmm…” I walked to Yuna with my most friendly smile. “Any suggestions?”

She looked at Jiyong. I don’t know if it’s just me but there’s a special twinkle in her eyes. Then back to me. “Well, dark mixed with mellow colors are very popular in Hollywood. How about…” she reached her hand out to Jiyong, “The board” she whispered and I can’t help but smile while watching them interact.

Board in hand, she pointed out the palettes. “Ivory and black. It’s a color for both genders and it’s very chic”

I looked at JIyong who is visualizing it already. “What do you think?”

He sighed. “I’m good with it. How about you?”

“Let’s do it!” All of a sudden, I feel excited. This is a big move to preparing for the baby.

Ideas kept pouring, mostly from the two. I, on the other hand, stepped back a little to observe and see if there’s a possibility for them to ‘Hook up’ – used this because it’s where everything usually starts. Enjoying each other’s company is the way to go, then love comes next.

Bursting my bubble, Jiyong elbowed me. “You’re zoning out, big time! I’ve asked you a lot already and got nothing”. He stared at me. I know curiosity is building up. Whispering in my ear, “Tell me everything that’s in your head, later”

I nodded. “Sure!”

After what feels like a life time (exaggerated, but really feels like it), plans are on paper and will start to shape up in the coming months. However it’ll turn out, I’m sure it’s going to be beautiful.

“So…” Jiyong joined me on the couch after dinner with two wine glasses filled with apple juice (it’s an inside joke because I can’t drink wine, so he looked for a drink that is almost the same color).

Rolling my eyes before getting a glass from him. “What’s up?”

He smirked. “You acted so weird a while ago, you know that? Don’t tell me it’s a pregnant thing coz I’m freakin’ sure it’s not”

Shall I tell him about my thoughts of matching him with Yuna? How will he take it? It’s nothing serious anyway. He can agree with it or not.

After a little thinking, I decided to just let it out. After all, it’s just an idea. Bringing it to life is up to him.

“Don’t you think dating feels more like a race against the clock now?” I started, just like how I start our deepest conversations. “I mean, we’re already on our thirties. People our age are either in a stable relationship, engaged, or married, some even…” I sighed and touched my stomach, “Are having babies”

From the way his eyebrow raised, I know he’s trying to wrap his head around my random outburst.

He take a sip of apple juice, swallowed it while staring at me. “It’s not my turn to fall in-love yet. I just got out of a relationship that is so hard to level”

I felt my chest tightened.

“Jiyongie” I prepared myself for a talk of a lifetime. “Alright. I’m there. We…just….ended. But still, you can try to move around, look around again just like the old times. What do you know? It can be the cure to your aching heart”

Oh yes, I’m pushing this.

“Are you doing this because you still feel bad about breaking my heart?”

Wait. Wait. Wait.

This isn’t supposed to be about us. It’s about convincing him to be matched with Yuna.

“Jiyong…”

He take a deep breath and sighed heavily. “If you’re planning to play matchmaker to me and Yuna, don’t even think about it because she just got married only a month ago”

What? No!

“Really? I didn’t see a ring” I said, still hoping.

He rolled his eyes. “It’s because instead of rings, she and her husband had matching finger tattoos”

Now that’s cool! I wouldn’t think of that. This is one reason why I want to be a creative person sometimes.

“Back to my question” Jiyong is at it and it’s driving me nuts.

Fine. Since we’re already in this situation, I’ll make sense of it. We’re right back where we are, and the old us hides nothing.

“Yes” I answered straight. “I hate myself for breaking your heart. I know someday, I’ll forgive myself for it but it’s going to be easier if I see you happy with someone else”

He chuckled. “That’s insane Einstein. What made you think that I will forget what we had once a new one come along? Just to let you know, you can find love again without abandoning the memory of the love you lost”. His eyes are piercing right through me, flipping my innards. “Because of you, I’m grateful to fully understand what it feels like to be in-love. It also made me realize that I’ve done a lot of mistakes in my past relationships, that if only I know what I know now, I wouldn’t be breaking a number of hearts”

And he’s wearing his heart on his sleeves as of the moment.

“How about you? Any learnings?” he smiled beautifully, making me feel light.

Easy.

“I want a forever kind of love. You know, like the one we have but romantic, not just friendship”, then I feel hopeless all of a sudden. “Aside from you, I’m bad at picking men”

It made him giggle. “I don’t know, but it seems like I really have no luck in relationships. The men I choose, again, except from you, are either jerks or plain boogers”

He laughed hysterically. “Aigoo. Good thing I’m not one of them, though I can be a ‘booger’ at times”

“I hate to agree, but yeah, you are” I joked and we exchanged high fives.

In serious mode again. “And in my situation now, I doubt if there’s still a good chance for me in love. Little by little, I’m starting to believe that me, settling down with someone for the rest of my life is something so far away already. So the forever love I want, I guess, should just be swept under the rug”

And now we’re both wearing our hearts on our sleeves.

He moved closer to me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Don’t say that”

His voice alone is comforting, doubled by his warmth is amazing.

“Your heart is bigger than anything you could find in this world, and that’s no ” he looked at me and smiled. “I’m sure even with a child you’ll still find ‘the one’. As much as I want to be that person, I know you will not let me”

Woah! That’s a heavy blow!

“Jiyongie…”

“But it’s all cool to me, because having you as a best friend gives me the assurance that I’ll never ever have to lose you again. Being romantically together is a big risk we bravely took and failed, but it’s better to have loved than to had never even tried”

Well I guess there’s the closure every romance-ended, needed.

Feeling better, “Do you think I’ll be able to find someone, not soon, but in the future?”

Casually, he my hair and lay my head on his shoulder. “Of course. Look, you’re a good catch. Your being a genius alone is an asset. You have the power of seeing through one’s heart and read them like an open book”

I hit his thigh. “That only works for you!”

He laughed. “It might work for someone else too”

“Another thing, don’t be so negative and just let your heart be open” he faced me and looked straight into my eyes. “Remember this, the more you open your heart to loving, the happier you will be”

Playful, “Which of your songs have that lyrics?” I teased, and he pinched my nose.

“Cry now” he said seriously.

“Huh?”

Cupping my face with both his hands, “Your eyes are pooling in tears for a while now. C’mon, shed them then blame it on being hormonal” he teased, the way the old Jiyong does.

My vision is blurred almost the whole time we’re talking. I’m holding back tears because I don’t want this moment to be dramatic (even if it really is).

And there goes my tears, running down my cheeks. “Gosh! You’ve seen more of my tears than anyone I know. I swear, the next guy I’m going to be with, will have to prepare thousands of boxes of tissue”

Jiyong laughed and reached for the tissue dispenser on the side table. “For now, let me be the one handing it to you”. He didn’t just give it to me, for he wiped my tears away.

At the end of this, one thing’s for sure, we’ll never leave each other anymore. We are a perfect fit, maybe not in love but in many other things.

Months ago, I will never even think that our friendship will work again but I guess, when something felt so right, there’s no way you couldn’t find a way to make it work.

                                               ****