“This is impossible” I get out of bed and paced back and forth in front of the door.

It’s past midnight and I’m far from sleepy. Jiyong and I arrived a couple of hours ago, still awkward to each other. He just helped me settle in my room (used to be Dami unnie’s room when they’re still living together), said good night and zoomed off.

In all fairness to him, he is hospitable. He made sure that I was comfortable. The closet has some of my clothes already, the ones I brought here years ago just in case I want to stay for the night or cannot go home because of drinking too much. Only thing is, the pants and shorts doesn’t fit me anymore, so I don’t have a choice but to borrow sweatpants from Jiyong.

“Aish!” after fighting with myself, I went out of the room and sighed in relief to find the living room empty. Usually, during this hour, Jiyong would hang out here, watching TV or playing a game on his phone.

 Not that I’m hiding from him, I just haven’t think of how to act around him, so until I figure it out, it’s best to not bump into him as much as possible.

“Oh!” I almost dropped to the floor when I saw him in the kitchen.

Surprised, just like me, he stopped what he’s doing (making a sandwich), and smiled at me. To be honest, I can’t read him well, one minute he’s cold, next minute he’s so warm to the point that I feel like everything’s fine between us.

“Why are you still awake?” he asked and continued making a sandwich. I noticed that he’s refusing eye contact.

Uneast, nervous and seriously awkward, I swallowed hard and said, “I’ll go back to bed now”

He looked up at me. The moment our eyes met, my heart went banged my chest. “Are you hungry? Do you want a sandwich? Are you thirsty? I can get you water or milk or wine”

That cracked me up. “Jiyong, I’m pregnant. I cannot drink wine” I told him, and he adorably bowed his head down in embarrassment. “I’m a bit hungry actually” I followed.

It took him five minutes to finish our sandwiches (since when did he learn how to stack like clubhouse sandwich pro?). With a glass of wine for him and a glass of milk for me, we started eating without any of us saying a word.

We’re seating opposite each other. Neither of us talking. If we’re just like before, it won’t be this way for sure. We’ll be chatting non-stop.

“Hmm…” I’m really not good with silence. My tongue is always itching to say something. He looked at me. His hazel eyes glittering under the light.

“I want to say Thank you for still being there for me” my voice is so airy, it faded on thin air.

Serious, Jiyong sighed, “Do you think I can let you be on your own when I know you badly needed someone?”

I bowed my head down. Once again, I felt guilty for breaking his heart.

“It’s just so…amazing… that even when your heart is broken by me, you are still there”

A smile appeared on his face. “You know, I’m learning to live without you…”

OUCH!

“…but every day without you is agony. There is never an hour that I didn’t think of you. There are times when I hate you because of how much I love you. There are times when I wish you don’t mean so much to me. Every day I’m in a rollercoaster ride of emotions that makes me crazy sometimes. I try to console myself, but it seems like I’ve already forgotten what it means to be OK by myself because for so long, you’re always there to help me get by. People try to comfort me as much as they can, but no one does it better than you”

Tears started falling. Here we are again, crying in front of each other with our hearts on our hands for us to see. Finally, I heard his side (I’ve been wanting to hear it all this time).

“Getting over you is taking everything in me. Yes, I do understand why you have to break up with me. It’s just that, I cannot accept the fact that you’re not mine anymore” he reached out to hold my hand on the table and my knuckles with his thumb. “I miss loving you, Areumie. And, I miss being your best friend”

Squeezing his hand with a smile on my face, “Same here, Jiyongie”. His face lit up, eyes glistening beautifully.

The man in front of me is still broken, but little by little he’s gathering himself up, and I’m very much willing to help him pick up his pieces (as a best friend).

“Honestly…” I take a breath and exhaled heavily. “I don’t know how to bring things back how they used to be”

He chuckled. “Let’s start with forgetting what happened. Just think that maybe the timing will be on our side next time. Whether or not we’ll pick up from what we’ve left behind, our friendship is stronger, our bond is tighter than romance” and then he stood up from his seat, walked towards me and bend down to make eye contact. Our eyes locked on each other, “You never lost me and I didn’t lose you”

I nodded. “Exactly”

“So…” the tone of his voice became livelier. “It’s me and you again” he reached out his hand for a shake. “Best friends?”

I happily shook his hand. “Best friends” I told him.

And we laughed like the old times. Four months ago, I’m already positive that we won’t even last being in one room together, but I guess our love for each other is already part of our system, that no matter how bad things get, we’ll still look out for each other.

Over wine and milk, we chatted without the ‘awkwardness of exes’. He is my Jiyongie and I’m his Einstein once again. He teased me non-stop and I throw lame jokes at him. If only time can stop, I will definitely make it stop. This moment is just too precious.

“Is the baby already moving?” he asked, looking very interested.

I chuckled. “Not yet. Expect it on its fifth month”

He nodded a few times. “Is it hard to be pregnant?”

I sighed. “Physically, for me, it’s not. I see my body changing every day and it will intensify into ugliness one way or another, but I’m preparing for it. Mentally, I stress myself out sometimes thinking of what life will be with a baby. Emotionally, I feel like I’m always played because my mood swings are over the top to the point that I just sit around and wait for a meltdown or a wave of sadness or a bucket of happiness”

Jiyong laughed hard.

“Also, you know so well that I’m not ready for any of this” I added. He nodded and stared at my growing belly.

“I cannot even see myself as a Mother yet even when I know I’m already going to be one. I feel like I was given no choice, but this doesn’t mean I don’t want the baby. I swear! I love it to bits! It’s just hard, especially with the fact that I’ll be raising my child alone”

Every time I think of my baby, I cannot help but be sorry for it all because I cannot give it a whole family. Never will I doubt my capability of being a Mother. I can raise my child well. But, reality hits. There will always be an empty space in the child’s heart for its Father, and only God knows if their paths would cross in the future.

“Don’t worry about anything from now on” Jiyong said after a few minutes of silence. “You’ll never go through this alone. Push me away all you want, but I’m going to be a part of that kid’s life FOREVER!”

Hearing this is very heart warming. I know won’t he flake. I know he’ll stand by his word till the end.

“Thank you so much, Jiyongie” I smiled at him with new tears pooling in my eyes. “Don’t worry, I won’t push you away. NEVER!”

He pointed at me. “You said that. We already have a deal”

I reached my hand out, pinky finger up. “Deal”

He hooked his pinky finger to mine and we kissed our hands. “Sealed” he said, making me giggle.

People commit to each other for a variety of reasons. In our case, we are committed as a family and as best friends. Whatever will happen romantically will unravel in the future. After all, it’s not important anymore.

A couple of hours passed and we already decided to call it a day. I’m sure we’ll both be sleeping with wide and sweet smiles on our faces.

In front of my bedroom door, while my belly, “You have to tell me EVERYTHING about pregnancy. I have to know how to move around you, how to take care of you, what to feed you, what not to feed you, what to do whenever it’s not a good preggy day and how to deal with a hormonal woman” he said, and all I can do is laugh.

I patted his shoulder. “Sure” I said. “Headstart” I pointed at him “Never talk about weight around a pregnant woman”, then I whispered in his ear. “Because she can crush you to death if you do”

“Aigoo…”

                                                                                ****