You see, but you choose to be blind. You hear, but you choose to be deaf. You feel, but you choose to be insensitive.

Pacing back and forth behind my office desk, I keep on reciting lines from Jiyong’s letter. I don’t know why, but it really bugged me to the point that I was convinced something beyond friendship is connecting us.

But, I shouldn’t think of it that way. For goodness sake! All these years, none of us has bent or even shaken no matter what people say about us. Maybe I’m just taking his answer to my stupid question very seriously, analyzing it so much when there’s really no need to.

“Hey!”

“Oh!” I bumped into my swivel chair “!” losing my balance.

“Aigoo” Doctor Nam helped me to my feet, as I pull myself out of my head.

Laughing at me hysterically, “What in the world are you doing? Aren’t you supposed to start with the medical reports?”

I sighed and carefully took my seat. “I am doing it” I told her, and she grabbed the clean sheets of paper on my table “What pen are you using? Invisible pen?”

Her joke is funny but I cannot bring myself to laugh. “Honestly, I’m not in the mood to do it”. Smiling, Doctor Nam sat on the chair in front of my desk, crossed her legs, and clasped her hands, placing it on top of her knee (her favorite sitting position).

“Spit it” she said smoothly, with a patient expression on her face. I’m so thankful for her, for I have another person to confide with aside from my best friend.

I sighed again, heavier this time. “I asked Jiyong a stupid question last night”. She raised her eyebrow in curiosity “Was it really stupid or you just think it is?”

Let me ask you guys, was it? *write the answer on the comment box below. Thanks!*

“I asked him that if we become lovers like most of our boy-girl best friends turned lovers buddies, what does he think will happen”. Lines from his letter run through my mind again.

Doctor Nam chuckled. “It isn’t stupid. It’s actually the question you should’ve asked each other a long time ago. What shocked me is that you’re the brave one who did” she sounded satisfied. Her smile widened. “What was his answer?”

To be more detailed, I pulled out the letter that is now folded into four (I don’t know how to put it back into a frog again), and gave it to her. She got it from me in full interest. While reading, I just stared at her, waiting for some reaction. I flinched when she sighed, and to my shock, she crumpled it to a ball and threw it at me.

“He’s just like you” she sighed in frustration “You two are so into each other, by that I mean IN-LOVE, but are so darn stupid to cross the imaginary line between love and friendship. Like seriously, what is love without heartache? What is it without fear? Yes, there will be changes, of course! The friendly, or shall I say ‘sibling’ kisses and hugs will be more intimate. There’ll be more touching and cuddling, and the way you treat and think of each other will highly be for romance already. Counting in your friendship amidst that is a challenge, that’s when it’ll be tested. That no matter what happens, at the end of the day, more than being lovers, you are best friends and your friendship is as solid as gold”

Why is it a big deal to me anyway, when I’m on the same boat with Jiyong about this? Never, in our long friendship have I wished to be in another level with him. Yes, I sometimes wonder what it’ll be like, but I never really wanted to try because like him, I’m afraid of its outcome.

“You see Areum, love needs bravery sometimes, especially when you know it’s going to be a good thing. For years, you’ve been hunting for your ‘one great love’, kissing frogs here and there, but none of them turned into a prince. What if…” she leaned forward and looked straight into my eyes “What if he’s a Prince Charming all along, not a frog who will turn human with your kiss?”

Argh! Doctor Nam’s words are wrecking me up, completely!

“You’ve read it, he’s not into the idea of a romantic relationship. Once and for all, we know our stand and we’ll never bend” I sighed heavily and threw my head back, eyes closed. I never felt so confused in my life.

OK. I’m going to be honest. After reading his letter, I cannot help but to feel sad. I even felt dumped. But it also put me in my right place. Now, there’s no need to waver whether I love him as a best friend or a man, for I already know that I cannot love him more than a best friend.

“You love the guy! You love him!” I can hear my heart shouting. “Shut up!” I shouted, covering my ears with my hands.

“Areum!” Doctor Nam snapped me back to my senses, then smirked “Are you that disturbed to hallucinate?” she asked, and I just shook my head.

Sympathetic, she walked to me and gave me a hug, which I gladly appreciate. “It’s always fun to get your mind ed, huh?” she said sarcastically, making me laugh. While patting my shoulder, “Don’t think about it so much. If you’re meant to be, you’re meant to be. The world can turn fast, but it will never change your destiny”

Maybe it’s this, we’re soulmates, but not the kind where we’ll end up together. I know some people who fits each other like a glove, but never taking things up a notch. Like us. Yeah. Like us!

My shift ended with my desk full of medical folders. My assistant will surely hate me, for she’ll be the one clearing it tomorrow. Fortunately, Doctor Nam is willing to shoulder half of my patients while I’m away, making me not worry at all.

*Hong Shik calling*

“Hey!” I even stopped my car on the curb just to speak to him. His end is loud. I’m guessing he’s already at work. “Hey! What’s up?” I pulled out my coolest tone. He chuckled “Do you want to watch my performance tonight? Same time, same place”

As much as I love to watch him, my whole body is so heavy to force myself to go. I’m not in the mood to do anything. As a matter of fact, I feel brokenhearted. You know that feeling? It’s like the world crushed in front of you. You feel so helpless, lonely and sad. This is making me nuts!

Apologetic, “I’m sorry, but I have to say pass”. His silence tells me his disappointment. “Do we have a problem, Areumie?” he asked in a low tone.

Should I tell him?

Decided, I take in a breath and exhaled heavily “No. We don’t. It’s just that, I’m worn out because I’ve done so much work a while ago”

It’s really easy to lie to other people. If I say this to Jiyong with a strange tone I used, he will not buy it. Hong Shik is not on this level yet, so he won’t know.

“Got it” he said with a sigh “Well, I’ll see you at home. I cooked dinner for you again, just heat it. It’s better warm”. It made me smile. “Thank you. I’m sure it’s one delicious meal again”

In all fairness to Hong Shik, he is very thoughtful. I appreciate him cooking dinner for me. Now I can say that there’s no reason for me to sleep hungry, Kwon Omma will be very happy about this.

Speaking of Kwon Omma, she called a minute after my conversation with Hong Shik. Once again, I stopped the car on a curb to pick up her call.

“Areum-ah!” her lively voice warmed my heart.  With a smile on my face. “Oh, Omma! Why did you call?” I tried to sound lively as well, but didn’t succeed that much.

“How are you doing? Jiyong went here at the pension in the wee hours of the night, from your apartment” she said, Kwon Appa’s voice talking to somebody is being heard in the background. “Aaahh…it seems like Jiyongie misses you and Appa, Omma” I told her, but instead of a giggle she sighed, making me curious.

“Aigoo. I can sense sadness the very moment I saw him. I asked him if he’s ok, he said he is. Appa did the same and got the same response. Is he going through a tough time, Areumie? Out of all people, I’m sure you know everything. It’s just so frustrating because it’s been so long since I’ve seen him like that”

It seems like I’m not the only one feeling down. If my guess is right, he’s being like that because of his answer to my question. This is seriously going too far. We really shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

Disturbed, “Don’t worry so much Omma, I’m sure, whatever is making him sad, he’ll get through it. I’ll talk to him” I told Omma and she sighed in relief, “Thank you, Areumie. Omma is really thankful for you, our daughter”

Another wake-up call. I am the fifth member of the Kwon family, by that I mean, the ‘adopted’, making Jiyong my brother. Him and I romantically inclined wouldn’t look good at all, it can be counted as . There’s really no way for us.

Best friend/Brother – this is what he is to me. I have to repeatedly remind myself so that I won’t go beyond the line.

“Forget it” I told myself in front of the wall mirror in the elevator to my apartment. “You shouldn’t be bugged by his answer because he just answered your question, honestly and realistically”. Convincing myself is always hard, especially when my heart is opposing. I straightened my back and looked straight at my reflection. “It’s have him forever or lose him for life”

Not totally in my element, I walked to my apartment to find the door unlocked. It can’t be Hong Shik, for he’s not going to be home till early morning. The thought of a burglar is far for my mind because of the tight security of this building. So that leaves me to, Jiyong. Oh my! Jiyong.

“Go in” I whispered to myself, and touched the door knob. I pulled my hand away and take in a breath. “No. Leave” I muttered and moved a step backward. “Go in” I said to myself again, and moved a step forward. This is making me lose my marbles. “No” I firmly said and turned my back at the door, facing my neighbor’s door.

C’mon Areum! Why are you being like this? You shouldn’t hide from him, because you cannot hide forever, for if you do, you’ll lose a huge part of your being and will turn your world upside down. This is no big deal. After all, you’re not in-love with him. You love him, AS A BEST FRIEND/BROTHER. You don’t love him as a man. You shouldn’t.

“Oh! You’re already here!” his voice froze me. “Yah! Einstein!” he gripped my shoulders, making me flinch.

“Don’t….” I moved forward, letting his hands slip off my shoulders and faced him slowly. “I am not….” my voice is shaky. Tears pool in my eyes. “I don’t…Lo….” I closed my eyes, tightly. “I….Lo….”

“What’s the matter with you?” he walked to me but when he’s about to get closer, I move back until my back hits my neighbor’s door. “Yah! What’s going on with you?” he cupped my cheek with his hand and it with his thumb.

This is driving me insane! I should just drop whatever I’m feeling and be normal again.

“Jiyong” I called. He looked into my eyes, expecting. “What?” he asked very seriously and closed the gap between us.

                                              *****